advice, friend had a miscarriage

[milesymommy]

I know many on this forum have had miscarriages, so I am looking for advice. One of the mommies I meet for playdates with had a miscarriage a couple weeks ago. Or at least I think it was a miscarriage - all she wrote in the email was that she was no longer pregnant, so I guess it could also mean she terminated due to complications. She was a little over 3 months pregnant.
I am not that close to her - we have a playdate with other mommies about once a month, and we occasionally run into each other. When she emailed that she was no longer pregnant, I replied that I was sorry for her lose, and if she wanted to talk, she can call me. When I see her next weekend at the playdate, do I say anything? I've read not to ignore the lose, but this is a kids playdate and I'm not sure that's the appropriate forum to say anything.
She offered to host the playdate, and there are 6 mommies in the group. I have a 4 month old, and 2 other moms are 8 months pregnant. I know everyone is different, but I'm worried that seeing my baby and seeing the other two very pregger mommies may be hard on her. But she's the one who offered to host it, after her lose. She's a teacher, so always around kids, and she has 2 kids. So maybe she doesn't want to dwell on it and she's just focusing on living life right now.
Any advice on this situation?

[love_the_daschies]

I think a "thinking of you" card is always a nice touch, and you really can't go wrong with it. I guess myself I would personally just ask her how she is doing/ feeling and see if she wants to talk about it or let it drop.

I am not sure the emotions involved - I have never had a m/c - but I imagine regardless of the reason it is a painful loss.

[rebecca2]

When I had a miscarriage it was so early that no one knew I was pregnant, so they didn't have an opportunity to do/say anything. However, everyone knew when I lost my daughter shortly after birth and you would be surprised by the number of friends & coworkers that did or said nothing. That really hurt!

A "thinking of you" card or even a "miscarriage" card (some stores carry them now) will go a long way. I definitely wouldn't just ignore the topic because it is a play date, but you can be a little less direct and just ask how she is doing and again let her know she can call if she needs to talk. Even if she doesn't take you up on the offer, the thought really does count. Just keep it short and sweet.

[dbronson]

When I lost my third, I was showing and very obviously pregnant and then five days later after the hospital when I saw everyone again, I clearly was not. Fortunately I had friends who pretty much filled in the entire world so people would would not be confused when they saw me and make it easier for me to not have to field questions. However, I totally apprechiated me when people came up to me and said they were sorry. I would say just be honest. Something like, 'Hi, I feel awkward and just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss." THat goes a long way.

What I do remember is a family friend seeing me about a week after it happened. She has terminal cancer in her mouth and her face is disfigured .Anyway, she came up to me and said, "I know what its like to be avoided becasue people feel wierd and embarrassed about a tragedy. But the effort means more than the words to me. A pat on the shoulder goes a long way."
I couldn't agree more.

What I also learned is that I was never the "person who lost". At funerals I would never know what to say and stuff. Now I go right up to the people, look them in the eye and tell them how sorry I am. People just like to know you care. What you have to remember is people mean well, most of the time (I think). The worst I got was an older woman asking me that since it was in a hospital went through labor and all that I should get a death cert for tax purposes.

What?

Sorry this was long.

[jenh]

I don't know how others may feel about it, but it meant a lot to me when someone said she was sorry about my BABY and not "what happened" or "the miscarriage." Acknowledging that this really was my child and not just an abstract event really touched me.

[milesymommy]

Thanks for all the advice. I'll try to find a card for her. I just hope I don't stick my foot in my mouth. I'm not the best with words and I am often misinterpretted. I briefly ran into her in the parking lot last night - we just said hi and kept on moving because it was frigid out and she was on her way to her car with her boys. Her face was really puffy, so I wondered if she had been crying. Her husband deployed about a month ago, so I know things are rough for her right now.

[rebecca2]

Aimee, I think you'll do fine. If you're worried about sticking your foot in your mouth, the best advice I can give you is to just remember that you can't fix this for her, but you can be there for her. Sometimes the best thing to say, is the simple straight forward "I'm sorry you're hurting". Or, if you can tell she is fighting back tears, let her know it is ok to cry. Basically all you can do is listen and cry with her, you can't fix it. Or, if she just wants to sit in silence, you can just sit there with her so that she is not alone.

[kbunsey]

I would say something or get a "thinking of you" card. I know a lot of people are afraid to do "the wrong thing" which admitedly until I had my own loss I always felt afraid of. But to me, the wrong thing is doing nothing. When I lost FB (which wasn't a miscarriage but still a loss) I appreciated people who asked me what was best to do - people who let me decide how I wanted to be treated instead of the people who made decisions for me thinking they were "sparing my feelings" and giving me "space" by saying and doing nothing or avoiding me all together b/c they had babies or children or were pregnant. I felt the best thing was when people said, "What can I do?" "What would you like?" and "Let me know" and also people who said they were sorry but acted normal too - like just came and hung out, went for walks, yoga class, took me to the beach, ate lunch together - helped me get back to living. I had a friend who said, "I'm not going to send you cards w/ smiles and flowers that say you need to 'cheer up' b/c we both know that BS won't work right now - honestly, we both know that sometimes things just suck." She said, "I'll do whatever you need: listen, let you *****, yell, cry, talk about nonsense - anything you want to do!" And that was awesome.

I've also found that saying something like, "I am sad because you are sad" works too. And just being present.

I agree with JenH too - I am sorry about your BABY. I remember my PCP saying, "You lost the pregnancy" and I retorted quickly, "I had a dead baby." Harsh. Ouch. I know. But that's what it was. My baby died. And I say loss, too, b/c I guess it sort of lessens the blow - but the reality is, the baby isn't "lost" - like missing in the woods - the baby died.

I'm sure you'll make a good choice. :-)

[missgamecock]

I agree with dbronson and Jen. I was 13 1/2 weeks and already showing. My baby passed within a day or so of the US that showed no hb. Saying your sorry for the loss of the baby is important. I was furious when a nurse barged into my room as soon as I was admitted to give me information regarding recurrent pregnancy loss (at the time it was my first MC!) and then constantly referred to my baby as an embryo. This baby was NOT an embryo, but a fully formed baby that no longer had a hb. I FLIPPED out, went off on her and threw her out of my room. I also wrote a letter to the nurse manager to let her know that my BABY was referred to as an embryo (which at 13 1/2 weeks, he clearly was not).

I like the I know how it feels to be avoided. It was the simple things. I remember one of my friends when she heard flippantly said well she knew it was high risk to my sil when she told her (I was in the hospital for a D&C that night and she took Kirsten to dance. My friend wanted to know where I was). She wasn't thinking. The following week, she came up to me apologized profusely and we both sat in the middle of the dance studio's waiting room crying our eyes out and then other moms were with tears too. We just couldn't help it. I started bawling that was all that it needed to get her started. My friend made sure to get the news out to all of our other friends in our circle. So everyone knew about it. She became my buffer.

[surefoott]

This is a tough question and I know everyone has their own opinion about it; but here's another side of the coin. When my daughter had her miscarriage, she did not want anyone saying anything to her about it. Even to say, they were sorry that her baby died. She had to work through it herself before she was able to respond to even the shortest comment, and particularly when she was out or at work. She didn't want cards or flowers, and told me that she didn't want people feeling sorry for her. It took her some time before she could talk about it; and that was the way she preferred it. I think it is fine to say something short and simple to people to acknowldge and I always try to do that; but just keep in mind that some people don't WANT any acknowledgement until much later. Boy, I so agree with all the people who said that if you are going to say something, refer to a BABY and not just 'your loss' or your 'miscarriage'.