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I need some advice

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I need some advice

Postby nicole0709 » Sun Oct 04, 2009 00:51 am

by nicole0709 (5 Posts), Sun Oct 04, 2009 00:51 am

I don't mean to hurt anyone by this I will say that to start. I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose a child. Maybe I am being selfish by my feelings but I just can't change them.

My son was born at 36 wks due to severe PE. I was there alone. My mom walked in while I was pushing I had pulmonary edema after his birth. He was in the NICU.


My boyfriend tells me lately I get in an attitude easily and I have anger problems. Of course I have anger problems, I went through so much alone. I understand that he wanted to be there for his sister, but I spent so much time alone at the hospital the 2 weeks I was there I just can't make the bad emotions about this go away. His sister always had at least 2 ppl with her at all times. I don't want to feel this way but I really have bad feelings about the whole situation and I don't know how to let them go. Nobody from his family came to see me or the baby. They didn't know if my son was going to make it and nobody came. And it hurt so bad not being able to go to his nephew's funeral because it was the day after I had my son. Everybody talks about what she went through which I am sure is far worse than I went through but what I went through was not easy at all and they don't even acnowledge it. My boyfriend doesn't even understand why I am so hurt.I have my baby I am very lucky. But I still needed help. I still deserved to have someone there for me and my son. I didn't even know how much he weighed at birth until he was 3 days old. It was the worst experience of my life.

How do I let it go? I can't stay out of an attitude because I can't stop thinking about it and my son is almost 4 months old.

Help please!
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Re : I need some advice

Postby jules2 » Sun Oct 04, 2009 09:09 am

by jules2 (514 Posts), Sun Oct 04, 2009 09:09 am

I write this from the perspective of someone who has had severe preeclampsia and lost a baby due to it, earlier this year. I am not hurt by your comments, because I know I would have found the experience very traumatic even if my daughter had survived, and I would have expected my partner to be there for me whatever else was going on in his life (he was, and that has really helped us through some awful times). I totally agree with you that he should have been there for you despite his sisters stillbirth - you should not have been left on your own at this difficult time. I would be angry too if I was in your situation.

But I am very torn between just agreeing with you, and pointing out the other perspective, because as someone who has lost a baby, I understand how this might have happened. Your boyfriend and his family almost certainly do not understand that pre-eclampsia is very traumatic even if everything turns out ok in the end, so they simply downplay what you went through. I expect your boyfriend did not really understand the stress and anxiety you were going through, and from his perspective his sister was in so much worse a place. My baby dying is by far the worse experience of my life (and I have had other bereavements and difficult times), it is a pain and grief that you probably can't really imagine (that is not your fault). It is also much more "visible" and "tangible" than your suffering, so doesn't surprise me so much that your boyfriend and his family overlooked your needs.

Your boyfriend's sister is very angry at life right now (I don't blame her), and just lashing out - when your baby has died most other experiences (including yours) pale into insignificance - I'm sorry but that is how she will be feeling. I have said similar things, but that does not mean I am without sympathy for those who have had a miscarriage, actually I understand the sense of loss all too well. But I hate my loss being compared with a miscarriage - I went through labour too, you know? My daughter was a viable healthy baby, with nothing wrong with her. She should have had a great chance at life. That is probably why she is saying things you can't understand - please don't judge her harshly because of that. She really can't help it - the grief can be just overwhelming.

Its way too painful for me to see healthy newborn babies right now - and my mother feels like that too - so maybe that's why his family have not been to visit you yet (give them time). In any case, your boyfriend may not be responsible for what his family do.

I guess you have already tried talking to your boyfriend and that has not helped much? I think you do need to try to work through these issues with your boyfriend, he does need to understand that you felt scared and abandoned. Its going to affect your relationship otherwise. Have you tried counselling to work through some of these issues? Would your boyfriend come with you to that? Maybe he could understand that your experience was also very difficult & traumatic, and that he should have been there for you, with the aid of an outsider like a counsellor. That might help if you are struggling to communicate that to him.

I hope this helps you a bit, and that you find some way to work through this with your boyfriend.

Best wishes

Jules
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Re : I need some advice

Postby mother bear » Sun Oct 04, 2009 09:35 am

by mother bear (270 Posts), Sun Oct 04, 2009 09:35 am

It sounds like you are feeling neglected and abandoned by all, and jealous that she got/is getting the social support which every new mother needs, while you still aren't getting the social support that you need. Of course you are angry! Subconsciously, you may feel like your boyfriend cares much more about his sister than he does about you! Ouch. That's gotta hurt, wondering if he's gonna leave you and not help you the next time you may be close to dying. If it happened to me, I know I'd feel... wary and insecure and unloved. At least a little.

If your current social support network of family and friends has abandoned you and is not to be trusted to help you when you need it, then the only thing I can think of to help you solve your "attitude", is to find at least one new/old friend who IS willing to drop things and come to your aid when you need it.
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Re : I need some advice

Postby jules2 » Mon Oct 05, 2009 10:32 am

by jules2 (514 Posts), Mon Oct 05, 2009 10:32 am

Sorry Nicole, no his family have not been very supportive of you, I'm sorry about that. Could you point out that counselling with your boyfriend might be a positive step forward i.e. that you really want to find a way to feel better about everything that happened, and that you need his support with that? I would hope that he wants you to feel better, even if he doesn't see himself as responsible at all. Its hard to advise with you knowing you (and him).

Your boyfriend's sister really has lots of problems. Don't worry too much about saying the wrong things to her, the hardest thing I have found is that some of my close friends won't hardly speak to me and avoid talking about my baby with me. Some of my friends have said things I found a bit insensitive, but I don't generally get too upset about that - I realise that they don't and can't understand, but at least they are tryng to help. Avoiding me and making me feel more isolated is what is really hurtful.

