Strong willed children-any advice?

[caitlynsmama]

Caitlyn was "diagnosed" as being strong willed by the nurses of the NICU after she was born. One nurse kept telling me I would have my hands full. She told me that she had a strong willed daughter too and had to put her in the shower fully clothed one time during a fit to calm her down. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to break her strong spirit in anyway but sometimes when she gets so upset and mad, she is so hard to control. I usually try and hold her talk softly to her and tell her everything is fine but the older she gets, the stronger she gets and the more fierce her temper is. Of course, her father has a huge temper sometimes too and they have Irish heritage. This behavior though has come into her feeding times, and my playing with her times and it is hard to handle sometimes. I have tried the "time out" stuff too with bringing her away from whatever is happening and giving her some breathing room. Sometimes I feel she is just getting over stimulated and cannot handle it. Is this a preemie thing or do full term babies do this too? Any suggestions from the other Mommies out there?

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[denise]

We are dealing with the same thing, but sounds like on a much lower scale than you are. I know a lady I used to work with got a book about "Raising the Spirited Child" for her son a couple years ago. I'd search Amazon or BN and see what they have to offer. It sounds like you are doing the best thing you can by not trying to break her spirit and trying to get her to calm down when she has a fit. Best of luck to you! Keep us posted!

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Denise (28) Co-coordinator for WI
Jason (32)
Ariana (18 months)-born 5/3/03 at 35 weeks due to HELLP
Currently TTC #2
http://hometown.aol.com/scrapperlang/Home.htm

[hannahsmom]

Hi, Shannon. The NICU nurses told me the same thing. They said Hannah (26 weeker) was a fiesty one and I would be in trouble down the road. In the NICU she was always pulling out her tubes and she tried to escape from the incubator more than once by wiggling her way into the port hole. Stong-willed is an understatement for my child. We have a battle of the wills daily. (She's now 3.) Time-outs don't work, and she laughs when she's spanked. She also used to refuse to sleep in her own bed. We started a sticker chart for potty training, but continued it for going to bed on time in HER bed and for her behavior. When her chart is full, we are going to take her to Chuck E. Cheese. It should be full by the end of the day and we will go tomorrow. But she just threw a major tantrum, so she has to be good the rest of the day to get the last couple of stickers. It's a daily challenge to get her dressed, etc. Taking her public places is also tough. BUT, I would not trade my Hannah Banana for the world. Just think, if our girls weren't such little fighters, they probably would not be here today.
Good luck, and just know that you are not alone!!! [:D][:D]

Suzanne
Mommy to Miss Hannah Rose
26.5 weeker born 8/24/01
severe pre-e & IUGR
1 pound, 1 ounce
12 inches
Miracles do happen!

[arj]

Ahhhh, welcome to toddlerhood! Let me know if you figure out anything creative. My son is getting feistier by the day. Lately his new thing is throwing a tantrum, followed by ramming his finger in his nose and looking at me to see what I'm going to do next. I pull it out, he shoves it back in, and so on... You've got to be kidding me... A battle of the wills between a 16-month old and a nearly 30 year-old woman.

It looks like your daughter and my son are at similar ages, and I think these ages are really tough. They're too young to really understand consequences, so the time-out thing seems like it wouldn't work (at least for me). I personally have been putting my son where he won't hurt himself (open space or crib) and then letting him throw a fit and simply ignoring him. Or magically, a Baby Einstein DVD does the trick when I've exhausted everything... Holding him doesn't work as he starts raring back and then resumes the finger up the nose trick.

Does your daughter do this when she's tired, hungry or "understimulated?" I notice that my son's temper flares at these times, esp. when he's not getting enough stimulation and/or not getting my undivided attention.

