So here it is, way past my bedtime, and I'm nowhere near sleep. It was a year ago today that I was blindsided with being diagnosed with PE at 23 weeks. I say "blindsided" because although I'd been on BP meds since 12 weeks, no one had ever mentioned that PE was a possibility. Each prenatal visit I had been told that my BP was still high and they were upping my dosage, but no one seemed to act like it was the slightest bit concerning, (other than it was an inconvenience because I was suffering from severe headaches) so I never thought to ask. I honestly thought that high BP was a natural part of pregnancy and didn't give it a second thought. I didn't even bother to look up anything about it on the internet, which is a rarity for me. [:p]
So I was told that I had mild PE (24 hour was just over 300 and BP was 150s/90s-100s, but it always was, so that was nothing new), and was put on bedrest. My doctor was VERY concerned because, although it was "mild" for now, it could escalate so very quickly. Suddenly, instead of talking about impending stretch marks and heartburn, we were discussing (I use the term "discuss" loosly -- HE was talking and I just sat in shocked silence) things like steriod shots and "viability". I distinctly remember him using the word "abort". My life was turned upside down in a flash, and I know that so many of you here know exactly what I'm talking about. I would never be the same.
So tonight I find myself sitting at the computer and crying, when I should be sleeping, knowing that the next several months are going to be full of "less-than-pleasant" memories. I must admit that I feel guilty for feeling like this, because I know that, tragically, I am one of the "lucky" ones. Although we had a pretty rough go of things, Maggie and I are alive, which is more than so many (TOO many) others can say. Every time I look into Maggie's innocent blue eyes I know that I'm looking at a miracle, and I pray daily that I never take that for granted.
This was not intended to be a pity party, and I apologize for the rambling. I'm not looking for replies of wisdom or anything, I just really needed to sort through some things. Looks like I need to just invest in a journal...[:)]
I want to thank you all so much for your friendship and support. There are some AMAZING women here, and I am so grateful for your strength and wisdom. I love you all, and am SO blessed to know you.
Local Coordinator, Utah
DH, Scott, 25
Maggie Lylas, 6/9/03, 29 weeks, severe pre-e