it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Are you considering having another child after preeclampsia? Trying again after preeclampsia can be an emotional challenge. You can find support with others who share your concerns here.
rsgeller
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby rsgeller » Fri Oct 19, 2007 12:47 am

There is hope out there...just remember that and soon you will believe that. Have you ever been tested for blood clot issues? If not, has your OB discussed this with you? For me, it helped to know I was doing something. Even though I was not diagnosed with any disorders (but borderline APS), it helped to have those little things to look forward to. To know I was meeting with the MFM, to know I was goint to find out the results, and then to discuss with the doctor my plan of attack for the next little one. It may not help everyone, but it helped me. My prayers are with you.

suleaf
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby suleaf » Tue Oct 16, 2007 09:38 pm

your words bring me to tears.... i know the emptiness you mean so well. and congrats to all of you who are expecting- that brings me hope, hearing that it did happen and so quickly. i know there is no guarantee for me but it is nice to hear the positive things...

you know the worst part? i never thought i wanted children, til i fell so head over heels in love with my little mira. and now... i want nothing else but a child, a chance at a family, the fulfillment of the dream that began with her. i loved her and i want to love again like that- her sibling will be even more precious to me. nothing replaces her. i think i will be sad over mira for a long time... even if i get pregnant again, i know i will always mourn her on 9/11 and remember 1/7/07 as what should have been her birthdate... but it's more than losing her, it's realizing how important motherhood is to me.

waiting those cycles out seem killer. i've been told after 8 weeks if my cycle does not kick in, then to go back to the dr. but i kind of want it to come back on its own.

it just helps to know i am not crazy. that the fear is ok... that you get past it..... that you can still fight for waht you want even if you are afraid

onesock
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby onesock » Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:15 am

Thinking of you today. :)

rsgeller
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby rsgeller » Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:53 am

I am going through the fear right now. Like Fiona, I only waited two cycles....and it seemed to take forever. I was blessed to get pregnant so quickly with Israel's little brother or sister. I'm now approaching 9 weeks and time is passing very slowly. I never got over the fear of losing the next baby. I can't imagine ever being able to. When the desire is greater than the fear, that's when you'll know that you're ready. My empty arms hurt too much. I had to fill them. And I pray everyday for a healthy little one in May. And I'll pray for you.

sreeve
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby sreeve » Tue Oct 16, 2007 03:27 am

The waiting is agonizing. I got through four months before trying again. I was lucky enough to conceive right away and then have a picture perfect pregnancy (until my water broke 6 weeks early, but that's another story). Please know that you aren't alone. There are too many of us who have lost a child to this horrible disease. But we keep going on. As Julie said, it's not bravery, it's just what we have to do. I was anxious the entire 34 weeks of my second pregnancy, but now I have a beautiful daughter. My Eliza could never be replaced, just like you could never replace Mira. I'm thinking of you, and sending good thoughts your way.

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julie f
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby julie f » Mon Oct 15, 2007 11:25 pm

I too remember waiting, and waiting it seemed to be able to try again.

I knew immediately that I wanted to try again, that I wanted nothing more than to have another child, as quickly as possible. To wait the six months my doctors asked seemed like an eternity. To others around us though, I know they thought it too short. Just like you, I wasn't interested in replacing Zach, he will always be my first. But I was so ready for the family that I never knew I so deperately wanted and needed.

Getting past the fear - I don't think that I was ever able to get past it, I just went along with it. I can't describe my need to be pregnant again, to be a mother to a child I could hold in my arms. There was no bravery on my part, just a very empty heart.

I wish you much love and much peace, I wish that I could make this time easier.


alaskamommy
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby alaskamommy » Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:49 pm

Sue,

Any baby would be incredibly blessed to have a mommy with so much love to give.

And I think you are very brave. Remember, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."

God bless you; you remain in my prayers.

onesock
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby onesock » Mon Oct 15, 2007 09:34 pm

Sending you a HUGE hug! I just figure I need to put it in God's hands...the fear, I don't think that it ever goes away, you just learn to deal or cope with it, in your own way and make it a part of your life. I hope that many babies are waiting for you to be their mommy. Thinking for you and you are in my prayers...sorry that this is so hard :(

fiona
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Re : it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby fiona » Mon Oct 15, 2007 08:59 pm

I remember waiting for those cycles to pass - I only made it to two: the need, the desire, the absolute obsession with trying again overwhelmed everything. Everything except the pain, the grief, the fear...

There are no answers to your questions - we get through it because we are compelled to. I can't rationalise, analyse or even really remember what went through my head except a feeling that I had fallen out of the 'normal' loop and I wanted so badly to climb right back on. And get back on despite being offered no guarantees, no promises. In fact, despite being told that probably, it would happen again, except maybe I'd catch a break and get a few more weeks.

The want and the need drives us - we are at our most elemental when we have buried a baby and it takes time for that to work itself through our system.

Much love and positive thoughts coming your way as you step back out into the unknown. Take care.

suleaf
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it's only been five weeks but I think about it..

Postby suleaf » Mon Oct 15, 2007 08:37 pm

I know I want to try again.

Everything is being put into motion. They sent me to a fetal loss evaluation clinic- that was kind of crazy. I had to do all kinds of paperwork and they are asking me to do a full panel of bloodwork and a sonohystogram. Those things are hard- they make me cry, but I know it's for the future. It will probably be a good month before I get a chance to talk to them and find out the risks but.... it's going to happen.

I am waiting for my first AF. I have NEVER in my life wanted my AF to show up more than right now. Sometimes I cry at night after DH goes to sleep- thinking of what I lost, of what I am afraid will never happen, of how my body feels so abnormal right now... I know that once my AF arrives it will be a sign of returning to normal. Right now I feel so wacky and mostly I feel stuck- in this inbetween world, no period, no progression, no leaving anything behind...

They said wait three cycles. Time feels like it is dragging. But I am DETERMINED to wait... even longer if need be. I am ok with all that.

Here's the thing: the never ending fear. I want a child. It took YEARS to conceive Mira. What if that was it? What if my memories of the maternity ward will be PE and losing Mira? What if the PE happens again? What if I have a placenta that fails- again?

I know it takes time to get to a place where I am better. I have been told so many things- you jsut want to replace Mira. No, I want a child- Mira is gone, I know that, and I will miss her always. But it's about having a child. I know my future child- if it even happens- deserves a healthy and happier mother... a mother with hope not despair.

But I guess this is what I am asking: how do you get past the fear? How do you deal with the slow passing of time before A) You get an AF B) You feel better C) You stop feeling so scared.....

So many of you seem so brave to me right now. In my darkest hour, I know this: maybe I am not meant to have children. Maybe this was it for me. But mostly I know... it just takes such an act of bravery to get past this and try again.... how did you know it was time?


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