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Will this ever get easier?

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Will this ever get easier?

Postby calliesmom » Tue Nov 18, 2003 06:02 am

by calliesmom (22 Posts), Tue Nov 18, 2003 06:02 am

This is my first post. I just lost my little girl to severe preeclampsia and HELLP on November 8th. I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. People mean well, but I find they just can't comprehend what it's like to anticipate a pregnancy for so long, only to have it end in an induction of a 23 week old baby who was stillborn. My son was born six years ago Friday at 31 weeks due to preeclampsia, but I was lucky that time. He spent 5 weeks in NICU, but is a happy, healthy little boy. The comments lately have been, "you should feel lucky to have HIM, and not be sad about the baby." I have to say that that doesn't help.

Am I going crazy here? Please tell me this will get better with time. Getting out of bed is a challenge these days.

Thanks
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby mada » Tue Nov 18, 2003 06:34 am

by mada (4081 Posts), Tue Nov 18, 2003 06:34 am

I am so sorry for your loss. While I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through, you have come to the right place. There are many women here who have shared your experience. SOmetimes, I think people don't know what to say so they say something that makes things worse than better, like "you should feel lucky you have your son." I am sure your grief is unbearable. Continue to seek support from people who understand what you are going through. I know this has been a very recent event for you, but when you feel up for it, it might help to find a group of parents who have lost a little precious one. Again, I am so sorry oyu lost your little girl, I pray for healing in oyur family.

Sincerley, Mada

Mada Harpster

Sam 6-29-00 36weeks P.E.
Ben 11-03-01 No P.E.
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby ileana » Tue Nov 18, 2003 06:36 am

by ileana (1010 Posts), Tue Nov 18, 2003 06:36 am

Hi,

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is so terrible! I also lost my little boy at 24w in February.

It's just so hard to say the right words. Of course this is terrible. It's this baby that you dreamed of holding and caring for and now it's all gone.

If it gets better? It does with time, but, yes I still cry for him and for every similar story that I hear on this forum. My husband can't even read the posts. He asks me how can I stand to hear all these sad stories, but it just makes me feel like I am not alone.

It was not easy to go back to life. At work, I could not understand how people could laugh at small nothings. For months, I could not talk to anyone other than my husband, because I was obsessed with what happened, and people listened to the story once and were sad, but they moved on and could not understand that we kept thinking about it again and again. I worked and ate and got out of bed and did the right stuff every day, but there was no fun in anything I did.
Before the pregnancy I started to do yoga so that I could continue during pregnancy. I liked it a lot. After my baby died, I went to the yoga class, but the magic was gone... we were just making poses... there was no fun in it anymore.

We did not go for any therapy. My therapy was this Forum. I could see that this happens a lot, that there are other people that feel just like me, but also that there is hope and help.
I felt that I got back to life when I started volunteering for the Foundation, when I felt that I could help and that we can do something so that other women will no go through all we've been through.

You need to go on, you need to go on for your 6yo that needs you. You need to go on, but you also need to grieve. One thing that I found helpful was to cry as early as possible in the day. I went into the shower and just let all my thoughts free and cried it over as much as I could. The day would then be easier to start.
There will be days when you feel you went over it, but others when the whole pain will come back as if it was yesterday.

Try to find someone you can talk to as much as you need: your husband, a friend, a social worker from the hospital, or in this Forum. There will always be someone that will encourage you to speak and will let you know that we have been there too.

<<<<huggs>>>>



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Angel stillborn 24w p-e 2/17/03
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby michaela » Tue Nov 18, 2003 07:20 am

by michaela (26 Posts), Tue Nov 18, 2003 07:20 am

Hi,
I too lost my little boy at 34 wks. on Oct 31,03. I don't know how you feel individually, but I can relate to the feeling of loss. I find great comfort in knowing Jared is with Jesus and he prays for his family. For those who say the wrong things, I find it is easier just to smile and move on. I know for some people the shock of hearing of your loss makes it very difficult to even know what to say. I just try to think that they just don't know any better. We have been blessed with many who do know what to say and when to say nothing. I find a good hug sometimes is all that's needed.


