Feeling Guilty for Wanting to Try Again

[erinn]

I understand how you feel, because this is pretty much how I feel as well. I had my daughter at 34 weeks due to chronic hypertension (undiagnosed) superimposed with pre-eclampsia. She was an IUGR baby as well. For my daughter things turned out well regardless, despite her early arrival she was born healthy and has caught up weight wise, and developmentally she is right on target. For me though I have been through the emotional wringer suffering with PND and PTSD. I've seen a counsellor which helped immensely but I am still not at the stage of feeling like I could have another child and for me I dont know if I ever will be.

My daughter is 2 now, my husband is super keen for another child and while I would also love to have another child I am not sure whether I will/can. The dr's have given me based on my background a 66% chance of developing pre-eclampsia again with a 10% chance of having an even more premmie baby or even more severe pre-eclampsia than I had this time around. This birth took a massive toll on my marriage, my relationship with my daughter (due to the PND), my friendships and my mental health. I'm coming out of the other side of that now but constantly wonder if I am prepared to risk going through it all again or whether to just accept the fact that it may be better to be grateful for the one healthy child I do have and be done with having children. I have been coming around to having another until recently my daughter ended up in hospital (she is fine, and not related to the PE) but it left me having a weeks worth of panic attacks which has bought me back to the feeling that I am definately not ready to have another and to be honest I am not sure if I ever will.

I know this wont help you to make your decision but just wanted to share that you are not alone in these feelings. I hope you can find peace with whatever decide xxx

[amallison]

I ask myself some of the same questions everyday.

Will having another child kill me?

Will I have to be in the hospital for a long time away from my son who brings me pure joy and love everyday?

Am I willing to risk the great thing I have for what I could have?

But, the urge to have another is still there. I'm 38 so I have to make my decision soon and I'm terrified.

I had low amniotic fluid starting in my third trimester so I was thankfully being monitored. My son was born at 33 weeks 5 days. I had a bad case of HELLP. They had to put me under general anesthesia to deliver my son because my platelets were so low. He was 3lbs 13 ozs. I spent 3 days in the ICU after delivery and I kept telling the nurses that I didn't feel good. I did not understand what was happening to me. It was, and still is, very confusing.

I was so ashamed of myself. I felt and still feel like if I had lost weight before I got pregnant had a healthier diet had children younger that none of this would happen and my son wouldn't have had to be born early.

This is a scary disease to deal with. We have all experienced what it means to have "complicated" pregnancies and those who have not experienced it cannot understand at the same level the anxiety and fear we who have dealt with pre-e and hellp have when deciding what to do in the case of further pregnancies.

I'm so glad we have this forum so that we can talk about our feelings with the experienced.