HELLP/Preclampsia and guilt

[mymiracles2]

Hello, I have posted previously, but it was a while back. . I had HELLP with my first daughter 24 weeks, just under a pound. She suffered a grade 2 and 4 brain hemorrhage, but the fighter that she is she has beaten all odds. She has mild CP, hempalygia, but it doesn't affect daily activities. I had several early symptoms, blowing blood out of my nose, bruising and 80 pound weight gain, my OB at the time told me I was just "pregnant." 12 hours later, emergency c-section...I was in the hospital for 10 days, had 2 blood transfusions, but suffered no lasting effects. Second time around, they found protein in my urine around 30 weeks and went to the hospital at 31 weeks feeling headaches, similar as the first time. I was admitted to the hospital and 2 days later emergency c-section again my 2nd daughter was born. This time I didn't recover well after, kept getting worse, had ttp or ptt, can't remember the name exactly, had plasma transfusions daily through a central line in my neck. Things got better and then after they removed the central line, I developed a blood clot...luck eh? I was on warfin until the clot broke down. Aside from that, no complications. We really want to have another child, but are very apprehensive. I know that not having long term effects is positive, etc, but at the time of discharges the doctors told me not to have any more children. I was also tested for underlying conditions and have none. There is no rhyme or reason. What i went through was scary, but our children are 4 and 6 and we feel ready to try again. I feel paralyzed by fear and guilt at times though. the what if's are crazy! I feel selfish at times, for wanting another child - and then anger that I feel guilty. I know the judgment will be crazy, and feel saddened by it. Really I am looking for that safe place to talk.

[lornarose]

What you are feeling is just so normal. As a PE sufferer the decision to have children is never easy as there are so many more risks. However, I feel us PE women are cheated out of a choice as to how many children we would really like. I think all women have a number they would like and it's just a completely natural instinct. I often question why I would put myself at risk for another baby. Sometimes things aren't simple or rational. I just want another baby, it's just a desire like any other woman. And then I get really frightened. This horrible PE thing consumes my thoughts. I know what you are going through. I feel those emotions all the time. Don't feel guilt. You have the right to have the desire for another child. It is also important to keep yourself safe and healthy. there are no certainties with this disease. i wish you luck with your dilema. you will come to the right decision for you. i know this.