I also think that you should surround yourself with loved ones who will listen. The more I talk about Jared the more comfort I feel. He's my son, just like your little girl is your daughter and always will be. You have an angel in heaven. She is forever in your heart and the hearts of your husband son and future childrenif you r blessedagainHoldyourhusbanhughim,love him. Iknow for some it can tear a marriage apart. For us we have never been stronger. I have never seen my husband cry in 12 years. He cried for days. He lost his son and he feels a hole in his heart. Let him know that you understand he lost a child too and remember they grieve differently than we do. Tell him daily how much youlove him. It will make you feel better too.

I absolutely can relate to not wanting to get out of bed. It's hard today, but I promise it will get better. I really didn't start getting through the day until my milk dried up and I started to physically feel better. All of it was such a constant reminder of the baby I didn't have. You will never forget your daughter, she will be with you til the day you meet again.

My other children and I ask Jared to interceed for us every day. We ask that he helps give us the strenght to move on and live life. Please take comfort in knowing that you now have a beautiful angel in heaven. She is going to provide you with graces beyond our comprehension. I don't think it is ever for us to understand why these things happen to us. I have to pray every day for the ability to resign myself to the fact Jared is not here with my family, but he is with his Father in heaven.

It is harder on some days and easier on others. On the hard days, let yourself cry and grieve. Crying can be so healing. I know this is long, but it is so fresh in my mind and then I see others going thru it. It's great therapy to talk about it. If you ever want to talk to someone e-mail me anytime . My address is kmjkl@comcast.net I feel so blessed to have found this site. Although no one will no how you feel personally. They all have had some sort of loss and can relate to you in many ways. God Bless you and your family.

Michaela 34
DH Ken 37
DS Joshua 7 yrs
DD Kennedy 4 yrs
DD Kathryn 3yrs
Our little angel Jared 34 wks stillborn 10/31/03 due to PE
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby taras mom » Tue Nov 18, 2003 08:55 am

by taras mom (841 Posts), Tue Nov 18, 2003 08:55 am

Yes, it does get better! Your heart will heal just as your body is healing. Be patient with yourself. All you need is one good reason to get out of bed every day, and your little boy is the best possible reason. Go slowly and rest often. People have different ways of saying they care. They can't say anything to bring Callie back, but they feel the need to say something. It's good to remember that they care, but don't be afraid to keep them at a distance at times. Your relationship with Callie is yours alone, and there will be times when you have to work through things alone. You'll know when you're ready to share things with others.

{{{{BIG HUG}}}}

Carol (38)
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Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby kimb » Tue Nov 18, 2003 10:22 am

by kimb (140 Posts), Tue Nov 18, 2003 10:22 am

I am so sorry for your loss and I understand the pain and emotions your are going through. Tomorrow was my due date with my son, who I lost on July 7th. Try not to let the people who just can't understand get you down too much - one woman who I have been dear friends with for years told me I needed to find a way to be at peace with this and remember the happy time - just like she is preparing herself for when her DOG dies. People really don't get it! You have every right to grieve for your little girl. It has been 19 weeks since I lost William and he is on my mind every day. Some days I am ok - some days I have to scratch and crawl to function - and some days I just want to scream. But yes it does get easier.

My husband and I went to a support group a couple of times after losing William, and we are participating in a study together for couples dealing with the loss of a child, and I go to therapy. This site has done a lot for me as well as I have met so many others who are in the same situation we are in - and they show me that there is healing and there is support.

As with Ileana there are many days the only person I want to talk to is my husband. Even he can't understand the extent of my grief - but he lets me grieve and supports me. My love for him grows everyday. I know that sometimes he worries that my greif may overtake me - but I know I must go on and be happy again. I was so sick and our little boy sacrificed so much so that I could stay here with his daddy - I have to go on and be happy again for him. Sometimes I feel guilty when I am having fun or feeling happy - then I remind my self that William would want his mommy to be happy again.

