number of pregnancy

[kdreher]

I am not near pregnant yet because I have to have my tubal ligation reversed, but when that glorious day comes and I am expecting, I wonder how I will handle things when someone asks "is this your first". Of course I know it is not, but my little guy is in heaven. Is this sort of like the "do you have any children" question. Depends on whose asking! So much emotion is attached with all of this. I want to proudly say "no, this is my second" and "my son is in heaven".
Any thoughts?

Kris (34)
DH, Tom (33)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks pe/HELLP)


tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil

[julie f]

Kris,

I've thought a lot about this one also...

The first time after I lost Zach and someone asked if we had any kids, I said yes, they asked how old, I lost and went right into meltdown mode... Since then, when strangers have asked me if I have any kids, I've always said no - not wanting to get into the whole thing with a stranger and not up to peoples uncomfortable responses...

Not too many people know I'm pg right now so, I haven't had to deal with it yet but, I know it won't be long. What I've decided though is to say this is my second and if they inquire further, to say that my first is in heaven, that he passed away five days after birth. I'm sure I will still get many uncomfortable responses but, I feel like I have the strength to deal with it now. And, if they don't really want to know, then they shouldn't ask anyway...

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 9, 2005!!!!

Southern California Coordinator

[angelkat]

I alway say I have two boys here on earth one daughter in heaven and another little boy in my belly.... It works for me because most of the time they get a crazy look on their face so I usually do not have to go into detail.

When people ask my Mom how many grandchild she has she names them all and even has pictures of Katlyne in her living room. Of course, if any one ask her about Katlyne she just melts but she said it helps her.....


Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

[tracey]

Kris
I too, have thought a lot about this one...
Fortunately, I have only been asked once if I have any children...by a dental hygienist who was subbing in for my regular one at my last cleaning. A very painful scene...me in the chair, with the stupid bib around my neck, and all the instruments in my mouth, eyes brimming over...and yet I HAD to tell the truth. Maybe because it was the first time I had been asked I felt I had to at least try to get through it. Who knows what I will do next time: I think the "Depends whose asking" approach will apply.
In gearing up for TTC #2, I am even more scared of being asked that very question. Geez, it kinda puts the lump in your throat just thinking about it, doesn't it?
Funny, though, how the experience has made me rethink ever asking the same question of someone else!

Tracey
mother to angel Ila Elizabeth (February 6, 2004)

[jenndola]

I always go with no, because I live in Utah, and every third person asks me if I have children, because I'm married and 28 years old. It's always asked right after "How long have you been married?" (7 years.) Then the person kind of looks at me funny, and says something along the lines of "Have you thought about having children?"

Sometimes I really hate where we live, because it's unfathomable to me that complete strangers would think this was any of their business. I consider my ovaries and uterus rather personal, but maybe that's just me.

Of course, most people assume I have problems with infertility since I have no children as of yet, and I don't correct them, because it's just too much trouble to try to correct them. That's really how I feel about talking to most people about these things--it's just too much trouble, because I'll just cry, and it's 3 years after the fact, and I'm so tired of the crying.

I think the worst is when my mom tells people I've lost 2 pregnancies, because she doesn't count the 3rd--after all, it was only at 6 weeks, so I wasn't "really" pregnant. She also didn't include my stillborn daughter, Maggie, in my grandfather's obituary, which she wrote. I might not have taken that so hard, but she DID mention my aunt's stillborn son and her own son who died at 10 days old, so that was difficult.

My brother has a 10-month old son, the first live grandchild for my parents, and every time I hear someone ask them if he's their first grandchild, and they answer "yes," I just want to scream, "NO! He's your first LIVE grandchild, but he's not your first grandchild!"

Gack. Now I'm crying and feeling sorry for myself. Crap. Anyway, my advice, just become a hermit. Avoid all unneccesary human contact. It's easier.[:D]

Jenn
HELLP Syndrome 19.5 wks
2 m/c (14 wks & 6 wks)
Antiphospholipid Syndrome

Hmmmm...in re-reading this, I'm thinking apparently I need to be posting on the "grief and loss" board...*laughing at myself, because it's easier than the stupid crying*

[angelkat]

Jenn,

Post where ever you would like! Crying is my best friend. It always tends to make me feel better when I am having a low day. Just know that your babies are always with you no matter how you answer the question!!...

I have the same problem with my DH parents where they still think that they only have one granddaughter and the fact of the matter is they have TWO. I always make sure I bring it up when that conversation starts but the fact of the matter is alot of grandparents are griving but in different ways. My Mom (bless her heart) has pictures of Katlyne all around her house. The best one is my two boys holding their sister and she has it right on her coffee which makes me feel so good inside that atleast my Mom will always remember Kat and the impact she has made in all of our lives...

Sending you a HUGE HUG...



Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

[for faith]

Kris ~ This is so hard to deal with. When strangers ask me, I just say I have a son. It is still too hard for me to deal with telling people that don't know about my daughter. I know I would break down. I know that she knows I think of her every minute of every day. If you are strong enough, that would be wonderful to tell. I think it also educates people too. All the best to you in your TTC and in dealing with this.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

[5thtymachrm]

No one but me has ever considered my 4 m/c's. I think of who they might've been and how they would've looked. I never even told my parents, except after the first loss because it was so extremely painful and had so many problems with it. I had two sisters who each had 5 & 6 children with some issues but no real issues with pg as far as I knew back then(now i know one of them has blood clotting issues).

don't know where this is going but just wanted to offer my empathy and support. We all care here and would never ask or say the dumb things that people say when they don't understand.

Elizabeth

Indigo E. 11/20/03:37wks, PIH

[susan belisle]

Kris-

I love this topic and I love this question. How Many Kids Do You Have? After I lost my Angel I dreaded someone coming up to me an asking. But it is just one of those "Pat" Question. Like when you work in the office, and you cross a co-worker in the hall "How are you doing?" Do you really give a crap how there doing? No but you ask anyhow. Same thing with "Is this your first" "Do you have any other children" Bla Bla Bla. And I to am guitly of asking it to and I want to kick myself everytime those words fly out of my mouth.

So you have to come up with a "Pat" answer so that the same thing will fly out of your mouth everytime. It's a conversation starter. So answer the question how you want to direct the conversation.

My answer is always...We lost our first.
Reactions vary. Some folks are sorry or embarassed that they asked and feel like they did something insensative. And part of me is glad that they feel that way[}:)]. Well you asked[}:)]

But sometimes you get folks that say "I lost mine too" and there is an instant connection. Or they say "I know someone close to me who lost thiers". And you start to realize how not alone you are in this baby making game. Not to mention you have given yourself a golden oppurtunity to mention your son and remember his life.[:D]

My neighbor is 60 somthing years old. She has 8 kids 9 really she lost one a long time ago. She told me this the first time we meet. Never deny your right to be Tyler's Mommy.

Susan
Interuption 06/23/01 @20 wks
Carly 04/24/02 30 wks 3lbs 6 oz
ttc again with pg induced hypertention

[kdreher]

Thanks so much for sharing with me. I think when the time comes I will know how to handle it. Nine years later it is still hard when the question comes up.

Kris (34)
DH, Tom (33)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks pe/HELLP)


tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil