I haven't seen any other postings since your 12/16 one, so I just want to jump in here and offer my own words of empathy. I, too, buried my precious daughter and wanted nothing more than to die so I could be with her (thanks to the p-e, I almost did). As you can see by the other posts, the feelings you are having are completely justified, normal and frankly warranted. Preeclampsia is not discriminating. And the loss of your baby is a brutal attack on your very soul. While it is normal to be mad at God and sometimes I even encourage some venting toward Him, please be VERY careful to not succomb to the "it must have been God's will" phrases that well-meaning people often say. Maybe you are even playing that tape over and over b/c you've heard it so often during your life. It is NOT God's will. Death and grief and destruction of a human life is NEVER God's will. God grieves WITH us when "Sh*t happens" b/c life is not perfect and bad stuff does happen. Yes, we sometimes hear about miraculous interventions and I'm a firm believer that prayer and God's grace can alter a bad thing, but that's not normal life. Normal life can really suck sometimes. The God who's birthday you did not want to celebrate is the same God who wept with grief over the death of his dear friend Lazarus. Please know that as surely as every one of us on this forum is grieving with you, and loving you even though we don't "know" you, there is One who grieves and loves even more perfectly. You are not alone and soon, I pray, you will part the dark curtain that hangs around you just enough to find moments of clarity and meaning in all this. Please, if you ever want to talk, I can just listen...I promise no more preaching [;)]. Your despair is so, so very familiar to my heart. I cry with you, I cry for you.