Mentally replaying birth?

[gterrytx]

Hi,
I was induced 3 months ago due to a sudden onset of PE; I had no edema or any other noticeable sympton. The PE was caugt at a routine 38 week exam. My doctor gave me two hours to get to the hospital to be induced. I had low platelets, etc. all the HELLP symptoms. I felt fine so it was strange to have the doctor and nurses telling me I was "very ill" with "severe" PE. For some reason, I didn't ask them questions about what it all meant; neither did my husband. They placed me on magnesium sulfate and I delivered a healthy baby boy. Life went on.

However, I can't stop replaying his birth in my mind. I don't know if it's because the mag made me feel "foggy" or if I'm just now realizing how serious it was, but I'm obsessed with replaying his birth. I want a "do over" where I ask questions and truly savor my son's entrance into the world.

Does anyone else obsess about their birth experience?
gina

[ktdwll]

Gina,

I know I do that with my daughter Kata's delivery with my granddaughter. Lille. It all happened so quick and it seemed like a whirlwind. We have just come here for support. We also got Kata and Lille's medical records and read and reread them. You are not alone and here you will find support and understanding.

Diane

[aajatwins]

Hi Gina
I think that is perfectly normal. I went in to be induced (just because I couldn't carry twins much longer) and things were going great until I seized. I remember nothing of the c-section (and most of the rest of that day). I just remember waking up in the ICU feeling drugged and putting my hands on my no-longer-pregnant belly.

For months I went over and over it in my head. There wasn't a quiet moment in my house when I was alone with the boys that I didn't replay the whole thing. Mostly wondering what it all looked like, trying desperately to come up with even a flicker of a memory or seeing the boys at their birth. My husband told me I was awake and looking around, I even squeezed his hand when he told me Aidan was out... but I was not present mentally. And it still freaks me out a little. And even now, when friends are reminiscing about wonderful and all natural childbirth experiences, I just want to scream and cry that not everyone gets to have that. Not that I'm not thankful and grateful to God that we have the technology and medical advancements to have life-saving c-sections... I just wanted so badly for my first experience to be different. Being able (and having an OB that will allow) to have twins vaginally is a huge deal. And I was so close. You will heal with time. Just keep coming back here and reading other people's stories and asking these wonderful women your questions. There is a lot of support to be had here.
Try to focus on the positive as much as possible, but know that is perfectly normal to grieve your unplanned and not-so-perfect birth experience.

[jenmatt1]

I had similar experience. Felt fine except I felt like I had a cold or was maybe getting the flu. I had no real swelling, my bp had not been high before that and I had no URQ pain, which is common with HELLP. Went into my dr for appt and told them I just didn't feel good & as soon as they took my BP they had me go across street to hospital. I delivered by emergency c-section about 6 hours later. I could not get epidural because of platelets so I was out for the whole surgery. We were in middle of moving to another state and my husband was flying back as I was delivering the baby. He arrived about 10 minutes after she was born. So he is of no help in me trying to remember anything. Looking at my birth records did help a bit as far as validating how sick everyone told me I was, but it didn't really give me the answers I was looking for.

Funny thing is that I am 24 weeks pregnant now with a little boy and will have a c-section- this time hopefully with an epidural and my husband present - but I am actually nervous about it. I wonder what if I become emergency situation again but I've had epidural so I am awake the whole time. Will I panic? Will that be more traumatic for me and the baby? I don't think the questions ever end

[gterrytx]

Thanks ladies. I'm relieved to know I'm not alone in this.

[rgrwife]

I just read your post from my topic, but I'll just reply here. You are not alone! And it IS getting better for me. I still replay the birth in my head often, but not every day. And I'm not obsessively looking up information. I had to force myself to take a break. But I still feel like I don't have closure. I'm thinking of getting a copy of my medical records, but I'm not sure if that will help. All the women in my life have had "normal" pregnancies, so it really helps to hear from women like you, who feel exactly the way that I do. I think I would go crazy without this forum!

[jmom08]

Yes. I did, and occasionally still do to some extent. I know what you mean about a "do over" wish, I actually started planning my second pregnancy in the first few days after DS#1 was born, I was so upset/eager to get things "right" (different hospital where the good MFM could see me if I went into antepartum again, etc). It was upsetting to hear about friends' textbook births and to deal with ignorant & well-meaning comments from family & friends either assuming everything had been fabulous or expecting me to get over what happened. Like others said, it helped me to come here and connect with other moms who had been through similar & much worse experiences, and to attend one of the Preeclampsia Foundation walks with my older son (it really meant a lot to me that we both had "survivor" buttons!). I didn't start to get peace about the difference from my expectations until I had a new framework in my head -- it didn't work when I was comparing my birth experience with stories from moms who didn't have PE / pregnancy complications. I'm sorry you are going through the same thing. Hugs to you.

[gterrytx]

Thanks ladies,
What also makes this hard is that my son is our last baby; we've always wanted two children. I don't want another child, but I want a "do over." I want to labor again. Despite the preeclampsia, I enjoyed delivering our son. I didn't start to panic about everything until afterward--and then it was all a blur. Both of our babies ended up in the NICU, so the "normal" textbook birth and postpartum period isn't something we've experienced. Yet, as you all mention, the support from this site has been helpful. Getting a new "framework" is helping as I continue to work to remember the events of June 23-24. It's also hard because my family doesn't understand why I'm not "over it." After all, I'm healthy and my son is healthy. I'm just not "over it" yet.
Hugs to all of you too! I'm very thankful to have found the Preeclampsia Foundation...

[jmom08]

More hugs!! I didn't mean to suggest my own thoughts helped me at all, just that your wording really struck a chord with me. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I think there are other moms here in similar shoes, I hope they have better advice than me.
Are you in TX too? There is a DFW walk, and I think there might be a Houston walk next year. When I went with my husband and son 2 years ago, it was a special experience.

[jenprzygoda]

I can relate to that nagging "can't get past this" feeling. My family is very supportive, but they still don't understand why I can't just get over it. I don't think that others who have not had the experience can understand that it has nothing to do with your strength as a person. We are strong women because we know where to come for help, support and compassion. If "getting over it" had anything to do with strength, we would have all been "way past it" long ago! Yes, I am thankful that my son and I are both healthy now, but that doesn't make it all go away. I also understand the desire for a "do over" as we always wanted two and now I am scared to risk a second. And to be perfectly honest, I don't even know if I want another child. I just want to have that experience that everyone else got to have. I feel cheated. Take care of yourself!