Conundrum. Advice appreciated :)

[caryn]

Let me start by saying we are not trying to conceive yet. Some days I want to badly to be pregnant that I try to talk dh into bd'ing without protection and other days I hurt and cry so much that I don't ever want to try again. Needless to say, we are not ready yet.

Here's my dilemma: I relocated from Hawaii to California 5 years ago. After our lease was up last August dh and I moved back in with his parents to save money for a few months before we moved back to Hawaii. We decided to ttc while we were still in Cali and I got pregnant in October. The plan was to have Gracie in California and make the move back to Hawaii late this year.

As you can tell by my signature, our plans have changed. We want to make our final move back to Hawaii sooner than later. However, after reading this forum, I have some hesitations. First, I did some research and there is only one NICU in the state available to civilians (luckily it is on the same island we will be moving to). I've read that they see 850 babies a year. I also wanted to schedule a consult with a peri while we are here visiting family, but I cannot see one without an OB referral. The hospital with the NICU has a large team of pediatric specialists and the peris (which includes the chair of the OBGYN residency program) work alongside of the ******.

I am torn between staying in California so that I may continue to see the same peri who I saw during my pregnancy with Gracie. Part of me feels like the familiarity will be easier and that since he knows my history, he will be better able to treat my specific case. HOWEVER, my husband and I are very unhappy living with his parents. My MIL asked him two days after Gracie died when he was going back to work. We feel like we were not allowed to mourn her death there because she was so unfeeling and cold. It seemed like Gracie didn't matter at all to her. She was so nosy during the entire pregnancy and when I got put on bedrest she would ask my husband after every appointment if I was going back to work. I also felt like I had to continue doing some housework because when she came home from work, she'd complain about things not being done. Also, a few weeks ago she asked dh if we were still planning to move to Hawaii and when! We drained our savings paying for my hospital stays and it would not be financially feasible for us to live on our own during another pregnancy, especially if I get pulled out of work and put on bedrest as early as I did this pregnancy.

My parents have been much more supportive during this time. We are here in Hawaii now and we just feel so much more at ease and comfortable and able to mourn. My dad has told both dh and me that I shouldn't work during my next pregnancy, which I think would be great. I feel like it would be less stressful here, which I'm sure could help things. I am just so concerned about my doctor situation. I am sure that I could meet with a peri before ttc #2 once my OB found out my history, but what if they are too busy to give me the care I will need/want? I'm also worried about the NICU. What if for some reason, it is full when the baby is born? Then what? I want to ttc before the "two-year window" and I'm so worried that I won't make it.

There are so many fears I am trying to sort out. I know I should be spending this time recovering from losing Gracie, but I feel like I am on a deadline. Thoughts?

Also, has anyone chosen to work with a different peri/mfm in a subsequent pregnancy following a loss? What were your results? Do you regret your decision? Help!

[angieb]

I didn't see an mfm in my first pregnancy, by the time they figured out what was going on, it was too late.

My advice is to see the MFM in Hawaii and see how you feel about them, hopefully you'll like them and be comfortable with the plan, I wouldn't worry too much about the NICU being full, I'm sure they have some kind of plan or solution for that. I'd avoid going back with the in laws, that sounds like added stress you do not need!

[flori]

Thanks for replying, Angie. I read your blog and your story gives me so much hope for the future. Rainbow baby is beautiful as is the puppy I saw.

I wish I could have seen one of the MFMs while we are here, I think it would have put my mind at ease instead of just waiting until we TTC. Husband is definitely leaning towards coming out here and honestly, so am I. I'm just so nervous about this huge leap of faith.

The only underlying condition I have is chronic hbp, but I'm hoping that won't be a factor in treating me. I'm also nervous about me having PCOS. What if they're like, "Look lady, with all your issues, you shouldn't be having kids". I know, I know, I'm being silly, but I keep playing these crazy scenarios out in my head. Like what if an RE won't prescribe Clomid again if I need it to ovulate and so on.

I just read a story online about a woman who had preeclampsia and delivered her baby at 25+6 at the hospital and 5 years later, she's great. Maybe I'm nervous about being in the middle of an ocean if something were to happen, even though there are perfectly capable professionals here.

It's 220am Hawaii time and I'm researching and reading everything I can find!

[kerisue]

Since you will have access to a peri in Hawaii and a NICU (they will NOT be turning down your baby, even if they're full) it seems like that's the better choice for you because you will be in a much more supportive, much less stressful environment. Don't discount the value in that. I dont' think you want to go through a high risk pregnancy with that MIL. Not to mention the grieving you still need to do about Gracie, which it sounds like your MIL isn't helping either.
As for the MFM dilemma, I'm in a similar one myself- I have one who knows all about me and my last pregnancy (was there on the fateful day of millie's birth) but he won't work with another MFM out of state that I love, so I have to decide whether to ditch him and go with someone new who will work with the other doc, or to stay with the one who knows me and my hx. It's tough! In your case, though, I'd probably go with the new doc in Hawaii- you seem like the type who will be able to communicate well and advocate for yourself when needed. good luck and let us know what you decide.

[lornarose]

Dear Flori,
I think it is important to be around people who love and support you. Your m in law sounds very harsh. If it were me, I would go home to be near my family. The stressful environment would be awful in a subsequent pregnancy. I am a great believer in gut instinct. If you go with your gut and heart, you will arrive at the right place for you. You are still only a pup, 30 is very young. Thankyou for replying to my post re PE and fear. It is useful to gain perspective from others and also very helpful. I wish you well on your ttc journey. Love and Strength.xx

[flori]

Kerisue and Lornarose, thank you both for responding. Kerisue, I remember the thread you posted about your MFM dilemma- are you still weighing options? Loranarose, you are very welcome for the response. I lol'd at you calling me a pup. I feel like time is slipping by so quickly.

I absolutely agree that living with husband's parents would be incredibly stressful during another pregnancy. We are pretty much set on returning to Hawaii in a few months. I also found out some good news that I wanted to share.

I originally thought that there were only two NICUs in the state (one at a military hospital and one for civilians), but after doing more research, I've found out that there is another available to civilians. It's also with the same insurance I have in Southern Cali, so my records could be transferred and my previous MFM and new MFM could keep in contact. It was almost 4am when I found that out and I ran and woke up my husband to tell him the good news. This also means that I can transfer jobs and keep the same insurance, which reduces the added stress of looking for a job with medical benefits.

A small rainbow is appearing through the storm clouds. Hopefully it doesn't disappear.