by calliesmom (22 Posts), Tue Feb 17, 2004 10:53 am
I lost my daughter Callie in November. She was 23 weeks old, and stillborn. I was in a Catholic hospital, and my doctor wanted to deliver me because I had severe PE and HELLP, and my organs were beginning to fail. However, the head nun would not allow it, and they wanted to "wait it out" until I reached 24 weeks, so that Callie would be technically viable. At 24 weeks, my doctor would not be allowed to induce me in this hospital. After arguing with the Archdiocese in Baltimore and the ethics committee for two days while my condition deteriorated, my doctor convinced them that I would most certainly die if he did not act. He was granted his request, and she was delivered to save my life. I had nurses who ignored me, and refused to help me when my baby was being born because they did not "agree" with the situation, and called my doctor an abortionist because of his decision. When all was said and done, little Callie only measured the size of a 21 week old because of the PE.
After this ordeal, I stayed home from work for two months. I still have BP and vision problems.
I have since returned to work and seemed to be dealing with everything as best I can. HOWEVER, my due date is on February 25th. Just looking at the calendar sends me into tears. I turned on the tv this weekend and was bombarded with commercials for Discovery Channel's Birth Day special. Just what I need.
I haven't shared this with my husband. He thinks I'm fine, as does everyone else. It is like this nightmare is happening again. I have extreme guilt that my daughter's life had to end to save mine, and have the pain of thinking of what might have been. Right now, I should be preparing a nursery. Instead, we're getting ready to move because we don't need the extra room. I was so looking forward to all the little girl things: Barbies in the house, the shopping trips together, the planning of a wedding, but that is gone.
Sorry to ramble, but I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening everyone.