Watching tv..........

[hutced]

The funniest thing happened this weekend. I was watching my favorite channel (discovery health) it was about conjoined twins. They were following this couple pregnant with conjoined twins and they were in the OB's office, I was thinking that room looks familiar. Then the dr came in and wow I think I know him. They put his name on the screen and to my suprise it was one of the dr's I had with my son!!!! It was kinda neat.

When I realized it was him it immediatly took me back to the day in that office when I was told I would deliver my son that day. I have so many emotions about that day. I am so happy they decided to deliver him because it saved his life, I am also upset and angry that they didn't take all the signs seriously or let me know how dangerous PE is which is what put my son it that situation to begin with.

I was finally, after 5 months, getting over the shock of the experience, the 3 weeks leading up to that day, the loss of not being able to remember a lot of my labor or my sons birth, how I felt when he wasn't breathing and the whole nicu experience. Now after seeing that show I have been reliving the whole thing over and over again. I know I shouldn't dwell because my son is here and is such a happy baby, he is my joy, but I guess I have to start from square one again.

Has anyone else had a hard time moving on from your difficult pregnancy and birth? What helped you?

Denise
Emily 3-6-02 41 1/2wks, 7lbs15oz
Evan 10-21-03 35wks, 5lbs6oz, PIH/PE (placental abruption)http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/h/hutced/

[sandy]

Hi Denise,
Sorry you're having a hard time moving on from your difficult pregnancy and birth. You asked what has helped some of us move on...

For me, time has been the most significant helper. The months leading up to and last June is when all of my things happened. Give yourself some more time...it's all still fresh in your mind because it all happened so recently.

As soon as I felt able to get out, (DD was finally well enough for me to leave for a few hours, it was around 3 months postpartum I think) I found a great therapist and went to some sessions to process everything that had happened. His specialty was working with women and families who experienced pregnancy/birth in ways that weren't expected. It was really helpful. I decided at that point not focus on moving on, but rather to better understand all that I went through, have my feelings validated, and know that my DD's growth and birth are unique and very special.

I joined a playgroup around that time too, where all the moms have had "normal" pregnancies, so it's nice to be around that and have a break from moms talking about things like "adjusted age", "developmental delays", discussions of weight and percentages after each pediatrician visit. And I do have 2 friends who had high-risk pregnancies at the same time as me, so if I feel like I need to talk to someone who understands, maybe just a word or a phrase here or there, that's where I go, and of course, to this website, too.

Also, I started going 2 times per week to a "Mommy and Me" exercise class, which places much more emphasis on "Mommy" rather than "Me" and that that been a good way for me to get back to feeling strong, healthy, and in better control of my life, after feeling so weak and helpless during my pregnancy and the birth.

A few months ago, I started on my DD's baby book and a separate ongoing family scrapbook. I was finally ready, and even then, it was difficult emotionally for me at times. I wrote the words and put the pictures and cards and momentos in place (one page is dedicated to a full-page handout of the Level III NICU description and rules!) and now I have a place I can go look at it all when I want. I guess that was a little "closure" for me, and makes me feel good it's all in once place now.

And even now, 10 months after my DD's birth, I'll think I'm just fine with all that happened and then something will reimind me that I'm still working on things. Last week, we were watching an old "Friends" re-run with Phoebe having her babies, and my husband said to me in a laughing way (and I was laughing right along with him until the end), "wouldn't that be different if after your baby is born it's put right on your chest and you get to hold it and ahhh and ooh over it and the baby goes back with you to your room and then you all leave the hospital together as a family in the next day or two?" and then all of a sudden I got teary. And my DH felt horrible of course! :)

I think it will always be a part of us. What I mostly think about now is what a miracle my little DD is, how lucky I am to be able to watch her grow, and what a unique and special story it is that we share as a family.

I send you thoughts of comfort and wishes of healing as you find your way to feeling more settled about your pregnancy and the birth.

~Sandy/DD born via emergency C at 35 wks/1 day June '03 due to Severe PE/class III HELLP/chronic HBP/asthma

[kylesmom]

Denise, I agree with Sandy that time is really the best healer- true to the saying "time heals all wounds." I am now almost 8 months postpartum and I have days where I don't think about it at all, but then every once in awhile, it sneaks up on me. I catch the Birth Day shows on occasion and get teary when I remember how devastated I was when I first entered the hospital and was told to abandon everything I thought the delivery would be. I am envious watching women labor in the tub, pace the halls, change positions and CHOOSE whether or not to have medication. Then I feel guilty for being envious- why shouldn't they have "normal" deliveries?

I am still saddened by the fact that my husband and I both wanted a big family and are now quite sure that one is enough for us. Having severe atypical PE and HELLP Syndrome too, we were too close to not making it to want to take that risk again. I am in awe of those who take the chance and pray for healthy and normal pregnancies for them all. I still have anxiety that all the meds and steroids, etc will have some sort of long term effect on Kyle- he is a beautiful baby, but definitely what I would classify as "high-need." But I do have faith that he will be just fine and someday so will I-- and so will you too. Hang in there.

