Working mommy with a preemie, issues

[caitlynsmama]

The hardest thing in the world for me to do the last year was go back to work. I know I had to because my dh and I could not last with only one income but after Caitlyn's early birth and the shock of being a mom finally and a preemie mom to boot, I am feeling like I am in a whirlwind and do not know the way out some days. Caitlyn is growing well as far as I know, seems to have the right amount of teeth of a fifteen month old (13 adjusted)and has some major temper issues but she is part Irish after all and her daddys family is know for their tempers:o) I have posted the whole issue of wanting to try and conceive another one and the walls I hit with my mom, my dh and my friends and family telling me I am crazy to want to try again but the feelings are there, more strongly now than ever but can I do it again with the possibilty of going back to work and missing out on the special moments that I have missed with Caitlyn? I have a good friend who has four children, once she had the last one, she decided to stay home and be with him. She keeps Caitlyn two days a week now. Sorry to babble, just really lonely tonight and having conflicted emotions about being a working mom, trying to convince my dh I can do another pregnancy, trying to deal with the work stress and being understandable when Caitlyn has a bad day... Anyway, any advice? Anyone out there in the same boat? Email me off list if you don't want to respond to my post.

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[denise]

I think most of us have days like this, so you are not alone. We have all been through more than some parents and it takes us through the emotional wringer. We may have more worries than parents with full-term or healthy babies. That is great you have a good friend that is able to watch Caitlyn. That has to be reassuring that it is someone you know well. Are there any stress relievers that you do or can try during the day? Exercise, taking a quick mommy-timeout, etc?? And as for having another baby, that's a difficult decision most of us face. I can't imagine what our loved ones went through and I think it's important for both mom and dad to understand where each is coming from with their desires, wants, scare issues, etc.

Sending you big {{{HUGS}}}!

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Denise (28) Co-coordinator for WI
Jason (32)
Ariana (18 months)-born 5/3/03 at 35 weeks due to HELLP
Currently TTC #2
http://hometown.aol.com/scrapperlang/Home.htm

[youtan]

This is the hardest thing in the world. To work or not to work. Obviously many of us (me included) choose to work for various reasons - from finacial to simple sanity!

We put Nathanial in a child development center (well, child care) when he was 18 month old. It was a difficult decision, but we needed to finish up grad school. Actually, we are very glad we did this - because the interaction with other kids is so important for development. His development soared. But we both cried almost every morning the whole way to 'school'.

We decided to try again and have another baby and I went back to work when he was only 3 months old. My husband was a stay-at-home dad for a year and then we were fortunate to have my mother-in-law take care of both boys when my husband went back to work. Now Nathanial is in Kindergarten and Jonathan is in child care. But, I was so jealous of everyone else taking care of my boys while I was stuck in this grown-up world - even tho' we were so lucky to have child care from family for Jonathans first 2 years.

I have conflicting emotions sometimes - as tho' I feel obligated to stay at home with my preemies and be the one to take care of them. But, I want the kids to grow up not thinking they are china dolls - frail and breakable - as sometimes I may see them. So, I've launched them out into the world with others - and hope that not only will their immune system be stronger, but their character as well.

Tanya, Mom to Nathanial (27 wks PE/HELLP) and Jonathan (34 wks PE/low fluid)

[hannahsmom]

I had to go back to work while Hannah was still in the NICU because FMLA had run out and if I lost my job we would have lost our health insurance - plus we had really gotten behind on bills. I hate being a working mother. We're still paying medical bills three years later, and we still have not caught up financially. My husband does not make enough for all of us to live on, plus he works at a restaurant and he's hourly, so when they're slow he's sent home, making him short on his paycheck. We have talked about another child, but it would be ridiculous to pay for two children in daycare. Just one in daycare is making us broke! If we had another, I would insist on being a stay at home mom, and we would probably end up living in a cardboard box! So...for financial reasons and health reasons (scared of pre-e again), we have pretty much decided to stop at one. Now, if we win the lottery, we may change our minds! Good luck - it's a hard decision.

Suzanne
Mommy to Miss Hannah Rose
26.5 weeker born 8/24/01
severe pre-e & IUGR
1 pound, 1 ounce
12 inches
Miracles do happen!

[caitlynsmama]

My dh and I have talked about me staying home if we have another one but his job would have to compensate for the loss of my wages. Of course I could bring work home too since I have been a paralegal for almost ten years now. There are possibilities but every day is frustrating as to how much I miss in Caitlyns life. Some nights I pick her up from my Mom's house or from my friends house or come home from when she has stayed with my dh's mom and she is miserable and tells me about it for a couple of hours until she goes to bed. Some days she just smiles really big and hugs me when I pick her up. That certainly helps if you know what I mean? I know that I have to work, made that decision before she was born but I cannot help but remember the ten years I was with my first husband and did not think I could get pregnant. How I longed for a baby and cried every month when it did not happen and how I took four pregnancy tests the month I found out Caitlyn was coming. Four tests and a trip to a doctor before I would let myself believe it. I know, it is me putting pressure on myself but I am sure some of you ladies can relate.

