Light Are On and I Think I'm Home

[kbunsey]

Hi. I've been off the PF for a while. I needed a break, plus it was summer and I was spending too much time at home, isolated from other adults and getting pretty bizarro. I'm back at work now (teacher) and that's good for me. Kyle is doing great! He's getting sooooo big and has 7 teeth and cruising furniture and babbling all sorts of cute noises, giggling and super social.

Here's my really good news: The lights are back on and I think I honestly feel pretty good. One day in August I was outside and just thought, "Oh. Wow. The grass is green and the sky is blue." Like somebody turned my vision from black&white to color again. My postpartum depression was AWFUL! Well...and probably just central nervous system overload and grief and ... I went through this terribly angry phase in the spring. I was getting really worried about myself and wondering if I was ever going to feel better. I was mad, too, b/c people kept saying stuff like, "You should be happy - you have Kyle now." And I was totally isolating b/c I didn't want to expose how I was feeling to anyone and I was so sad and mad and not enjoying my time w/ Kyle sometimes b/c I was still so sad about Fiona and probably just hormonally wacked from everything. It stunk!

I donno. I think I'm OK. At least for now. Thursday is Fiona's expected due date from 2008 and we plan to take her gravesite a pumpkin and flowers, but I think I feel OK. Meaning I'm not breaking down or drowning in sorrow. For now.

I have A LOT of catching up to do here. Thank you for reading!

[mnmom]

Hi Katie! Good to see you and great update. Isn't that "ok" realization wonderful? I have been having a less than wonderful summer, but just last week as I sat on the step watching the boys play, I had that realization that hey, I'm ok!!!! I hope teaching is going well!

[caryn]

You know, I bet it had something to do with the fact that other people were telling you how you were supposed to be feeling. Instead of, you know, asking.

Good to see you back. :)

[wrennie]

katie, thats great!! glad to hear it!

[aundapenner]

Katie - great to "see" you back here. I, too, have been on a bit of a hiatus, trying to adjust to well, life.

After Sofia's birth, I purchased a book about ppd - this isn't what I expected. Since dealing with PPD since Henry's birth, I just thought the feelings I have had were normal. And, like you, I was always told how I should feel and made to feel as though my anger, my sadness, my weariness were my own doing.

I just yesterday picked this book back up - and shocked myself that I was waaaay back in the first part of the book. Guess I wasn't ready for too much more.

Know that it takes time to work through it all ... and allow yourself to have good days and bad ones.

I am thrilled to read that you were able to really see the sky and appreciate it all ... those things are still hard for me some days. And wow! Your little man is doing so well!

[rosemary]

Katie..welcome back! So glad to read your update...and that you are doing well.

[milesymommy]

Katie,
Glad to hear you feel so much better. I am lucky... my husband is very understanding.
I started taking prozac this year, and it really helped. Work was really mundane for me for a long time, and its now picked up. I think working (and having something to do at work!) really helps the spirit and helps keep your mind from dwelling on things and replaying things.
((HUGS))

[jmom08]

I am so sorry about your PPD and everything you have been through. Hugs to you and Kyle. I am glad that the sky is blue again, and hope you keep feeling better and better. :)