Detrimental to myself

[jean]

We've been trying for about 5 mos, and have had no luck at all. We've been trying so hard to do the sperm meets egg plan, but fail w/it every time. I've tried so many different strategies, I'm getting sooo frustrated. (And I haven't been pressuring him! But this month it was just too much for me...) I'm starting to think my hubby just cannot perform 2 days in a row. So I don't know how we "should be" trying. And when he does perform often, he says that he doesn't "produce much". :~(
So with trying this last month, we were all ready to go, but then things failed on his end, and I just absolutely broke down. Feeling devastated. I think my upset was detrimental to myself, because I don't believe that I ovulated this month because of it.

I know that the pressure causes problems, and then on top of it, the sex so often seems to be hard for him. I just don't know what to do. If we had sex less, when would we have it? Also, how long do you wait before talking to a doctor about it all? And what kind of a doctor does a guy go to for stuff like that?
What kind of tests do they do to look for fertility issues, and what is the cost of such tests?

We've eaten up a third of our "2 year window" and I am scared to death already. I am tempted to say we should close up shop after those 2 yrs are up because I got HELLP so badly and I think I had perm. damage to my spleen...so I don't want to try if there's no hope of doing any better at all.

I am just so completely devastated.

[alexa5]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I do know for a fact that all of the stress and trying too hard will not work for many reasons--though it is hard not to feel discouraged and to want to do everything you can.

5 mos really isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things...many people take up to a year. A lot has to happen for the right mix to come together to make a baby...so it isn't always easy.

I know it is easy to say but not easy to do...I really think you need to take a break, let it go for a while, find love again that doesn't involve "trying to have a baby", but love just for the sake of love and enjoyment. I am sure your husband would have no issues if he didn't feel the pressure to perform, and you would be less stressed as well.

I will be honest...that is why I am not a big fan of ovulation kits and all of that stuff....it just seems to make it too scientific for me. I am more in the camp of trying generally to time it right based on my general cycle, but other than that letting nature take its course. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but it works for a lot of people. Quite honestly you do not have to have sex a lot of times to TTC....one to two times during the right time each month can often be enough.

Anyway...I hope things get better for you and you are able to find some sort of peace.

[teresatolman]

I don't claim to be an expet in this area since it is all relatively new to me as well. I do know however that we were able to get sperm analysis as well as some other blood labs for me and also a test of my ovaries and tubes done ordered just through my regular OB/GYN. Then once we had all of these answers we were able to go see the reproductive endocrinologist (RE). Of course the RE is able to order these things just as easily but it just makes more sense to start at the beginning and do some of the leg work before getting in with a specialist because they are so expensive and it was nice to already have some clinical evidence to go from when we were first able to meet with him instead of having to start from the ground up.

I know how heartbreaking and trying this can be. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. One way or another your rainbow baby will get to you, don't give up!
Sending love and hugs,
Teresa

[jean]

teresatolman-how expensive was it to have all of that done? How long do you "try" before resorting to testing like that?

Alexa5-I know....the ovulation kits etc can make ppl stressed out...the thing is, I'm the one doing all of that...my hubby isn't even looking at it. And he's the one that's having the issues. I'm just feeling so frustrated because I'm doing everything that I can, and yet he isn't able to perform...

Maybe we should stop "trying" and just have sex sometimes and hope that it works..but I just don't know the "right days" exactly to have sex..if we stopped trying the sperm meets egg plan, what days would be best to continue having sex? *sigh*

[kerisue]

If you're using the OPKs then I believe the right time to have one-time sex is the day after the stick detects your LH surge. Has anyone suggested IUI to you? From what I understand it's not too expensive (compared to IVF). It could improve your chances a bit and could even reduce the performance anxiety aspect for your hubby.
Good luck Jean.

[jean]

I haven't talked to anyone about IUI...I wonder how expensive it is to have done. Would a person's regular OB do that?

Thanks for the info!

It looks like the success rate of IUI is pretty low...but I guess it would be an option if nothing else works... :/

[alexa5]

I guess I was mainly saying that trying too hard or getting too stressed makes it difficult to work. I just really think that taking a step back for a while can be helpful....even if you think you are not pressuring him, I am sure he feels your urgency to have a baby and that alone can feel like pressure. I do understand this is important to you, though, so I know it is hard.

As for a good time...for me personally it is a little before the middle of my cycle...I typically have a 26-28 day cycle, so days 10-12 are the days I went for when I was TTC. I think it was day 10 that I conceived my son. I don't use kits, but I am pretty sure by other signs that I ovulate around day 12 or 13. So, the kits can come in handy for that, and I don't have anything against them...I was just saying that sometimes trying too hard makes things really difficult in that it makes it stressful and emotional at times.

Good luck.... I really hope you find the right answers for you.

[danielsmom]

My reg OB does it, but he also deals in high risk and they do everything. I don't have experience with this, but I think they recommend Clomid before this step, maybe even in conjunction with it. Have you tried that? I think a sit down consult with your OB would be beneficial. They may have tricks in the bag that you haven't thought about.

On the emotional stuff... yeah, I'd take a break. Let your husband know that you desire him for him, not just to make a baby. Guys are more fragile than we think sometimes. This can get so stressful and when pressure mounts, we all just kind of shut down. I'd really encourage you to either take a break, and/or enlist some help from your doctor.

[jean]

Yeah, I think you're probably both right. This is all just so frustrating. :~(

[sam10]

TTC can be very stressful, especially if it feels there is an urgency to have it happen soon. Before I conceived the first time, it took almost three years of trying and I understand how frustrating, depressing, and confusing it all can be. It can also put a strain on the relationship. Back then I talked to my doctors about as to when to start seeing fertilty specialists, and I was told that after one year of timed intercourse and I am still not pregnant, then I should start having all the tests done (ovarian challenge test, sperm analysis, blockage of tubes, blood tests, the whole work-up). Now it depends on your age, if you are over 35 and closer to forty, the time trying on your own might be shorter. Costs vary by clinic/fertility center. Also, it depends on your insurance, as some of the tests procedures might be covered.

For me it was important to reduce the amount of "planned" intercourse, as it put a lot of stress on me (more so than on my husband). I really learned my cycle (when I ovulate and when not), so I did all of what is described in the book "Taking charge of your fertility" (charting, cm, etc.),plus OPKs. My OB also said to have intercourse on the day I got a positive on my OPK and the day after would be enough. Not more. This helped to lower the stress too for me. The OPK's then also worked in sync with my temp patterns, so I started to know when the right time was.

You might be doing all of this already, but as has been suggested, you might want to take a break from it for a while. Breaks from TTC helped me too and perhaps it might make it easier for your husband as well. (and I would try not stress so much about the two year PE window).