How is your health doing? Are you still having any problems physically?

Take good care of yourself and allow youself to grieve. If you ever need to talk - my email is kim@bruns-net.com. Know that we are here thinking of you and your little girl!
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby julie f » Tue Nov 18, 2003 12:18 am

by julie f (7993 Posts), Tue Nov 18, 2003 12:18 am

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I wish that I had some magic words to make your pain lessen but, I have learned that there just aren't any. In July, I delivered at 26 weeks and lost my little boy 5 days later.

Life has gotten easier but, nothing is "normal" anymore. I have begun to realize that this reality is our new "normal." People don't know what to say and they make comments that can cut straight to your heart but I have learned that I need to smile and move on, making a mental note not to talk with that person about my grief. I find great comfort in the few people that I can share my son's life with and of course, with the women on this board.

You are blessed to have your son, you already know that. It doesn't make the loss of your little girl any less significant, painful or heartbreaking. Your daughter is also your child, regardless of how early she had to be born. It is a loss that has changed your life in a way that many will never understand. Just know that there are women here that are praying for you and your family and are here to talk anytime. Use this resource when you feel up to it. I really mean that, I am convinced that talking with others who have been through this has really helped me to re-enter the "real world."

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Please email me if you feel like talking, pelote77@aol.com .

Julie
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26 weeks due to severe pe
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby calliesmom » Wed Nov 19, 2003 03:43 am

by calliesmom (22 Posts), Wed Nov 19, 2003 03:43 am

Thanks to all of you for your comforting words. Like most of you said, you all are great support. To know that you really UNDERSTAND is so helpful.

As far as my health, the BP is still out of control. I'm seeing a cardiologist who has me on three drugs. I'm also having some vision loss. Anyone else have that? He doesn't think it will be permanent, but he's not sure.

Thanks again for the kind words. I know I will be emailing you all in the near future.
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby twolfgram » Wed Nov 19, 2003 11:27 am

by twolfgram (388 Posts), Wed Nov 19, 2003 11:27 am

I, too, am sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. Tomorrow it will be 11 months since we lost our DS Erik at 29 weeks. It does get easier, but it might take awhile. I thought at first I wasn't going to make it through the next day, then, I would make it through a day without crying, and slowly, things got better. Even though I still think of him constantly, I can attend a baptism without crying and feel truly happy for people who have babies!

The comments lately have been, "you should feel lucky to have HIM, and not be sad about the baby."

OK, if someone said that to me, I'd smack them in the head. You do feel lucky to have your son, but of course you're going to feel sad about the baby. Sheesh!

Enough babbling, I really hope you'll start to feel better soon. I know it's rough, but the ladies on this board are wonderful! Feel free to e-mail if you want!

Therese Mom to
Jonathan - 28 weeks born 10/4/95
Angel in Heaven - Erik 12/20/02
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Re : Will this ever get easier?

Postby catherine » Wed Nov 19, 2003 12:54 am

by catherine (2832 Posts), Wed Nov 19, 2003 12:54 am

Hello Calliesmom I'm so, so sorry and sad that this happened to you.

I'm curious about your vision loss. Is it in one or both eyes or is it "double vision" and an inability to make out exactly what you are looking at unless it is at exactly the correct focal length? By that I mean is there a particular distance that you can be from an object and everything comes into focus (eg. exactly armslength). I had "cortical blindness" when I had HELLP and those were the vision problems that I experienced. It took about a couple of weeks for the double vision to wear off and maybe a month before I could feel comfortable driving or reading a book. In the hospital I couldn't read, tell the time from a clock, read a notice or watch TV. It was so scary.

I know the cortical blindness comes from the optic nerve being squeezed by the increased pressure in your brain from the high BP, there is no damage to the eye directly. However, I think that I have read that some people end up with retinal damage where the high BP damages blood vessels in that area. If your vision doesn't improve I would consult with an opthamologist. You don't want to lose any precious sight.

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