A sad day that will live in my heart forever

[jenn]

Today I went for an ultrasound that was to help us determine a due date for a baby that greatly surprized us. Im sad to say I will never know that date for sure. The baby failed to grow from 6 wks and had no heartbeat.

I have never been so sad in my life as I feel today. Ive lost a child that I never saw, touched, or even know if it was a girl or boy.
(But we swore it was a boy) His name would have been Blaze. Its not easy to grieve, When I think of a death I think funeral and there wont be one. No grave to visit and be with my baby. This is going to be so hard.

I know things happen for a reason and thats whats helping a little. I couldn't have handled the baby being born and than not being able to stay. I saw it happen in the NICU with Jaidyn my 1st and now only. My heart is with those parents. And for all that have ever suffered such a loss. The heartbreak is unbearable.

Since such a thing has never happened to be before or anyone close to me...Im not sure how others have handled this. Not even sure where to start in my healing process since the baby is still in a way with me. any advice shared will be great. Thanks in advance.
Thanks so much for listening.
Much luv Jennie

Jennie
Jaidyn 30 wk
2lb. 12oz. 14 3/4 in.
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jrk/

[annegarrett]

Oh Jennie,

I am so sorry. Having just lost my mom--I know too well that there is nothing that anyone can say or do that will take away the unbearable hurt you must feel right now. I have found it helps that people just try. That means a great deal. There are so many women here who have had similar losses--too many--that I am sure you will get valuable support from them but let me suggest one thing that our pastor recommended for our children who felt unable to share things with my mother during her end days. He recommended we have them write a letter to her and share all the things they wanted to say but had not had the opportunity or the inner strength to do. It is a lot for a child. I would suggest you do something similar--write your baby a letter--name the baby--maybe, since you don't know the sex--choose a name that could be for either sex--like Dana or Brook or Blaze--and then write your baby a letter about all the things that you would have done together and won't do now--about his or her relationship with each of you, his older sibling, and just pour your hurt out into this letter and then I would see if the hospital will let you have the remains to either bury or cremate. Some do. You can bury the letter with the baby or keep it for your older child for later. There will be times when you will want to remember those hopes and dreams and you will appreciate them.

This is just a tough tough day. I am so sorry. Please know if I could do anything to take away the hurt--I would. My personal philosophy is that these losses make us appreciate the depth of love we have for one another, the value and fragileness of human life and they make us better people. My priorities, my boundaries, what I need--that is so much clearer for me. All the hurts in our life are part of the fabric of our life that enriches or erodes us--depending on the how we choose to use that hurt. My hope for you is that this will bring you greater closeness with your family and husband and that if you believe in heaven--the ladies made me feel better by saying my mom was up there taking care of their babies. I am sure she would be happy to watch one more. I miss her immensely. I share your grief.

Please never hesitate to write or call if you need anything.
Take care and much love to you--

Anne Garrett
Executive Director
Preeclampsia Foundation

[sweetiesuzy]

Jennie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I can say from my own personal experience that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Let your self do what you feel. Yell, scream, cry, or just be silent. Seek out people that will be supportive of what you are going through. A loss is a loss no matter when it occurs AND DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE OR TELL YOU TO GET OVER IT! This is hard and this is sad. All you hopes and dreams for this precious baby are gone. Name your baby. Talk to your baby. Buy a keepsake box and buy special things for your baby. Have a memorial service for your baby.
Over time your grief will change, but this will forever change you. Just remember that there is hope. You will feel happiness again.
I am praying for you and keeping you close at heart.
Love and hugs,
Suzanna

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Thoreau

DS 3/25/95
DD Stillbirth 10/26/01
DS 12/30/02

[julie f]

Jennie,

My heart breaks for your loss, I am so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers.

Julie
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26 weeks due to severe pe

[laura]

Jennie, oh my. I'm so sorry- I wish I could give you a hug. I guess we'll have to settle for a great big cyberhug ((((hugs))))


Laura-28
DH Jack-30
Allie 5-13-98 (35 weeks-pre-e)
Baby Camille 4-17-03 (36 weeks- htn and oligo)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/c/camilleandallie/

[jenn]

Thank you so much- all of you. Your support is so very appreciated! I know I'll be okay, it's just getting there that's gonna' be hard. But with friends like you the rough edges are smoothing out.

Thanks Anne for giving me a place to start. I'm sorry to hear of the recent loss of your mother. My mom is my right arm, I can only imagine your loss. But one thing is for sure - she must be so proud of you. And thank you for letting me know she's there with my little piece of heaven. I know with a friend like you I have the love and support to get through this. Thanks for letting me know your there.

That goes for everyone.

Thanks to all for the show of love, understanding, and support. I knew I had friends here- but again you have wow'd me!

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I'll be in touch. I'm going to try and spend so quiet time this weekend and find some inner strength to get through next week. I know I'll have to have a D&C and the thought is unbearable. With you and my family behind me, I'll see this through. Thanks.

Much love to all and your families!

Jennie
Jaidyn 30 wk
2lb. 12oz. 14 3/4 in.
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jrk/

[erin2003]

Hi Jennie,

Please know that you and your family will continually be in our thoughts and prayers.

"In the days to come, accept help when it's offered, cry when you feel like it, and smile to remember." That was the best advise given to me when we lost our Jack.

Many ((hugs))

Erin

Me 27 DH 28
^|^ Jackson Andrew
Jan 21-25, 2003 (27w5d)
Pre-E, HELLP
EDD #2 Jan 6, 2004
C-section scheduled for Decemeber 31, 2003

[mada]

Hi Jennie,
I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing easy about losing a baby no matter when it is....All i can say is with time, you will feel better. I had a misscairrage this past July and even though the pregnancy was a suprise, it was still difficult. We are here for you....

Mada Harpster

Sam 6-29-00 36weeks P.E.
Ben 11-03-01 No P.E.

[kdreher]

Hi Jennie,

I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing will ever compare to the loss of a child you loved so much. We all have our ways to grieve and you have to do what is right for you, but allow yourself that. It has been 8yrs since I lost my son Tyler, and although I have a special place to visit him at, the pain is always just below the surface. I have good days and then certain moments when I allow myself to grive.

Because we had to plan a funeral for Tyler, which is the hardest and most out of body experience I ever had to do, I wrote a letter from me and his father so that he would know how I felt. Many nurses from the NICU sent me letters which touched me deeply.

Give yourself some time and know that you gave all the love you had to your child.


Kris (34)
DH, Tom (33)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks pe/HELLP)

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil

[paljane8]

Jennie,

I am really sorry. My heart really goes out to you because I can hear the sorrow in your post. I am so sorry. I had 3 misscarriages and even though I did not feel the same about all of them, 1 in particular felt like I had lost part of my very soul. It felt like such an intense loss; I just hurt for you! If you feel like talking (it helps for some) e-mail me-look me up under members.

Nancy-35
dh-34
ds-8yrs
dd-almost 7yrs
Scott-born 05-14-99 @38 weeks-PE
Janie-born 05-12-03 @37 weeks-PIH, small for gestational age (oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/