I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Are you part of the NICU club? Do you have a child who is still struggling with the effects of being born too soon from preeclampsia? Share your concerns and stories here among parents who have been there.
maxs mom
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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby maxs mom » Sat Oct 02, 2004 09:41 pm

You have every right feeling the way you do, you had far from a perfect PG, so I am sure it still hurts. And it sounds like you are handling it well, by just grinning and bearing it (and of course venting here to women who can share your pain)

For me, I cried when I had to go to Babies R Us after Max was born and in the NICU. All I saw was PG woman everywhere and I felt so awful for my bad luck. But now 20 months later, I have accepted the fact that I am not one of the lucky ones to have a perfect PG, and I may never have one. Why? I don't know and may never know. But as long as I have my beautiful Max, I don't care. I couldn't have had a better kid even if he went full term, so I feel so lucky. And a part of me realizes I am just that much better a mom because I went through such a hard time when Max was born. I can't imagine any of my friends with FT babies feeling the gratitude I feel every day to have Max with me and DH and that he is happy and healthy.

The only thing that kind of annoys me is when PG woman complain that they are so ready to have the baby out of them, sometimes as early as 6 months. It doesn't upset me, but I always think to myself, "Hmmm, I know if you got your wish, you wouldn't be happy"

Kara (34)
DH, John (36)
Max, 1/20/03, 25 wks, 1lb. 3ozs. (IUGR), severe PE

#2 is on the way, EDD at 36.5 weeks is 3/24/04

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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby youtan » Fri Oct 01, 2004 12:21 am


Thank you so much for your perspective. It made me smile inside. [:)]
This should be repeated!!
quote:I think that even though you had an extremely challenging and scary experience, you gained so much more than if it would have been like "A Baby Story." Think of how much appreciation of your child, and the amazing strength and ability to support others you've gained.

For me, even tho' there is jealousy, I have to say that my children seem even that much more important to me. I missed out on a lot of initial bonding, but we are bonded none-the-less. My 5 yr old has begun to exhibit behaviors attuned to the fact that something is important and significant about him. Its comforting to him and to me; every parent wants to be able to create an environment of special love with their child. In some ways another kind of strong bond has been created for us, by way of our beginnings.


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son: 5 yrs, PE/HELLP 27 wks, 1lb 10oz
son: 2 yrs, PIH/low fluid 32 wks, 4lb 8 oz

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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby hannahsmom » Thu Sep 30, 2004 03:37 pm

Thanks ladies for all of your wonderful posts. They brought me to tears. Allison - you're right - my SIL is up all night every night with her new baby and has to go back to work soon. I have a pre-schooler who somewhat sleeps through the night and is a lot easier than a newborn, so I have to be thankful! Plus, I am just amazed that this 3 year old who, at her lowest point, weighed the same as a can of coke, is now a happy healthy little girl who blends in perfectly with the other kids in her class. The other day someone told me she was big for her age and I almost fainted. Thanks again for the support, girls. [:D]

Mommy to Miss Hannah Rose
26.5 weeker born 8/24/01
severe pre-e & IUGR
1 pound, 1 ounce
12 inches
Miracles do happen!

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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby arj » Thu Sep 30, 2004 11:29 am

I'm sorry, Suzanne. I imagine that must have been very difficult for you. But hey, how jealous are you now that mom is at home, 2 weeks postpartum and her world is ROCKED caring for a newborn who isn't sleeping more than 3 hours straight and cries all the time?!?! No, I'm just kidding...

Seriously, I have so much respect and admiration for you women who have been through difficult pregnancies, deliveries and the NICU. I was one of the lucky full-term PEers. My only trauma was my awful delivery, which at the time seemed devastating, but looking at so many of your stories, it pales in comparison. I think that even though you had an extremely challenging and scary experience, you gained so much more than if it would have been like "A Baby Story." Think of how much appreciation of your child, and the amazing strength and ability to support others you've gained. God forbid that Hannah goes through something like her mother did... Well, if she does, she will have the most wonderful supportive and informed person there next to her side to help her through it.

Allison (29)
DS-Evan, 7/19/2003. Mild PE at 40 weeks

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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby youtan » Thu Sep 30, 2004 11:04 am

Thats exactly how I feel. Its so hard not to get envious of the 'perfect' pregnancy. Right now among my collegues, there a 4 or 5 pregnant women. They are all due in the next 2 or 3 months. I just heard that one of the women just now went to her 1st, yes FIRST, OB appointment at the beginning of her 3rd trimester. Its her 3rd or 4th baby - just routine to them, I suppose. These moms-to-be are so lucky, they are able to work, exercise, feel great, and some of them take off, oh, 2 weeks for delivery, and are back on their feet like nothing happened.