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[annes]

Oh such a hard question. For us the answer was easy, I could stay at home, and we could eat peanut butter sandwiches everyday, give up our car, and do nothing, or I could go back to work. Actually, I always planned to go back, because I like my work, but I would have loved to have been able to take a year off. Now with an unplanned pregnancy, I will have to go back earlier with this one. We found a daycare that we love, and I do have hard days, Mondays esp. when I want to cry because I miss my little guy. No easy answer to this one. Just wanted to let you know I can relate. Good luck.

Anne
DH Richard
Parker 7/6/03(severe pe)33wks
Pregnant again (OOPS!), due June 2, 2005

[wcarder]

Shannon ~
Boy, do I feel your pain!!!!!! Of course, I too had a preemie, and PE, etc., etc. but I am also a working mom - in fact, I am a full time PARALEGAL, as you are. [^] I too fight DAILY with the guilt of leaving my girly every day, and there is NOTHING worse than having a rough morning (fighting to get her up, get her dressed, get her teeth brushed, get her out the door....)and then having to spend the next nine (+) hours away from her wishing I hadn't yelled, or I could've been more patient, more helpful, more understanding,, less stressed, less rushed, on and on and on...and just hating that I can't give her a hug until 5:30 tonight. And I am CONSTANTLY consumed with having another baby (my girl is FIVE, BTW - a kindergartener!!!!), and my desire to be a stay at home mom, and the financial issues, my health issues and my husbands fears, and all that comes with it - as I'm sure you know too well.
Anyway, I wish I had some advice for you...my husband and I are planning a move out of state, and we have discussed buying a smaller house when we move, so that we can better afford for me to stay at home, and have another baby. There's nothing I want more on this EARTH, but it's a work in progress - we have to be patient, save, make plans. But believe me, I know exactly what you are going through. Being a mom in general is so hard and I know plenty of moms who stay at home, and have a lot of the same battles we do. It's obviously a personal choice, and I'm not at all saying one is better than the other, but like you, I hate feeling like I'm missing out, like I'm not there for my daughter. So, hopefully if we work hard enough, we'll get what we want, Shannon, and have baby number two, and get to QUIT our PARALEGAL jobs and stop taking care of these LAWYERS and be with our babes instead. [:D] Good luck, hun.

Wendy
DD~ Kenzie Celeste, 30 weeks GA, severe PE

[deerhart]

Hey now, Lawyers need love too [;)] BTW Paralegal are gods/goddess and should be treated as such, they are the backbone of the legal field!

I otherwise can't add much to this discussion because being a stay at home mom just isn't for me. I found out rather qickly that I need the time away from not only the kids, but my house and spouse to interact with other adults. It may be my personality or it may be that mixed with everything else we have been through with the kids.
Its actaully gotten a bit easier since Alex is now more able to discuss his day with us and really express his feelings more. Thus we are more assured that he likes what he's doing everyday (going to preschool). Alex was very hard because he cried most days when you dropped him off anywhere, but the sitter we have now that only lasted a month or 2 and while he fusses every once in awhile (I want to go to school with mommy) 90% of the time he is more then willing to go which makes it so much easier.
Mason on the other hand hasnt' had a sepeeration anxiety issue at all which is a blessing. This is mostly because he is with Alex all the time at the sitters so he always had someone very familiar near by so was okay with being there.

Working vs staying at home is such a balance of different issues and concerns both can be very rewardin, but both also require a lot of effort, just focused in different places.

Erin

Moderator - Parents of Preemies
Missouri State Coordinator
Mommy to Alex (4)and Mason (1 1/2)
Law Student - 1 year done, 2 to go

[wcarder]

Erin ~ I agree with you, and I think especially when the kiddos get older, working can be really wonderful and rewarding for most people and it really is a personal choice. Still, I remember when my Noodle was little, and it's just so hard to have to be away.... * sigh* It's STILL hard for me to be away.....there really aren't any answers when it comes to trying to find the perfect balance between children, careers, spouses, and YOURSELF...and you throw in money...Whew! you can't win. All my "work at home mom" friends are having an identity crisis, and all my "work at the office mom" friends (and myself!) are having a guilt trip from *....I read this thing once that said "The phrase 'working mother' is redundant.....and I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career". Is that the truth or what?

BTW, Erin, I forgot you are an attorney in the makes - go girl! That's awesome. (; How's that going?

Kenzie never had seperation anxiety either - for me, that seemed even WORSE. To see my little girl run off into the arms of a day care provider, all smiles, use to break my heart. I use to TRY to get her to cry...you know, "BYE, BYE. I'm LEAVING. Bu-bye, mommies leaving...." the kid just waved. Sad, but true. (;

Anyway, I guess we can all agree that if there IS a happy medium somewhere, it will take most of us our whole lkives to figure out how to find it. Hang in there Shannon, I so totally know how you are feeling.

Wendy
DD~ Kenzie Celeste, 30 weeks GA, severe PE