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Torn...don't know what to do

So, the baby's born, what comes next? Discuss your postpartum and parenting concerns here.

Torn...don't know what to do

Postby mommy2maddie » Fri Oct 30, 2009 02:26 pm

I had my baby boy on 10/7 at 35 weeks due to my water breaking, I had high bp throughout the pregnancy and some protein in my urine, my OB was worried I was going to get PE again but I did not officialy get diagnosed with it. I had to take weekly trips to MFM at a hospital over an hour away and had an overnight stay. It was really hard with my one year old daughter, not knowing if I was going to get put in the hospital and being on bed rest. My daughter was also born early at 29 weeks due to severe PE. Now my husband and my mother think that my husband should get a vasectomy (sp?), but I feel like I still want one more child. They both say that I could die and leave my children without a mother, which I know could happen, but I feel with good prenatal care, that would not happen. Then they always say that even if I didnt get PE I cant carry a baby to term, they say I proved that twice. My husband also says that the NICU is the worst experience he has ever had in his life, which I agree it is rough, but I just feel like he cannot predict what will happen in a next pregnancy. I know I should just be happy with my two wonderful children, but I feel like I want one more. What have you done or what would you do if your husband felt like this and you did not? Any advice greatly apperciated!
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Re : Torn...don't know what to do

Postby mom29 » Fri Oct 30, 2009 02:52 pm

You guys are young and you have a lot of years ahead of you. The decision should be entirely between you and your husband,not your mother. I'm sure she is givng her opinion because she cares about you, but the size of your family is a decision to be made by a husband and wife. Not your mom.

You made it to 35 weeks with your son and that is great! I would encourage you not to make any permanent decisions right now while your children are so young. My husband wanted a vasectomy when I got pregnant with our twins, but I was hesitant and asked "what if something happens to one of our children?" Sadly a few months later our 14 month old son died unexpectedly. I'm not saying that is going to happen to you, but the truth is we don't know what tomorrow holds. A friend of mine once told me that we shouldn't make decisions about our future fertility while we are pregnant or have a newborn. Looking back, I understand her advice because emotions are strong at that time color how we think. Perhaps you could ask your husband to wait awhile and just use birth control for right now.

I hope I haven't added to your confusion, I've just heard so many moms regret that they chose to permanently end their childbearing years.
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Re : Torn...don't know what to do

Postby kdreher » Fri Oct 30, 2009 03:38 pm

Alissa it is a very hard thing to make a decision on especially since you are so young. If I were you, I would consider a 5 or 10 yr IUD and then you can decide in 5 yrs where you are with children. My dh would tell you that the NICU was incredibly tough for him, he did not handle it very well. I lost my first son in 1995 to severe pe and I did end up with PE this time around and IUGR. I am also 40. Even if I was 30 or 35 I would not consider having any more children. For me the risk is to high and I really wouldn't want to risk Michael not having a mother, having a child born with life long defects, burying another. This is how I feel for me.
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Re : Torn...don't know what to do

Postby kara » Fri Oct 30, 2009 04:43 pm

I agree with the others that permanent decision should not be made when you are in a stressful situation - that includes an infant at home. It is a decision for you and your husband only, and one that can be made later. Not many docs would perform permanent sterilization at your tender ages. There are several forms of highly effective birth control, like an IUD, that can be used until you are both ready to make that decision together - one way or another.
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Re : Torn...don't know what to do

Postby hannahsmom » Mon Nov 02, 2009 12:18 am

Congratulations on your new baby! I agree with the others about holding off on permanent BC. After I had my daughter, I was determined that I would never in a million years have another baby. I was 26 when I had her, and asked my OB to tie my tubes when she was still an infant. He said no and I was really mad, but I'm glad he refused, because 8 years later we are now pregnant again. My daughter has asked for a sibling for years and we finally decided that we really wanted her to have a brother or sister. My husband and parents were also scared for me to get pregnant again, but I'm glad we didn't do anything permanent.
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Re : Torn...don't know what to do

Postby nicole0709 » Fri Nov 06, 2009 01:28 am

I am younger than you and have two children and trust me many many people tell me I should never have children again. But most of these people are people who do not realize that my life is just beginning and even though I love my children that I have I feel that one day I might want one or maybe even two more. It hurts to hear people say that I am not meant to have children because of my complications during pregnancy. It is not something that any of us ask for and it is something that is not guaranteed to happen again, even though it might. To me, I have not quite decided. I am too young even if I wanted that I would not have that option. My son is 5 months old and I feel like it is still just a tender topic. I'm sure my situation is different from yours, but I just feel like I want that experience you hear people talk about having their child and just being so happy and in love right away. I didn't have the chance for that fairytale because I was not crying with joy after my son's birth I was gasping for air because I had pulmonary edema and I felt like I was dying. I think there is some little part of me that wants to try again for that story but I'm sure it will be years down the road for me. Don't make any decisions too soon while everything is still fresh. Just give it time, and follow your heart.
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