One year ago...

[sarab]

So here it is, way past my bedtime, and I'm nowhere near sleep. It was a year ago today that I was blindsided with being diagnosed with PE at 23 weeks. I say "blindsided" because although I'd been on BP meds since 12 weeks, no one had ever mentioned that PE was a possibility. Each prenatal visit I had been told that my BP was still high and they were upping my dosage, but no one seemed to act like it was the slightest bit concerning, (other than it was an inconvenience because I was suffering from severe headaches) so I never thought to ask. I honestly thought that high BP was a natural part of pregnancy and didn't give it a second thought. I didn't even bother to look up anything about it on the internet, which is a rarity for me. [:p]

So I was told that I had mild PE (24 hour was just over 300 and BP was 150s/90s-100s, but it always was, so that was nothing new), and was put on bedrest. My doctor was VERY concerned because, although it was "mild" for now, it could escalate so very quickly. Suddenly, instead of talking about impending stretch marks and heartburn, we were discussing (I use the term "discuss" loosly -- HE was talking and I just sat in shocked silence) things like steriod shots and "viability". I distinctly remember him using the word "abort". My life was turned upside down in a flash, and I know that so many of you here know exactly what I'm talking about. I would never be the same.

So tonight I find myself sitting at the computer and crying, when I should be sleeping, knowing that the next several months are going to be full of "less-than-pleasant" memories. I must admit that I feel guilty for feeling like this, because I know that, tragically, I am one of the "lucky" ones. Although we had a pretty rough go of things, Maggie and I are alive, which is more than so many (TOO many) others can say. Every time I look into Maggie's innocent blue eyes I know that I'm looking at a miracle, and I pray daily that I never take that for granted.

This was not intended to be a pity party, and I apologize for the rambling. I'm not looking for replies of wisdom or anything, I just really needed to sort through some things. Looks like I need to just invest in a journal...[:)]

I want to thank you all so much for your friendship and support. There are some AMAZING women here, and I am so grateful for your strength and wisdom. I love you all, and am SO blessed to know you.

Sara, 23
Local Coordinator, Utah

DH, Scott, 25
Maggie Lylas, 6/9/03, 29 weeks, severe pre-e
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/m/maggielylas/

[paljane8]

Right back at 'cha, Sara. I am glad to know you too! Thank you for sharing your feelings because there are so many that have positive outcomes and feel the way you do. Putting words to feelings is hard. But, it gives others a voice as well. So thank you, Sara. I am sorry you are hurting-you are in my thoughts and prayers as you process this.

Nancy Eastwood
Moderator/WA State Co-Coordinator

Calvin-8yrs
Saren-7yrs
Scott-4yrs (PE)
Janie-5/03 (PIH, oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/

[maddiekinsmom]

Sara-
You couldn't have said it better. We just celebrated Maddie's 3rd birthday and this was the toughest year since it all happened. I too was blindsided after a regular check-up and Maddie was born via c-section 3 days later. This disease is so unfair - even when the ultimate outcomes are good. (We too are healthy like you and Maggie.)

I just wanted to thank you for saying what so many feel - including me! May you find some peace in the days to come.

Rachel

Rachel
Madeleine 4/8/01 (29 weeker: 1 lb,14oz; severe PE, IUGR)

[julie f]

Regardless of our outcomes, this disease robs us of so much.

And, ditto on how amazing this Foundation and the women here are. It has been a true lifesaver for me.

Keeping you in my prayers during this time,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Praying for a miracle... TTC #2 is a go!

Southern California Coordinator

[worriedhubby20]

That was very eloquently stated. I knew nothing of preeclampsia until my wife's bp went to 190/110 in her 27th week. From there it has been like someone put the world on fastforward. My Parker is now 1 month old. I'm still amazed everytime that I see him, and to look at my wife, you would never have guessed that she had been so incredibly ill such a short time ago. Now, we experience the NICU for and extended stay, and I'm thinking that maybe my family's experience may help someone, just as all of the wonderful people here helped me. Thank you for your beautiful words!

Rob, father of Parker, 30 weeks, 1 lb. 14 oz.

[sarab]

Thank you so much for the support. I am feeling a little better about things today.

Rob, looks like I need to change my post to "there are some AMAZING women AND MEN here...". [:D]

You guys rock!!

Sara, 23
Local Coordinator, Utah

DH, Scott, 25
Maggie Lylas, 6/9/03, 29 weeks, severe pre-e
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/m/maggielylas/

[taras mom]

Sara, I'm so glad you posted! It's been almost a year and a half since we lost our precious Tara, and I still have really bad days. I thought it was just me. I'm glad you're feeling better today. Maybe you do need a journal, but I hope you won't post any less when you get one.[:)]

Carol (38)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel

[mom2gigi]

Thank you so much for expressing what many of us feel. My daughter is also fixing to turn one in June and when I think back I feel like things went so unfair, most women talk about their joyous, but painful, experiences of childbirth. Though I never had to feel the pains of childbirth, I was so out of it, I can't really remember my child being born except through pictures and it breaks my heart. I know I'm lucky, too like you, that we are both here and well but I think about when Gigi is older and asks about when she was born, what am I gonna say... I'm sorry baby girl, I don't really remember, you surprised us and came early, I didn't get to hold you when you were born till two days later, and you were wisked in and out of my arms when my BP would fluctuate suddenly and my heart beat would go crazy... I mean PE so impacted my life and my husband's that we aren't sure will TTC again. And I HATE THAT!!!!!!
Ok I'm sorry, I'm rambling on.

I just want to thank each one of you, my HERO's, I hold each one of you dear to my heart and I pray that God gives each one of us the measure of peace and strength we need each day.
Love you!

Adriana

Giselle - born 6/04 @ 35wks, severe sudden preeclampsia by emergency c-section.

[annegarrett]

I must be in PMS cause I am just dripping tears. Sigh. I am forever moved by the people here. I just wanted to thank Giselle for that little prayer--I printed it out and posted it--we are going through a tough time but your support (in energy, thoughts and support to total strangers) keeps the PF alive.

Take good care,

(Praying for Parker's ongoing health!)



Anne Garrett
Executive Director
Preeclampsia Foundation

[ann marie]

Sara,

I think how you are feeling is very normal. I don't know how one can go through a trauma like pe (and it is a trauma even if the ultimate outcome is good) without having their life be forever changed. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. You were such a wonderful support to me during my pregnancy. Your experience gave me strength.


Ann Marie
PIH/PE/Low Amniotic Fluid
Luke 3/17/04--37 weeks