Best wishes
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Re : I need some advice

Postby annegarrett » Tue Oct 06, 2009 02:47 am

by annegarrett (2525 Posts), Tue Oct 06, 2009 02:47 am

One of the most important lessons we've learned here is that everyone's loss counts--loss of a baby (miscarriage, at term, after birth), loss of a mom, loss of a relationship (this situation does test the best of them), loss of a perfect birth.

What I'm saying is let it be okay to not say "I should" I should be okay, I should NOT be okay, I should feel this way. You feel what you feel. It's not some choice--it's how you feel.

I appreciate what you're going through because I started this organization because of that same sense of anger--my family and friends didn't appreciate what had happened to me and I felt very alone and very angry. So I can tell you that with time and with work (counseling, journaling, talking to friends, etc) that you'll feel better and in time (for me it's been 13 years) you will feel empowered because you are right--what happened to you--the disease and the trauma--was awful. It was worse because you had to deal with it on your own. I'm so sorry. My husband (now my ex, actually) took some time to figure it out but eventually, he did. Counseling can help, and information can help but right now--I'd turn to this forum for support. He's not going to suddenly get it (I know this feeling, I think we all do)--but maybe in time he will. But right now, take care of you. I put links below to a speech I did recently at my college reunion. I talk about that time when I was alone in the hospital and I don't know, maybe it will help. I am really sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry about your niece. It's a lot of tough stuff all at once and no one has the magic card that tells you just how to cope with grief. I wish we did. But do come here and pour your heart out because a lot of women here have been where you are and can be there for you now. Take care--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXTmsJv6bkQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjUEt9IpGTs&feature=related

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Re : I need some advice

Postby milesymommy » Tue Oct 06, 2009 03:03 pm

by milesymommy (336 Posts), Tue Oct 06, 2009 03:03 pm

Nicole, I completely understand. My son was born @ 36 wks due to HELLP. My husband couldn't miss work. He was there for most of the labor & birth, and then he was gone. I couldn't have my son with me unless someone was there due to being on mag - and no one was there. Hours not being able to see him or BF him. I was told by a nurse that he was hungry, but wasn't taking the bottle. I asked and asked for him to be brought to me and have a nurse stay so I could BF him - hours would go by and I knew he was hungry but no one would bring him to me. He ended up severe jaundice even though he was born healthy. Lost over 1 lb in 3 short days. Had to have IV & blue lights & more time in hospital due to severe dehydration and jaundice - because I couldn't be with him because nobody was with me. Its been 2 1/2 yrs and it still hurts - but not as bad as it did the first few months. I didn't talk to DH about it because it wouldn't change anything. I hate how work takes priority over us sometimes but that's our lives right now. I have to accept it. So I vent here and vent to my sisters. The pain will lessen. It will always be a painful memory, but in time, it won't be so fresh or so painful. Some things take time, and acceptance. You can't change what happened. You can't change his sister or her feelings, just like she can't change yours. Acknowledge what you felt and feel are valid, but so are hers. Your boyfriend was in a tough spot and made a decision you don't like. But its now water under the bridge. Maybe some day he'll understand what you went through, but you can't force it. And maybe someday him understanding won't matter so much. I doubt my DH understands what pain I went through, but it doesn't matter. We love each other and have 2 wonderful sons to raise. We live for the joys of today and promises of a future filled with laughter and love, not the pain of the past.
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Re : I need some advice

Postby missgamecock » Tue Oct 06, 2009 09:30 pm

by missgamecock (6064 Posts), Tue Oct 06, 2009 09:30 pm

Well said.


quote:
Originally posted by annegarrett

One of the most important lessons we've learned here is that everyone's loss counts--loss of a baby (miscarriage, at term, after birth), loss of a mom, loss of a relationship (this situation does test the best of them), loss of a perfect birth.

What I'm saying is let it be okay to not say "I should" I should be okay, I should NOT be okay, I should feel this way. You feel what you feel. It's not some choice--it's how you feel.

I appreciate what you're going through because I started this organization because of that same sense of anger--my family and friends didn't appreciate what had happened to me and I felt very alone and very angry. So I can tell you that with time and with work (counseling, journaling, talking to friends, etc) that you'll feel better and in time (for me it's been 13 years) you will feel empowered because you are right--what happened to you--the disease and the trauma--was awful. It was worse because you had to deal with it on your own. I'm so sorry. My husband (now my ex, actually) took some time to figure it out but eventually, he did. Counseling can help, and information can help but right now--I'd turn to this forum for support. He's not going to suddenly get it (I know this feeling, I think we all do)--but maybe in time he will. But right now, take care of you. I put links below to a speech I did recently at my college reunion. I talk about that time when I was alone in the hospital and I don't know, maybe it will help. I am really sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry about your niece. It's a lot of tough stuff all at once and no one has the magic card that tells you just how to cope with grief. I wish we did. But do come here and pour your heart out because a lot of women here have been where you are and can be there for you now. Take care--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXTmsJv6bkQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjUEt9IpGTs&feature=related



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Re : I need some advice

Postby nicole0709 » Tue Oct 06, 2009 11:32 pm

by nicole0709 (5 Posts), Tue Oct 06, 2009 11:32 pm

Thank everyone so much! I appreciate all the input. I don't know why but every time I get on here I cry. Sometimes it's a good cry and sometimes it's a sad cry. I really need this place to be able to talk with others about my experiences, and about theirs. Off topic a bit but by looking at others topics it seems many ppl have developed PE in multiple pregnancies. The dr I saw told me he knew I had children with two different men because if I had my children by the same father I wouldn't have developed high blood pressure in my second pregnancy. Can someone help me out with this?
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