Thank You

[josiah1112]

Hi All,

Thank you for sharing with me. It's amazing but everywhere I go
my son seems to go with me. I can't stop thinking of him...
I yearn for him so much... sometimes I still smell him...
I've been feeling very angry with God. I know he didn't send
the PE but I know he could've made the outcome different.
Lately, I can hardly pray and have little interest in reading
my bible, which is something which I used to do daily for my
spiritual health.

I also need to think about going back to work. What I dread the most
is having to interact with the people. I teach children which also
makes it doubly hard. Two days ago I visited a friends school.
(First time I went into a school after my son passed away). I had
two emotional waves- when I stepped into one of the Special
Education classes (I also teach Spec. Ed.) with the full realization that my son could've been any child in this class if he would've
made it because of possible dev. delays (due to prematurity) and when we stepped into the cafeteria on our way out of the building. -- It hurt that I would never see Josiah at this age or at any age. It's so hard.

Another hard thing will be seeing a parent that was due at about
the same time I was. I'm sure she will be coming to pick up her
child which is in my class with the baby in no time. How was going back to work for you all? Shared experiences would be appreciated.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03

[josiah1112]

Sorry everyone,

I pressed the wrong key. Instead of reply to post I pressed
key for new topic. Sorry.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03

[ileana]

I'm working from home most of the time, but sometimes I work at various clients sites.
The day before I entered the hospital, I was at this site in Long Island (driving for 2 hours to get there). They have big mirrors and I could see my non-existant waist line [:(]

I went back a month or two after that and it was such an awful shock! People chatterring around, and I felt there was nothing to chatter about. People asking me how I feel and me having to tell them that I'm ok, because there was nothing physically wrong with me.
Seeing my waistline in the big mirror made me so painfully aware what I am missing... people that knew I was pregnant asking me about the baby... Driving on the way home and listening to the same music I listened before getting into the hospital - I had to turn off the CD player. People talking about their kids and having kids pictures on their desks.
I can still clearly remember both days: the day before and the first day back.

It's not fun, but it's a step you need to take. Allow yourself to be unhappy.

Ileana 33
Angel stillborn 24w p-e 2/17/03

[kimb]

I went back to work 3 weeks after losing William. I went in the week before just to get the inital face to faces over. My anticipation was much worse than the reality. But I think I went back to work too soon. For the next month I was only there about half of the time as my bp and my emotions were so out of control. I cried multiple times every day at the office, sometimes sobbing uncontrollably. But the crying has slowed down - now after 6 months - I usually cry at lunch time when my mind gets to relax and then it always goes to my son.

The guy across the hall from me at work and his wife were due three weeks ahead of me. Seeing him again and trying to be happy for he and his wife was hard. But he is about the only one who will talk to me about it. The first time his little girl was sick he found me and said that he had wondered what he would have done had this happened to him and he always thought "eh - I'd get thru it" - but just not being able to control and keep his little girl from having a fever - he was even more amazed at how I was coping and that he knew he couldn't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child as we had. I am very thankful that he is willing to talk to me about it - the hardest part for me was those who made no mention and acted like it was just another day. I talked about it and him to anyone who would stand still long enough for me to get going.

On the three month anniv or losing William - my boss and his wife announced they were pregnant (3 months) - that threw me over the edge. As my little boy was leaving this earth, their new baby was coming into being. But my boss didn't tell me. He let someone else and then after the initial tantrum and screaming was over and I had time to calm down a bit he came in and talked to me about it.

I am sorry I rambled on so. Ileana is right, it is a necessary step in our healing though it isn't fun. Getting some "normalcy" back into our routine does help. For me the anticipation of all things for the first time since losing William has been worse than the actual event is.

Being that I had worked for the same company for 10 years (in fact I lost William on my 10 year anniversary at work) - I didn't hide my emotions - I can't. For me I can't say I'm ok or fine or good when I'm not. And for the most part I think people understand that.

There will be hard times on this road but there are also days that are ok or even good days. And their numbers grow as the weeks go by. There will be days when the tears are minimal and others where they pour out - for me it poured this weekend which is probably why I am rambling so. Just remember to take care of yourself and don't let anyone put limits on your grief.

[josiah1112]

Thanks for sharing. I just spoke to a co worker
and she mentioned that people from work were asking when I
would be coming back to work. I mentioned to her
a few things that I DO NOT like people to say to
me, like- "Oh, it happened for a reason". "He
could've been a very sick boy and had problems."
- As if moms don't expect and pray for every possible miracle
for the prosperity of their child. I guess I will have to
keep doing this as I talk to more co workers. I hate it when
people give you a pat answer sometimes without even thinking.
I guess they feel they need to help our "thinking" along.
It's funny, but when I mention - "How would you feel if this
were your child?" things change around quickly.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 born @26wks PE

[sweetiesuzy]

Gloria,
Sadly you will hear ignorant and insensitive comments. You seem to be aware of this and able to voice your feelings which is wonderful! So many people would tell me how good it was that she didn't have to suffer being born alive. That somehow they thought that was easier for me. The worst thing someone said was how much fun my husband and I would have fun trying to get pregnant again. People just don't get it.
I didn't return to work for about 6 months. I was fortunate to be able to stay home. When I returned it was to a new job so I didn't have to face old co workers. I know how difficult this must be and I am thinking of you -

Hugs,
Suzanna

DS 3/25/95
DD 10/26/01 stillbirth
DS 12/30/02
AND ~ Peanut edd 8/6/04

[josiah1112]

Suzanna,

I'm glad you didn't have to go back to your
old job. I wish I didn't have to, but I don't
think this is a good time to look for another
job, especially since my husband wants us to relocate
in the near future. I've thought of relocating
now, but it will take some time to sell our
house. I would also have to interview for a job
and pick the best one for me. (Close to our
future home).

