It's been a little over a year since we lost our baby girl at 24 wks. At first the pain was unbearable, and I had terrible fear that the hurting would never go away. It was like being forever lost in a deep abyss of sorrow, darkness and anxiety. A few wks after the loss, I ventured outside for the first time to take a walk. A little girl who had just learned to walk thought I was her mommy. She left her dad & came running towards me w/excitement screaming, "hi mommy." Very strange. For a while, I had fear of facing people who knew I was expecting. I refused to go into the neighborhood market for months. (My poor husband did all the shopping). Slowly, though, I became more comfortable, and less afraid that I'd have a complete breakdown discussing what happened.
What really helped me was finding an excellent therapist. I needed a place to go once a week and just cry & talk about it. My friends were supportive, especially in the beginning, but they felt helpless. How could they know what to say? The other thing that really helped, of course, was/is this forum. I feel such kinship with those who have gone through this. If I ever meet any of you, I'll feel like we're old cronies from the war! Most importantly, what has helped is the sense of spirituality that has grown so much out of this tragedy. I've been profoundly changed because of that little spirit that lived within me for 5 1/2 months. Hidden away in all the grief and misery, strangely, are gifts that emerge as time passes. I still grieve for her...always will have a place for her. I thought I would be her parent & teacher, but she is teaching me still.
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