tears

[jenny]

I came by the group a couple nights back and hadn't been here for a bit. Christian is now 4 months old, and you would think some of the fear and urgent feelings of our situtation would be past now.I looked at a baby's NICU pick, and read one of my old posts and it did not take long for the tears to come.And once they began I couldn't stop. I guess I am surprised at this lingering hold that this experience has had on me. Every time I think about it, I hold Christian a little longer that day and appreciate him a little more.Do any of you find that the pain seems to stay just below the surface? I feel guilty for it because some of these courageous woman have lost their angels and I have been blessed enough to have been able to bring my baby home. But for some reason it just doesn't seem to heal.And everytime I hear of a woman dieing from pre-e, or a baby getting released from a NICU, it feels like it is personal to me.Like some connection to all women and families devastated by this condition. I hope that someday we can all breathe a sigh of relief when a cure or more effective means of dealing with it, have been found. God bless.

Jenny(30)
Mommy to Zarse (fullterm)
Holly(fullterm;V.B.A.C.,posterier position)
and Christian ( blood clot at 13 weeks and born at 34+ weeks due to severe P.E. 4.lbs. 4 and 1/4 oz.)

[iansmom]

I think the pain will always be with me, but so is the joy and gratitude for having a happy healthy boy. I rocked him to sleep on his 2nd birthday while I cried. Even though he usually climbs in bed and falls alseep - I just needed to do that. Just enjoy your child and be thankful - not guilty.

Ian 12/26/01 - 26 weeks P/E & HELLP
#2 EDD July 15, 2004

[hutced]

Jenny,
I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. I know how you feel and I think everyone on this website understands what you are going through and have been there. Evan just turned 7 months and just recently I can go a day or 2 without reliving the whole experience in my head. I will never get over it since I must now live with the daily reminder of what happend to me and my son but it is not taking over my life anymore. Things do get easier and fade a little, it will always be with you. But I think you are so right, it does make us appreciate our little ones a bit more, and give them an extra hug and kiss everyday. You are in my thoughts.

Denise
Emily 3-6-02 41 1/2wks, 7lbs15oz
Evan 10-21-03 35wks, 5lbs6oz, PIH/PE (placental abruption)http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/h/hutced/

[megansmom]

Jenny, I know exactly how you feel. It was months before I relaxed at all. Megan is now 2, and though the pain has faded quite a bit, it is still there. I still feel a connection to all mothers with pe or premature babies, and probably always will. You will get better with time, but the memories will always be there. I still cry sometimes when I am rocking my baby girl and realize how lucky I am to have her here with me. I too hope that we can find a cure soon! Just hang in there and know that it will get better! We are always here for you if you need us!

Amanda
Mama to Megan, PE at 34 wks

[laura]

Jenny, I am so happy to see you around again!! I don't know if that feeling ever goes away- my severe pe baby just turned six-- and she's in that sassy kid stage, no snuggly newborn left at all- but sometimes I'm overwelmed with the gift of her and it still moves me. And I'm beholden- to the doctors that saved us both, to the Creator- to everything that I have my child. I'm not saying that I'm glad we had to go through all of it, but it certainly brought home the value of my children to me. I will never take them for granted, or a single day I get to be with them. Godwilling, it'll always be like that.

Laura
Moderator/AK Coordinator

Mom to Alicia (severe PE) 5/98 and Camille (htn, oligo) 4/03
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/c/camilleandallie/

[hannahsmom]

Hi, Jenny! I often have those moments. My one pound wonder will be three in August. The week leading up to her birthday last year and the year before were so hard for me. I just kept thinking of everything that happened on those days leading up to her crazy delivery. Last week I found the journal that I wrote in while she was in the NICU. I had lost when we moved and was so excited to find it. Well, of course, I cried and cried. The journal entries were so sweet and sad. I was so desperate for her to survive. The joy I had when she gained half an ounce...the sadness I felt when she went downhill and the nurse practioner told us she might not make it. Wow, I'm crying again! I will always be grateful for her and will never take her for granted (even when she is throwing one of her terrible tantrums and is driving me crazy [:p]

Suzanne
Mommy to Miss Hannah Rose
26.5 weeker born 8/24/01
severe pre-e & IUGR
1 pound, 1 ounce
12 inches
Miracles do happen!

[jenny]

Thanks so much for all of your replies and for taking the time to respond. I hope that it didn't sound like whining because I do feel so blessed to have been able to bring him home and that he did not have more serious complications than he did. I think that there is a reason for everything, and even though we may not know why right now, I think we have all been drafted into this war ,for a reason. Take care.

Jenny(30)
Mommy to Zarse (fullterm)
Holly(fullterm;V.B.A.C.,posterier position)
and Christian ( blood clot at 13 weeks and born at 34+ weeks due to severe P.E. 4.lbs. 4 and 1/4 oz.)

[annes]

Jenny, rest assured that no one thought you were whining, I read your post almost immediately after you wrote,it, no one had replied yet, and I couldn't reply because I felt as though you had peered into my soul and written down what you saw there. The other day I was with my son and a guy who I don't really know, but have seen around my office building said, what a beautiful baby, you and your husband should get to work making some more! He was just being nice, but I wanted to cry, he probably thought I was crazy. I couldn't even think of something to say in response! I've said things like that to people myself. Of course I don't anymore now that I realize that not every pregnancy goes according to plan. Now I have to go call my husband and have him tell me how that baby is doing[:I].

Anne
DH Richard
Parker 7/6/03(severe pe)33wks

[sarab]

Hi, sorry I'm joining a bit late -- don't know how I missed this post earlier.

Jenny, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. I have been having a hard time for the past few weeks -- it was a year ago that I had my pree fun. All of us have been touched so deeply by our experiences with this disease...the pain and truama does fade, but never goes away completely.

Here's a link to a post I made awhile ago talking about some of the same feelings. I am posting it because there are some wonderful, heartfelt responses from some of the amazing women here, particularly Mom2Gigi's response:

http://www.preeclampsia.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3082

Please know that you are not alone in your feelings, and we are all here for you if you ever need to talk. Let us know how things are going.

Hugs,


Sara, 23
Local Coordinator, Utah

DH, Scott, 26
Maggie Lylas, 6/9/03, 29 weeks, severe pre-e
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/m/maggielylas/

[melissa71502]

Hi Jenny! It is amazing how many of us feel the same way! When I was pregnant with my second baby, I began to look at bulletin boards and not until recently did I find this one. This is exactly what I need to let me know I am not the only one who feels this way. I am almost ready to go through the 2-yr anniversary of the hospital stay/delivery in July. I remember the 1-yr...rocked my miracle to sleep that night and kept on rocking her. I don't think we can ever be over these feelings. For me, I think God did this to make me appreciate everything more.

Melissa (28)
dh Mohan (29)
Kalindi 7/25/02, 35 weeks(HELLP)
Madelyn 2/5/04, 38 weeks (PIH borderline pre-e)