New girl!

[lauchlan]

Hi all! I'm glad to have stumbled upon this site. I'm part of another "TTC Pregnancy & Parenting" site, but none of those wonderful ladies have gone through what I have the last 4 months. I was begining to feel like a psycho!!!

Long story short... I was hospitalized at 29 weeks with PE. At 33 weeks an U/S determined Grace was no longer growing and induced labor. I was lucky because in anticipation of preterm labor, they gave me steroids to mature her lungs. She had no real problems except her size when she was born (THANK GOD!) She stayed in the NICU for 15 days until she was able to maintain her body temp.

So the reason I seeked this site out... I'm still haunted with the whole experience. After I went home, I had a real hard time going back to the hospital to visit her. I just couldn't stand the sight of it! I felt so guilty because I knew I should be there. I did go every day, but could only spend a few hours. I just feel like a failure. I couldn't carry her to term, I had issues breastfeeding due to PCOS, Mag, and other hormone issues I have, I couldn't give her her first hug, bath, diaper, bottle, etc. I'm also so angry because I was robbed of the last 2 months of my pregnancy!!!

In addition, I want another child SO BAD but I have so many mixed feelings about it. I should be happy and thankful everything Grace is going well. What right do I have to be so selfish to risk my husband & Grace not having me around if things are worse next time?

I just need to know that the feelings I'm having are somewhat normal. Thanks for reading my long rant!!!

Proud co-sleeping, baby wearing mom to
Grace - 3/14/04
3 lb. 7 oz. 16 in.
Born at 33 weeks due to PE

[arj]

Boy are you at the right place....[:)] Welcome! Sorry to hear about your difficult pregnancy and rocky beginning. You will find that so many women here know exactly how you are feeling. And you will also see that many women have gone on to have subsequent healthy pregnancies and NO NICU! #2 could be a totally different experience for you, so take heart in that.

Allison (28)
DS-Evan, 7/19/2003. PE at 40 weeks

[meg]

{HUGS} you are definately in the right place and everytyhing you say and feel is totaly normal! I think every women here can relate to some, alot, or all of your story! Please stay around, this is a GREAT group of women!

Will 2-6-00 ( PE at 35 weeks)
Elizabeth 7-3-01 ( NO PE or PIH)
#3 EDD 10-25-04 Its a girl! So far so good!
Proud Aunt to Ethan born 27 weeks (March 8th) weighing 1lb 8 ounces! Our little fighter!
Now 5 pounds 5 ounces. He is home and off of oxygen!

[jaxsmom]

Hi

So sorry you had such a hard pregnancy... I know exactly what you mean about the NICU with be robbed of the first diaper, bath, bottle, etc.... Jaxon spent 2 weeks in NICU he was born at 34 wks and had no real huge probs just growing, feeding, jaundice and maintaining temp. It was very hard on us, having him in hospital and not being able to bring him home with us when I left hospital.... Pls stay around everyone here is soooo great and supportive.... I just recently joined but its helped me alot in the short time I have been here..... Look forward to hearing more from you!!

Cheers
Dana

Jaxon's Mommy
Born June 25, 2003 @ 34 weeks 4.6 lbs; PIH, elevated liver enzymes & IUGR

[deerhart]

Hi and welcome to the board!

Erin

Moderator - Parents of Preemies
Missouri State Coordinator
Mommy to Alex (4)and Mason (1 1/2)
Law Student - 1 year done, 2 to go

[sandy]

Hi, welcome. Yes, yes, yes...I remember feeling lots of what you mentioned one year ago. Yes, your feelings are very normal and very appropriate. Yes, you have found the right place for information and support, now!

I noticed the significant swelling around possibly week 23/24 (?). Diagnosed w/PE at week 28 I think. Was put on bedrest from that point until delivery. Few weeks at home, week in the hospital, week at home, and the rest (weeks) in the hospital again until I developed HELLP and had to have an emergency C. Breastfeeding never completely took off, so after trying and pumping for 4 1/2 months, we went to formula exclusively.

