Hello, I have posted previously, but it was a while back. . I had HELLP with my first daughter 24 weeks, just under a pound. She suffered a grade 2 and 4 brain hemorrhage, but the fighter that she is she has beaten all odds. She has mild CP, hempalygia, but it doesn't affect daily activities. I had several early symptoms, blowing blood out of my nose, bruising and 80 pound weight gain, my OB at the time told me I was just "pregnant." 12 hours later, emergency c-section...I was in the hospital for 10 days, had 2 blood transfusions, but suffered no lasting effects. Second time around, they found protein in my urine around 30 weeks and went to the hospital at 31 weeks feeling headaches, similar as the first time. I was admitted to the hospital and 2 days later emergency c-section again my 2nd daughter was born. This time I didn't recover well after, kept getting worse, had ttp or ptt, can't remember the name exactly, had plasma transfusions daily through a central line in my neck. Things got better and then after they removed the central line, I developed a blood clot...luck eh? I was on warfin until the clot broke down. Aside from that, no complications. We really want to have another child, but are very apprehensive. I know that not having long term effects is positive, etc, but at the time of discharges the doctors told me not to have any more children. I was also tested for underlying conditions and have none. There is no rhyme or reason. What i went through was scary, but our children are 4 and 6 and we feel ready to try again. I feel paralyzed by fear and guilt at times though. the what if's are crazy! I feel selfish at times, for wanting another child - and then anger that I feel guilty. I know the judgment will be crazy, and feel saddened by it. Really I am looking for that safe place to talk.