I suppose I'm still somewhat grieving from the loss of the pregnancy that I had hoped. I was ready for a natural birth. I was going to be one of those mothers that would be strong and be able to handle any pain, tough! I was seeing a midwife, reading books about all kinds of natural birth positions, water birth, etc. But, I didn't even get to go to one birthing class. I was hosipitalized the day of the 1st class and had my baby 4 days later...

Will I ever get over being envious, no, probably not. But, I'm learning how to be happy for others' miracles, because no matter how a baby comes, all babies are miracles! [:D]

I think there is just still this ignorance in the general public about how a pregnancy should go. I was visiting a church and the preacher made a joke about this woman, who was pregnant. I don't remember what the reason was, but he said something like, well, she should just have the baby early because of such in such. I was appalled at the time that he could have been so careless. But, maybe I was being overly sensitive. But, then I went back several weeks later, and she HAD had the baby early and they were praying for the mother and baby.

And, many people think the only way to have a baby early is because of early onset labor or twins or drugs. I had a social worker come up to me in the NICU. I had lots of bruises on my arms from IVs and such. She thought I was a drug addict and constantly I was pushed literature on how to be a good parent, because obviously, having a preemie, I couldn't take care of my body! [:(!]

Anyway, can you feel the anger? Its still here, even after 5 yrs. Fading, but there.

Nathanial 5 yr PE/HELLP 27 wks, 1 lb 10 oz
Jonathan 2 yr PIH/low fluid 32 wks, 4 lb 8 oz

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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby tanya » Wed Sep 22, 2004 03:31 pm

I too totally know how you feel. I didn't really experience those feelings until my DS was born. My SIL(husband's only sister) and I were preggers at the same time. It all kind of started when I had my MC in July, she waited a whole 3 days after my D&C to announce her big news. I realize how exciting it is to find out you are preggers,especially for the first time, but I felt she could have at least waited for the urine to dry and the 2nd line to totally show up before she made the big announcement. After my DH and I decided to try again and were successful, our baby was to be due in May and my SIL was due in March. Well needless to say she had a completely stress free pregnancy and was 2 weeks overdue while my pregnancy was a lot more complicated and had my DS 9 weeks early. We ended up giving birth only 3 days apart, both to beautiful baby boys. While my DS made his home in the NICU for the next 28 days everyone from my DH's family was oooohhhhing and aaahhhing over my nephew. Some people in my DH's family were very good about comparing the 2 boys with their size and milestones. Needless to say my nephew was huge to begin with!! He started out in the world at a whopping 9 1/2 pounds while my little Grant was a mear 3 lbs on the nose. It drove me crazy at first and wanted nothing more than for my son to be "normal". After a while I just reminded people when they would compare the two that Grant was doing everything he should for being his gestational age. I would remind them that he was only supposed to be 2 months instead of 4 months, and after a while they more or less took the hint. Hopefully this pregnancy experience will be different in many positive ways. My SIL and I are both expecting again only I am pretty sure these next 2 babes will NOT be 3 days apart since she is expecting hers any day. It would be sooooo fun to take a baby home from the hospital right away. That is by biggest wish!!!

Take Care,
Leah born 2/4/99 at 34 weeks ...PIH
Miscarriage 10 weeks
Grant born 3/29/01 at 31 weeks... Severe PE
Miracle #3 EDD 01/27/05

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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby sarab » Fri Sep 17, 2004 07:58 am


First off, congrats on being an auntie!

I struggled with this for a long time. It is so hard not feel that jealousy when you have been "robbed" of what's supposed to be the happiest experience of your life.

To me, it completely depends on the person's attitude. I get pretty steamed when I hear someone complaining that they "didn't get to go natural" like they had planned, or ended up having to have a c-section. Yes, I know that can be such a disapointment, and I don't blame people for being a little sad about it, but when it becomes a huge black mark and they dwell on it instead of their child, that's when I get upset.

On the other hand, my best friend is 36 weeks right now, and honestly has had the "perfect" pregnancy. The thing is, she knows how things could be and doesn't take a second of it for granted. She truly is so humble and really knows how blessed she is. Because of that, I can honestly say that I'm genuinely happy for her, just as she was terrified for me when we had Maggie. So, for me, it totally depends on the person's attitude about it.