It's really hard. Just do your best and keep telling yourself, it's a phase.... Granted, it may be a 2-4 year phase..... :(

Allison (29)
DS-Evan, 7/19/2003. Mild PE at 40 weeks

[mom2tori]

Sounds like your hands are full and your hair is being pulled out! lol. My daughter will be 3 in January and when she is good she is an angel and when she is naughty, watch out. When she isn't playing nice or being sassy she gets things taken away which makes her respond with 'take it away, mom' like she doesn't care if the toys are there or not. We have started making her sit in her room on the chair when she is being sassy or not listening but she sits there and yells 'I am ready to come out.' Some days our punishment system works and some days it doesn't, I think it depends largely on her. She is a tough and rough girl who also laughs when you spank her so I don't spank her because it doesn't work for her. Best of luck to you on finding a system that will work even part of the time. Kids are a lot smarter than people give them credit for and they figure out fast how to work around your system. Keep us updated on how things are going for you and your daughter.

Alissa mommy to:
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02

[caitlynsmama]

Thank you for your advice. It is nice to know that I am not the only one out there with a "strong willed" child. I guess I better rephrase the "time out" thing as far as what I do with Caitlyn. It is more or less taking her outside for a breather if we are in a restaurant and she is determined to throw a fit. I have popped her playfully on the behind since she was a tiny infant so the spanking does not work for her but boy does she stop and listen when her normally laid back semi quiet mom raises her voice. She was also one of those babies in the NICU who CONSTANTLY pulled the feeding tube out, no matter if it was in her stomach or her nose. Eventually on down the road the nurse said that she was not going to put it back and that she was more than ready to bottle feed and go home so we worked even harder and she was able to come home. She is also one of those babies who after she was born she was put in an isolette next to a baby on a ventilator and was always determined to get away from there. I made up this story one time and sent it to a friend of mine where Caitlyn became the "BRAINS" of the NICU and planned the escape of all the preemies one night because they all wanted to go home and see their families. She was the baby version of the "Godfather". My friend got a big kick out of it. Things like that kept me from wanting to cry in the NICU. But I thank god in the 15 months (today is the 15 month mark) we have not had any major problems, or illnesses. No ear infections, no real colds. Guess a little strong will goes a long way:o)

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[emily kates mom]

I am so glad to know that someone else is going through the same thing we are. Emily Kate just turned 14 months and has been experimenting with "the battle of the wills" herself. I was considering writing a post about this very topic, so I am glad someone else did! They will grow out of this phase eventually...[:D]
She was also one that pulled out her tube, and rolled out of her "cocoon". I agree with hannahsmom - if they weren't such fighters they might not be here now! I love my little fiesty gal!



Mommy to Emily Kate
3lbs. 7 oz.
Born 9/23/03
**2 months early due to preeclampsia.

[season]

I remember thoxe days. My DS is almost 3 and the battle of the wills is a bit different now. Toddlerhood really caused me to search a lto abdout developemtn etc. The young toddler si at astage of development that is frusdtraitng for them, so then they pass it on to you. They want to be able to do stuff, but moslty they can't yet. I found that giving words where my son could not was sooo helpful. Adress that he was sad, frustrated etc. I learned to let him knwo that being uposet was OK, btu there were ways to show it tat were OK adn others weren't. I found my getting upset only added to the problem.

I especially found it was not about being good/bad or punishemnt. I ahd to do waht I coudl to structure things so that he could be successful, and end things that didn;t wokr. A few examples:
I sat down one day to feed him applesauce ,wchich he lovede. Well he refused to eat it, pretty mcuh thre a fit. I soon realized that HE did not want ME to feed him, yet he was nopt yet able to get spoon food into his mouth by himslef. So I backed off and became mroe creative witht he finger foods. Ocassionally bringing out stuff for the spoon, sot aht he could practice.

WIth food throwing we would tell him if he threw anything agian in that meal that he was all done. Once he threw the enxt thing we CALMLY wiped him up, and put him down. He did nto stop throwing food for a long time, but we were consisten woith this and he did learn. In the eman time we had less mess, because he didn't jsut sit and throw all his fod on the floor.