Someone told me today that maybe my son would
suffer or be killed by someone in the future
and that maybe God was saving me from heart-
ache! I responded that at whatever age a mom
still hurts. It doesn't matter what age their
child is.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 born @26wksPE

[julie f]

Gloria,

I wish I could say something to make it better but, all I can offer is that time does seem to do something to the grief. It does not become any less but, it becomes part of life and the wounds do not always seem so fresh. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. I guess for me, it's just that grief is now part of my everyday and I find that I make it through, that some days are easier than others.

Do you have a close pastor that you can talk to about dealing with your grief and feelings toward God? We were very fortunate to have a close family friend/pastor there with us through my son's life and also his passing. Of course, he could not answer "Why?" But, as time has begun to pass, I have decided that I don't even want to know why because I don't know that the reason would ever be good enough for me. So far, everytime that I have been to church since Zach died, I have not been able to make it through without crying.

About work, I was fortunate in that I was not working before so, I did not have to go back. Sometimes though, I was jealous of my husband, that he got to go to work and I had to stay in this house that was supposed to be filled up with a baby. I started working p/t last month and even though it had been almost 6 months, I still found it hard - mostly because I couldn't control my environment. People would talk about their children and then they would ultimately ask if I had any... I have begun to feel better about it though and feel like it is helping me get back to the "real world." Working with children though I'm sure would be very difficult, I don't know that I could do it right now. Take as much time as you can and as you need, work will always be there.

Thinking of you,

Julie (26)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

[calliesmom]

Gloria,

I lost my daughter Callie in November to PE and severe HELLP syndrome. I too am a teacher, and took time off from work. I returned right after Christmas, and yes, it was a very difficult thing to do. I teach high school, and I was so afraid that these kids would confront me, or say the wrong thing. Honestly, they couldn't have been more gracious. They all simply said, "We missed you. We're glad you're back." Except for one student I taught last year. He came up and said, "I'm really sorry about what happened." With that, I about fell apart. Just seeing this awkward teenage boy trying to console me melted my heart. All of my colleagues have been supportive. They were wonderful while I was out and took great care of my classes.

On the good side, I think that going back to work was a good thing for me. My kids need me, and that in itself was comforting. On the bad side, I find that people assume that I'm "over it." Honestly, I'll never get "over it." One thing that I did to remind me of Callie was I purchased a silver charm bracelet. Then I found the sweetest pink angel charm. I've been wearing it to work everyday. In a strange way it comforts me.

I hope that you have good luck in your return to work. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

I hope that you are in good health before you return. Don't rush it.

Calliesmom


dchilders_1@yahoo.com

[michal]

I was reading your post and found that I have also been trying to deal with very similar issues .

My worst is being around pregnant women and women with new born babies . A friend of mine who was about 2 weeks ahead of me gave birth to a baby girl yesterday ( it was also my birthday ) . My due date is fast approaching . I know that I will have to phone or visit but I don't know how I will handle it . We went to dinner at friends whose baby boy was born the day before my daughter Dina died . I could not even look at her baby or mention anything about him .
It is my only means of coping even though it seems so cold and unkind .

I have also not been able to pray to God since I lost my daughter Dina . I just have so many unfinished issues to deal with that I feel that my prayers will lack meaning and integrity . I need to speak to a religious leader who is on my "wavelength" but so far have not found anyone appropriate.

I went back to work 2 days' ago . I took off 3 months' from work after Dina died . I had been off a lot while I was pregnant too because of my high risk pregnancy . I also spent 3 weeks in hopsital with severe HELLP Syndrome and acute renal failure . I was dreading going back to work . I am a family physician , and I had such negative experiences with doctors during my difficult pregnancy and after my daughter died . I am still feeling very disillusioned with the profession as I felt that so many of the doctors who cared for me were so useless at being understanding and sympathetic , and had no idea what to say to me after I was so sick , and my baby died .
It was actually easier going back than I expected . I had really expected the worst . It helped to take my mind off all my sorrows , and made me feel that at least I am capable of doing my job and being an empathetic doctor ( even though I am not at all succesful when it comes to being pregnant and bringning another baby into this world ) . I hope from all my difficult personal experiences I will be more equipped to help other people who are in distress , and to be sensitive to their needs.

My work also involves seeing babies , kids and pregnant women . I think one just has to separate personal and work issues . That is the only way to cope . Otherwise I think I would just break down all the time .

Good Luck for your return to work .
I hope our babies are safe in heaven .

Michal
Mom to Tali age 5 ( PE and HELLP 5/3/1998 ) ,mom to my first angel in heaven ( PE and HELLP 20/2/2002 ) , and my seccond angel in heaven , Dina (PE and HELLP 29/10/2003- 4/11/2003 )