The thing that has made me the most upset, was when a woman at church came up and asked to know what had happened with Maggie and why I had delivered so early. I started to explain about preeclampsia and what had happened. She cut me off and said, "Well, you got lucky because you didn't have to go through labor!" She then starts going on and on about her poor daughter (41 weeks) who had to push for an hour and had to have an episiotomy...*gasp*! Can you believe it? [}:)] The saddest part was this woman was barely an aquaintance, and she was dead serious. I can think of a million things I would say if faced with that situation again, but at the time I was so stunned that I didn't say a word.

The thing I have really been trying to do to help when I start feeling angry or jealous is to remember that there are always others who have it worse off than me. I hope that you feel comfort knowing that no matter what anyone else says, there are always people here who *really* know what you're going through.


Sara, 24
Local Coordinator, Utah
Moderator, "After Your Baby is Born"

DH, Scott, 26
Maggie Lylas, 6/9/03, 29 weeks, severe pre-e
Surprise, surprise! #2 EDD March 10, 2005


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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby nicoleharrison » Fri Sep 17, 2004 06:14 am

Thank goodness for this forum! It's been 19 months since Noah's birth (26 weeker--severe PE) and I still get a little jealous when I see full term babies and big bellied women. It is frustrating because we followed the rules, but things went wrong. I went in for a check up on a Thursday and complained of puffy feet--by Monday he was born at just 1 pound, 11 ounces. 84 days in the hosptial proved to be the biggest test of my life.

But there was one thing that brought me peace and I think it's important to share it with all of you. Noah had this Neonatologist in the NICU that everyone called Dr. Doom. He always gave worst case scenario and never offered any hope. I was determined not to let him get me down until the one day when he said that Noah's lungs were some of the worst he had seen in some time and then hit me again with "he most likely has cerebal palsy". I was devestated. All I could say as I was sobbing was "why is this happening to us?" This man, who was generally a cold person looked at me and said, "I believe that special children are given to special parents. If he had been born to anyone else, he wouldn't have half the chance he does." That was one of the most profound moments of my life-- I knew I had a very important job ahead of me.

Didn't mean to get all philosophical on you all, but I wanted to share that because it helped me get through a very troubled time.

Noah has still not been officially diagnosed with CP, but they are waiting. He's delayed and gets OT, PT and speech. But they gave him a 50% chance of survival, so I am a thankful mom.

I agree with Alissa-- I am a better mother because of all of it. :)

Thank you all for sharing!

Mom to Noah (2/17/03)

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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby mom2tori » Thu Sep 09, 2004 08:30 pm

I am awful at getting myself all worked up, upset, jealous and angry when I come across some other peoples pregnancies. I am getting better though so I have to pat myself on the back for that one. I feel like I did everything right. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I read every pregnancy book, ate all the foods I hate but were healthy for the baby and did every little thing the doctor said and still I cannot have a "normal" pregnancy. I have a friend who never went to the doctor when she was pregnant, smoked and drank and still had a beautifully healthy baby and it still angers me to think about it. But, as I said I am getting better. I do feel extremely blessed to have my daughter and if what I went through made me a better mother than I wouldn't change a thing.
Alissa mommy to:
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02

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Re : I'm Trying NOT to be Jealous....

Postby samarasmom » Thu Sep 09, 2004 05:35 pm

YES. I did not have it as rough as some of you moms but i labored a long time and had to be induced with all 3 I was in labor for 78 hours with Elijah. I was dialted to 4 cm fro 2 wks and labored for 56 hours with Isaiah and was dialted to 6 cm for 1 wk and labored for over 20 hours. I was told they would be a breeze after the forst. Yeah right. I felt that i lost control of the situation b/c for some reason my body stops contracting at a certain point so they had to induce. I felt let down and hate to hear when other moms have it easy and labor 4 hours or whatever. I was so exshausted and in so much pain since an epidural dont work for me b/c of my anatomy I was told. Good thing I didnt need a csection since I would have to be put to sleep.
I think its a normal feeling when your pregnancy and child birth is stolen from you and others get to enjoy.
But remember all children and experiences are different for a reason.

Sandra 23
Michael Abron ( fiance)
Elijah Kristopher Michael Abron ( 43 wks no complications) 5/6/99
Isaiah Liam Abron ( 37 wks PE and Preterm labor) 3/25/02
Samara Juliyana Abron ( 35 wks PIH and poss PE ) 7/21/04

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