Jennifer 32
Kyle born 8-13-03 @ 38 weeks (severe atypical Preeclampsia and HELLP)

[tracyremax@charter.net]

Denise, I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I too had long lasting emotional issues and anxiety after my PIH and severe postpartum preeclampsia. But I went to a counselor for a few months and also tried Celexa an antidepressant which helped my anxiety and anger from the experience. It helped me until I was able to process the experience and put it behind me. It is not for everyone and you probally don't need it at all but just a thought. Time also helps put it away because you realize over time that you and your baby are ok and you relish every moment of being a mom. Prior to my sons birth I was workaholic and I have learned to slow way down and enjoy every moment. That is a gift I am not sure I would have received if I had a "normal" birth and pregnancy. Take care of yourself, seek help as you need it and be your own advocate. I found this site and educating myself on Preeclampsia current research/treatments etc. to be vey empowering. Good Luck, I wish you speedy healing.

Tracy in Massachusetts

[hutced]

I appreciate your replies, I am sure it is just a matter of time until the wounds are healed and I can look at the whole experience without so much emotion. I think one of the biggest loss for me is that I can not remember my son being born. The last thing I remember is thinking my water broke and being told that I had a placental abruption then nothing until they were taking my son away because he wasn't breathing. That is what truely makes me sad. Everything else either makes me mad or even relieved.

Thank you all for sharing your experience with me, it gives me hope that I too will be able to move past it, with good days and bad ones. It will just take some work on my part, maybe counceling is not a bad idea.

Tracy that is so true about relishing the time I have with my kids, motherhood is the greatest.

Sandy, I just joined a music class with my son and daughter and I am trying to find a playgroup in my area. I think some fresh air and a little fun would do a world of good for me and my babies.

I can't talk to my family about this because I am afraid they will say "your son is healthy so get over it", and maybe it should be that easy, I just wish I knew how to do it. Oh and if I even hint at the thought of having another baby my family gets angry and asks "why would you want to go through that again". I did, thank goodness, have a normal first pregnancy!! But my 2nd was stressful for everyone. My mom was with me when the dr told me to go straight to the hospital we are going to have a baby and I caught her crying in her car, she was trying to be strong for me and didn't want me to know how scared she was. You may be right Jennifer it may in fact be too risky to try again, but it is way too early for me to even think about it at this point.

Thanks again your words really did make a difference to me.

Denise
Emily 3-6-02 41 1/2wks, 7lbs15oz
Evan 10-21-03 35wks, 5lbs6oz, PIH/PE (placental abruption)http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/h/hutced/

[paljane8]

Feel free to talk here! This is a group of women who understand and are probably going through it as well. It is nice to walk that path to recovery with someone.

DH and I drove by the hospital Janie was born at. I was surprised at the rush of fear and anxiety and panic that washed over me! I had to remind myself that I was experiencing a memory because it felt so real! It has not been long enough!

Nancy Eastwood
Moderator/WA State Co-Coordinator

ds-8yrs, dd-7yrs
Scott-4yrs (PE)
Janie-5/12/03 (PIH, oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/

[haunaniv]

Denise,
I don't think anyone can fully understand the emotional rollar coaster involved with all this without experiencing it themself. One of my hardest obstacles was having friends and family who really didn't understand what I had gone through. They seemed to minimize it and say things like "Oh, you weren't that sick...." I felt very alone at a time when I really needed extra help. They didn't understand why it took so long to recover both physically and emotionally, some even commenting that I should be thankful to have a healthy baby. I don't know if you ever totally "recover" emotionally -- it's always with you, however, you do learn to cope. For me time has been the great healer.

Some things that have helped include educating myself about PE, PIH, HELLP, etc. This has helped me understand the events leading up to and occuring during my pregnancies and deliveries. Also, taking care of myself physically to be in the best health possible. I have found that there is a connection between my physical and mental/emotional health. I have also found a lot of comfort in meditation/relaxation and my religious beliefs. This group has been a tremendous support and resource as well.

As time goes on you may still have moments when all the emotions rush in - and that's normal. I think all of the women here can testify to that. When I found out I was pregnant again I cried partly because I was happy, but mostly because I was scared to death of being pregnant again. [:)]

Know you are among friends. Take care -- my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Nancy: 36 yrs.
dd: 1994 - 40+ weeks, PE
dd: 1997 - 38 weeks, No Complications!
ds: 1999 - induced at 36 weeks, PE
Another boy! - EDD 6/23/04

[tracyremax@charter.net]

Denise, I received the same comments. Yor son is fine your alive get over it. They don't understand how shellshocked you are after waiting for the happiest day of your life the birth of your child and then haveing to deal with serious complications and possible death at the same time. I was so naive b/c I never associated the two together before I got seriously ill. The emotions are overwhelming and unless you have lived it you can't fully understand it. It was very hard for my family they were traumatized too but they seemed to have the alls well that ends well attitude and we have to sit down and funnel through what the heck just happened. I felt anger, anxiety, sadness, disgust at how little my doctors knew about pe and treating me. It takes a long time to work through. I missed the first 10 days of my sons life bc I was so sick. He went home from the hospital while I stayed another 7 days. It is just not something that I was ever prepared for. It is like the dream of a normal pregnacy and birth dies I did not get to take my son home from the hospital and soak in his first days of life. He came back to the hospital to take me home for a very long recovery. I feel everything you are stating you missed the dream of seeing your child born and that is a real loss that will take time and understanding to heal from. Good luck we will be thinking of you