My baby girl was in the NICU for 2 weeks; had a collapsed lung 36 hours after she was born. I remember being so exhausted recovering and going to visit her with my DH at least 1x/day...most of the time, 2x's. The NICU nurses were awesome, and encouraged me to take care of myself, to rest, told me that I wasn't a bad mom if I didn't come every day (still did). Fortunately, a good friend of mine had her boys in the same NICU and they were 2 weeks ahead of me, so she gave me a "head's up" to ask to be included in the "firsts", so I told the NICU nurses and I was there and have video of them all.

Enough about me. It's all coming back now. I'll end by saying "welcome" once again, and after all that we went through I'm crazy enough to be now trying for #2.

Looking forward to seeing you around here.

~Sandy/DD born via emergency C at 35 wks/1 day June '03 due to Severe PE/class III HELLP

Risk factors: HBP/asthma/high cholesterol

currently trying to catch an egg...

[sarab]

I also just want to say "welcome" to our unfortunate club! Although none of us would have ever hoped for the circumstances that brought us together here, we are so glad to have found each other in the wake.

Like the others have said, so many of us understand the feelings of failure, hurt, loss, disapointment, etc. It has been over a year for me and I still have "bad" days on occasion. I think we all do.

I hope to "see" you around here often. I have found these boards to be a wonderful source of comfort, support, and solace. I hope you do to. Yikes, this is starting to sound like a Hallmark card...[xx(]

Hope you post often, we'd love to get to know you better!

Hugs,



Sara, 24
Local Coordinator, Utah
Moderator, "After Your Baby is Born"

DH, Scott, 26
Maggie Lylas, 6/9/03, 29 weeks, severe pre-e
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/m/maggielylas/

[pugmommy7]

I can totally relate.
I had a lot of the same guilt issues(esp breastfeeding and missing her 1sts)
My advice is, try not to let those sad past issues riun any of your future moments together.
No one has a time machine!
We will always have those feelings though. And you have found a great place to share and heal.

there is hope.
I just gave birth to my second daughter on May 29th, and she was 36 weeks. We were able to room, and go home together.
She was small, but healthy.
I did get sick again, but no where near as bad, or as early.
I was so closely monitored by my awesome Doc.'s that they caught it immediately.

There are certain steps to take before concieving #2.
Like talking it over w/ your Dr. and consulting a perinatologist.(imho)

my dd#1 was in the nicu/spec care nursery for 22 days. She was just a feeder and a grower too- thank GOD.
now she is a wonderful little 17 month old toddler.

Welcome, and We look fwd to getting to know you!
Love,
J




Jennifer, 30
DH, Chris, 33
Mama & Daddy to:
Isabella Sofia,1/02/03 born @ 33.5 weeks at 3 lbs,6oz., 16". GD,
Pre-E,& borderline HELLP.

Catalina Amelia,5/29/04 born @ 36.2 weeks,4 lbs.,12oz.,16"
GD,PIH,& Pre-e

[annes]

Some wise advice that a friend of mine gave me when I delivered at 33 wks, was that you have to think of the firsts in terms of you and not in terms of the baby, ie, First time baby got a hug from mommy, first time Daddy changed a poopy diaper...It has helped a lot, especially because our almost 1 year old is in daycare, and he has a lot of "firsts" with his caregivers there. I still say he ate a cheerio with mommy for the first time w/o almost choking [;)]etc... I had a lot of anger/guilt, that still rears it's head, but it does decrease over time. I just try to find a slightly different was of looking at things[:I]. Hope you get some comfort and encouragement from the ladies around here.

Anne
DH Richard
Parker 7/6/03(severe pe)33wks

[tammy]

Welcome, sorry about your experience. You have come to the right place. there is so much support and information here. Along witht he physical there is emotional issues, here everyone is supportive of both.

Best of luck to you

Tammy

Liam 10/26/03/34weeks/PE
Joshua 1/22/92 PE free