Strong willed children-any advice?

[youtan]

Well, Nathanial can join the crowd of stubborn kids - tho he probably gets most of his behavior from his parents!

When he was a toddler we had so much trouble getting him to calm down once he started a tantrum. He would kick and scream for more than an hour sometimes. We tried so hard to be consistent and follow all the 'politically correct' parenting skills. We threw the books away LONG ago! Trying to hold him and be calm - it was practically impossible and he acted like we were killing him. Giving him time-out - no way would he sit in a chair, he'd come right out of it or out of the room we put him in. He'd beat down the door if we closed it. We tried everything to get him to just calm down. Anything we would do would just make it worse. We just had to wait until it passed and tell him repeatedly we loved him and that he was just fine. We had him count or take deep breaths. We were really scared!

It took a long time - but he did outgrow it. Now that he is five he has started whining! Again, its still hard to get him to just stop whining.

Yes, we feel its overstimulation. or the lack of it. Nathanial has been so used to being overstimulated all his life - monitors - movement around him all the time. He thrives on activity. When there is none - he creates it! Possibly he learned very early on that we responded to his screams - rather than ignoring it.

Jonathan was a quiet baby - and not one to throw tantrums. Maybe we don't give him the opportunity - as we act like we ignore them completely.

Tanya

[deerhart]

I get all my advice of my mom.. she had one heck of a stong willed child (and she's not suprised that I have 2 of my own)

At lot of the techniques we use is to remove the parent giving order to child structure. While its not a total democracy, both our kids do get some choices in what they do. We also work alot with consequences as punishment as time outs rarely if ever work. For choices, they get to chose the clothes they want to wear, the food the want to eat etc.. Though I usually try to limit those choices. Sometimes when Alex still refuses within his given choices and wants something else (like wearing pajamas to school) he gets to as this helps him learn that the choices he makes have consequences and sometimes those aren't very fun or nice. Several times he refused to put on a jacket, took one step outside, turned around came back in and put his jacket on so I know he gets it.
The other thing we do is ignore tantrums. I would literally walk out of the room when either child would throw himself on the ground and refused to give them the attention they wanted. This works really well with Mason, but Alex hated it and would still tantrum for long periods of time when he was 2-3 years old (4-6 hours easy so times). So in addition to ignoring him, we had to help him learn some calming techniques (blowing clouds out of his mouth, washing his face with cold wet wash cloth) whihc helped drop the tantrum time.
As for time outs, we call them breaks and they aren't for punishment but rather for the child to regain their composure. They are not for set times, but rather however long he needs to come back and be a nice person again. Mommy and daddy also get breaks and sometimes Mommy and Daddy get child breaks (when we basically confine the problem child to their room with the use of gates, no punishment they are free to play etc.. just mommy and daddy need some time away from the child(ren)).

Its very hard not to lose your temper with kids like these, but one thing that helps me is they aren't doing this to spite you or to be mean or to make you mad, but rather its a form of learning, building confidence, and expressing themselves. Also, the benefits later on in life do exist for people with these types of personalities.

As for who this occurs in, well I was a full term baby with 0 complications and I am easily described as strong willed, both my boys fit the description, and I have met other people who have had perfectly normal pregnancies who's kids fall in here too. It may have something to do with overstimulation, but its also a personality trait, some people simply by personality alone are more likely to buck the system and try to do everything they can get their hands on.

[caitlynsmama]

Caitlyn went through her fifteen month NICU Developmental clinic today at the hospital. She scored dead on for her adjusted age in developmental skills and at a 12 months level for her gross motor skills, etc. but both of the developmental specialist said again today that they can see she is already starting her "terrible twos" at 15 months old (13 adjusted) with the temper tantrums. They both said again today she is very strong willed, VERY ACTIVE and has great social skills. AND, that I have my hands full. They mentioned using the distraction technique I have tried to use with Caitlyn from time to time when she is having a tantrum and it usually works. One other mom on here mentioned the Baby Einstein videos. She loves the discovering water one and has since she was four months old. I usually pop her in her play pen, stick that video in and a couple of books for her in the play pen to look at and play with and I can get her distracted enough to calm down. It also gives me a few minutes of "mommy time" to get away from the situation and do something like the dishes, etc. I have to say, every day is a new adventure in this road of parenthood but I would not trade it or my little Irish feisty one for the world. Thanks again for all of your support.

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[caitlynsmama]

I have found an article that might interest other "strong willed" childrens parents. Hopefully you all might benefit from it as I did. It is from the author of the book Strong willed child.
http://www.focusonyourchild.com/develop/art1/A0001396.html


Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[cmartin04]

My daughter Malena is so strong willed. She'll be 3 in February and wants to do everything herself (even if she physically can't). My biggest aggravation is when I ask her to "Come here" and she's says "I'm coming" and then just stands there! Ahhhh! The threat of spanking works sometimes. She definitely does not like to be spanked, so we don't have to do it that often. There's a book called "Positive Personality Profiles" by Dr. Robert Rohm. It basically talks about how to interact with people (children included) who have different personality types. I'm reading it right now and there are some helpful hints.



Lisa
Craig (DH)
Malena 30 wks 2/2/02 2 lbs. 15 oz. (Severe PE & HELLP)