Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
amillhouse
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Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 05:09 am

Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby amillhouse » Wed Apr 28, 2004 04:11 pm

Hi, Shonia:

I definitely know how you feel. In the next month, I have two baby showers to attend and most of my friends have infants. It is so hard to look at these babies though I love them and their parents. Honestly I people who have not suffered this lost simply do not get it. They expect you to be the same, your old self. I know for me, I am different, I am a new person. First, I was suddenly a pregnant woman with pre-eclampsia, then I was a mommy with a preemie in the NICU, and now I am a mommy with empty arms. My identity has changed and for me to act like nothing has happened, I feel I would be denying my son and his beautiful life and the precious change he has made in me. This is hard for others to understand - especially at church where people think your faith is gone if you don't act the same. But if there are people in your life - close friends and family - that you can share the changes that have taken place inside of you, then do so. It is a testament to your inherent kindness that you are even concerned about their feelings. Try to be transparent to them about your feelings, letting them know that you are speaking from your heart. Try to do this in person if you can.

Hope this helped. . . some



Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

houstygirl
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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby houstygirl » Wed Apr 28, 2004 04:01 pm

It has only been 3 1/2 weeks since Jonathan was born but I decided that I needed to cuddle a baby. Yesterday I spent 4 hours at the hospital cuddling my neighbours wee boy Ollie. He is 8 days old and just beautiful. His mother, Laura had lost her last pregnancy at 20 weeks so this baby is extra special for her too. We both sat there and cried and cried for our Angel babies and in happiness that Ollie was just fine. (BTW Ollie was born 6 weeks early yet weighed in at 7 pounds 6 ounces!)

Mum to Angel baby Jonathan Douglas
born still 3rd April 2004 31wks, weighing 880gms

for faith
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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby for faith » Wed Apr 28, 2004 01:30 pm

Shonia - I understand your feelings. It has been almost 3 months since my daughter's passing and seeing newborns just breaks my heart. I have a nephew who was due on the same day as Faith and we were so excited to have them grow up together. It hurts so bad to be around him and to see my in-laws with this baby. I have yet to hold him myself it is just too hard.

This isn't something we can just get over, we just have to cope everyday with the horror. I think it is totally normal to feel anxiety in these situations. I think it is terrible that they push anything on you, even if they are just trying to be nice. I agree with Catherine that it should be totally on you to take the first step. Maybe you can try to talk to them or write an email or letter just explaining that you are still learning to live with your grief and hope that they will understand and let you make the first step when seeing them and their babies.

I pray for myself that I will be able to come to truely charish my nephew as he grows up, knowing at least I can have a special reminder of my daughter. I hope the same for you - maybe these babies can turn into special children too you. I have a long way to go for that, but I hope someday I will feel it. Take Care.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(premie complications))

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catherine
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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby catherine » Wed Apr 28, 2004 12:32 am

Shonia, I think that I can offer a practical answer from the perspective of the mom with the baby. One of my close friends lost a baby around the same time as you. Not preeclampsia, an unsurvivable birth defect which meant that the whole time that we were actually having our daughter (born in July) they were going through the process of having the problem diagnosed etc. We work together and I had to bring my baby to work with me quite often during the fall. I was dying inside for somewhat the same reasons as you suggest. I was very afraid that she would think that I was rubbing my baby in her face etc. It has been a real struggle for both of us to speak openly, both then, when the issue was acute, and now, when some time has passed. We have come to a situation where I don't ask her if she wants to play with Chloe, but if she comes over and asks, then she gets first chance. I guess that everyone heals in their own way, and at their own pace. I know that I would never be offended and my feelings would not be hurt if she told me that she just didn't feel up to interacting, especially when everyone else clusters around cooing etc. I always perceive that as salt in the wound.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

shonia
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Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2004 11:17 am

Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby shonia » Wed Apr 28, 2004 12:20 am

I lost Savana at 31 weeks born still on Oct. 25, 2003. Several other women that I knew, some of them close friends were due right at the same time as me. Although, I try not to go around them much, I still run into them in town or in church. I have a range of feelings when i see their babies. I do not want to hold them at all. Some people tell me i need to get over this and quit being so bitter. But, it's not like i want to feel this way. In the back of my mind, i feel they are rubbing it in my face with their babies, which i know logically that is not the case. BUt, they will come up to me and ask me if i want to hold their babies! At that time, I want to scream and run away!!!! I get nervous sometimes sick when i see them. Is this normal? How do i deal and not hurt anyone's feelings?

Shonia Burch
Mother of Savana Lynsey
Born still 10/25/03 @ 31 weeks


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