When I finally got to hold my noodle for the first time, I had two thoughts-this close together and in this order:
Oh my god, I love her so much I could break open...
and then ~
I can't believe she's going to hate me someday.
Although we've had a pretty easy road so far, she is getting more difficult as she gets older. It's so hard to watch them grow up and be independent and stubborn and manipulative and...mean. But just because you get fed up doesn't mean you are taking him for granted. Every parent gets to a point where they have had enough. Maybe he realizes, as he gets older, that he's your special boy, your "miracle", and for that he can get away with more. I'm sure he's just pushing you. My Kenzie has me completely figured out. She knows how far she can go, and she takes it there, because I have let her get away with a lot, because of the circumstances she was born under. I can be SCREAMING at her, and she looks at me and says "I love you mom., I need a hug..." It's hard to discipline a kid who is that clever, and who really was such a miracle, without feeling guilt.
Anyway, I'm sure you are harder on yourself than he is. That's our job, as mommies. We have guilt. Can't help it. I spanked Kenzie's butt once - and not because I lost control, but because I told her I would. I said "I'm counting to three, and then I'm spanking your butt..." I got to three and thought...crap. now what? so, i felt obligated. I had to or she would never take me seriously. Long story short, I cried all the way to day care that morning, told her teachers what I did, cried all the way to work, told my whole office what I did - It was AWFUL.
I really think our preemie's have got us figured out. They can bring on the guilt like it's their job. Don't be too hard on yourself. you couldn't possibly take him for granted - you are here every day, knowing how lucky you are to have him, and helping other people in similar situations. Chin up young person. (:
DD~ Kenzie Celeste, 30 weeks GA, severe PE.