If I was out and he was havinga lot of trouble, we quit what we were doing and went home, I usually gave him a verbal warning. ie, "If you can't stay woith mommy we'll have to leave." Soemtime we'd have to leave. This was quite disrupotive for me and my agenda, but better than the battle we'd have.

One big key, and it's HARD, stay calm. Use a calm tone. Get in close and talk firnly and calmly. Sya take a deep breatha nd then do ti, repeat it a few times. Show them how to calm down. SHow them to hit the pillow if they want/need to hit. Also, think a bout how you phrase things, they understand WAY more than you think they do. When ds threw the blocks - and he knew not to throw them, I said it looks like you are having trouble handling the blocks today, maybe they will have to go away. It's your choice, if you continue to throw, we'll take a break form the blocks. (Usually very soon the blocks, or whatever had to go away.) But this was not a punishment, it helped him to learn about controlling himself. The focus wasn't on losing the toy for some epriod of time, but on what he coudl handle. At this age too, they are so momen to moment. Toys were returned the enxt day, becasue we were so beyond that by then, yet if the beahvior repeated then the scenario woudl repeat. IF I felt he really coudl not hanlde soemthing I just did not bring it back, but also I did nto bring it up. Toddlers don;t understand nagging.

Also, punishment esp physical can be a very confusing to a child at that stage. Both time pouts and spanking are hard for them to really connect to their actions. At this age they need to see the connection - thus seeing the blocks go away. At this age too, tehy haev BIG emotions that they don't understnad. They need help navigating these emotions rather than feeling wrong for haviong them. Some kids do need a time out to calm down. Some kids need a quiet moment with mom. Play a song on a CD and dance, read a book whatever... OVerall the more tools you can giove them to deal with their emotion the better they will be able to respond to you, even in the strong willed moments.

Something else I learned, a tired kid has trouble behaving and coping. Npas and a good night sleep make a huge difference. Somtime the meltdowns come when a nap is needed. On the flip side soemtime ds jsut needed to run around. Thsi especailly happenned on the weekends. Soemitme he'd jsut be increasingly ahrd to deal with, until I said to DH let's take him to the aprk. A couple of hours later we'd be back hoem a lot more relaxed and happy. DS had run off a ton of enregy and because we could focus on him, and not on our to do list, we enjoyed him too.

When ds hti thsi toddler stage I read Positive Discipline, The First Three Years. It explained so much about my child's and gave me so many tools to sue in dealing with him.

That was a lot of info, but I so get where you are. I will say that you will get through it and onto other wonderful stages with your dear children.

SueAnn
dh Kwame
ds Ezekiel 1/2/02 (34wks due to pre-e)
dd Naomi 6/25/04 (38 1/2 wks PIH)

[caitlynsmama]

Thank you again for your support. I knew that once she hit two years old, I would have trouble but do find it hard some days to not lose control of my temper. When I feel that way, I walk away from her. It amazes me every day how she changes and becomes more the little person she is. She was so tired tonight when I brought her home from her grandmas who watched her while I worked today that she was instantly asleep. Well, i needed to wake her up and feed her some supper so she would not wake me up in the middle of the night. That did not go very well but once we were done, I put her on the floor with an empty box and she had the best time looking into the box, pushing it around the floor and trying to put things in the box. Sometimes I think toddlers just need that little bit of breathing room like us adults do.

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[peanutsmom]

I am experiancing problems with my kiddo and sometimes feel at the end of my rope. I checked out a book from the library called "Parenting the Spirited Child". I just started it, but I can already see that my DD is in this category. It talks a lot about personality types and she and I are opposites. It has helped me realize that she is not doing all these things to make me mad. It is just how she interacts with the world. There are lots of suggestions on how to cope with her during our stressful times. I hope to finish it soon and really try to follow through on what the book says. I am sure we will still have our struggles, but it should help me to understand her better.

Dawn
Carolyn born at 36 weeks- PE with severe HELLP
#2 due 3/05