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It Has Been Quiet...

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

It Has Been Quiet...

Postby sweetiesuzy » Wed Nov 12, 2003 04:28 pm

by sweetiesuzy (2404 Posts), Wed Nov 12, 2003 04:28 pm

It has been so quiet here. I pray and hope you are all doing OK with the holidays fast approaching. It can be a really tough time of the year - especially right after a loss. Please know that I think of you all and I am sending BIG HUGS to everyone.

Suzanna

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Thoreau

DS 3/25/95
DD Stillbirth 10/26/01
DS 12/30/02



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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby kimb » Wed Nov 12, 2003 10:18 pm

by kimb (140 Posts), Wed Nov 12, 2003 10:18 pm

Yes - it has been quiet here. There is a LOT coming up and I just keep hoping my fears are worse than the reality. One week from today was Williams due date - so far I am doing pretty well - have made it thru the guy across the hall at work having their baby - and when I first found out I was pregnant the traffic lady in the afternoon on the radio station I listen to was always talking about her daughter being preg - she had her baby yesterday and they all kept talking about it on the radio. So happy for others joy but so hard when you were to have been having the same and will not. My husband and I had already told his family we would prob not participate in the holidays - but that is turning around and we are making plans - I have to go on with my life - William would want it that way. I have already bought snowmen ornaments with Mike, mine and Williams names on them for the tree - and want to find a special angel ornament for William. I'm going to try hard to focus on the happy things about the holidays while remembering my little angel. Hope everyone else is doing well.
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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby sweetiesuzy » Thu Nov 13, 2003 04:08 pm

by sweetiesuzy (2404 Posts), Thu Nov 13, 2003 04:08 pm

Kim,
It is so hard when other people were due at the same time you were. When I was pregnant with Chloe, Jennifer Aniston was pregnant on the tv show friends. I hated it because she had the baby at the time Chloe should have been born healthy. Plus so many other people got pregnant after Chloe died. It was so painful because no one seemed to understand. I had to go through Thanksgiving and Christmas that year just right after her death. I have vauge memories of it all. It was as if I was living a surreal existence. I do feel that William would want you to go on with life. But remember to let yourself do whatever it is you need to do to grieve. That is so important. I know so many women who didn't grieve and then found themselves starting the process 3 and 4 years down the road. I guess it creeps up on you eventually.
Well... I am sending you lots of hugs and keeping precious William in my thoughts.
Suzanna

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Thoreau

DS 3/25/95
DD Stillbirth 10/26/01
DS 12/30/02



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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby julie f » Thu Nov 13, 2003 07:24 pm

by julie f (7993 Posts), Thu Nov 13, 2003 07:24 pm

It has been quiet. Suzanna, thank you for getting the ball rolling...

Christmas is has always been my favorite time and I just pray that I can keep it together this year, I had so many plans... I am actually looking forward to celebrating the holidays with my husband, I feel like we really need the warm fuzzies and the rituals of it all right now. What I am not really excited about is celebrating the holidays with all of our extended families. Everyone has tried to "share" in our grief and while I know they are grieving too, I feel that they cannot possibly understand what my husband and I are going through and I resent the fact that they try and relate. My mother-in-law often refers to Zach as, "OUR little guy" and says things like, "I can't believe this has happened to OUR family..." She even once told me that she made a donation to the Special Olympics because, "had OUR little boy made it..." I know that she means well but, I find her words incredibly insensitive. And unfortunately, I haven't gathered up the courage to tell her how upset her behavior makes me - you'd think after all I've been through, I'd have the courage to do anything.[;)]

Anyway, I guess I have strayed off topic a bit... I just wanted to say that I keep everyone here in my prayers and will continue to do so.

Kim, my thoughts are with you as you approach your due date. I just passed mine in October. I began to feel a bit better after it passed but, with the holidays approaching, I feel like I'm sometimes moving backwards instead of forwards. Little things get me - like taking our Christmas picture for the cards, it's just me and my husband, it is supposed to be me, DH and Zachary. But, like you, I am going to try and focus on the wonderful reasons for this season.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Julie
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26 weeks due to severe pe
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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby taras mom » Fri Nov 14, 2003 03:36 am

by taras mom (841 Posts), Fri Nov 14, 2003 03:36 am

You guys are awesome!

Suzanna, thanks for starting this thread. Last Thanksgiving I was feeding little Tara all the turkey I could eat and showing off my tummy to all the people who hadn't seen it yet. Three people told me they were expecting me to be bigger; I thought they just meant they expected me to get fat.[:(] I insisted on keeping the tree up anyway; my husband thought it would upset me, but it actually helped. Then I spent New Year's in the emergency room (and the waiting room) with gallstones. I'm making all the usual plans this year, but it's just not the same. Thanks for the hug--I needed one!

Kim, I'm so glad you're making plans! I think we start to make plans because we know we're ready, and that's always a good sign. If it's too much, you'll know. If you make plans and decide you need to back out, give yourself permission to do so. It's YOUR holiday, too!

Julie, I know what you mean about warm fuzzies and rituals. Just knowing there are people out there who understand makes it easier. I think seeing snow would help, too; maybe we'll drive up to the mountains this weekend. Don't be afraid to limit your time with your relatives if they try to "share" too much. They might need to latch onto your loss, but you don't need to accommodate them.

Our little angels are watching over us!

Carol (38)
DH Bill (39)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel
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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby kimpaulus00 » Fri Nov 14, 2003 09:24 am

by kimpaulus00 (77 Posts), Fri Nov 14, 2003 09:24 am

Thank you for starting this topic. I am finding out that my feelings about the holidays are not unique to me alone.

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year as well, especially putting up the tree and trying to find the perfect gifts for everyone. When I was pregnant with Allison, I had envisioned this Christmas with a little girl who was amazed with the lights and who I was trying to convince to not cry when everyone was here. We don't have our little girl, but I hope that she will still be watching Christmas with my family. We are celebrating Christmas at my brother's house this year (I just hope we do not have sushi -- he will just be returning from a business trip to Japan) and I am hopeful that I will be able to find peace and happiness again. I think that would be best gift this season.

With the holidays coming up, I hope that all of you are able to find peace and happiness as well. With what all of us have been through, I think that we all could use it.

Take care......

Kim -- mother to Allison Jean, our beautiful angel who showed a spirit and strength that belied her small size
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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby kimb » Fri Nov 14, 2003 06:23 pm

by kimb (140 Posts), Fri Nov 14, 2003 06:23 pm

You are all so wonderful!!!!!

Julie - I definitely understand your feelings about the family stuff - my sister in law told my husband that we needed to do Thanksgiving becuase they lost William too and we needed to be together. I found myself getting defensive when Mike told me that. I was never around my family when I was pregnant as I am in Wa and they are all in Minn and Iowa - and when I talked to my brother about my feelings about the holidays - it was just something like you just need to get past it - MUCH easier said than done - esp when he has 3 beautiful little boys at home - one born 3 weeks before William. The rituals and warm fuzzies are definitely what I am focusing on - I am taking next week off and getting the house cleaned so Thanksgiving weekend I can decorate and have the happy parts around!

Kim - I know we all had way different pictures in our mind about how the holidays were going to be this year - you are definietly not alone in those feelings.

We are all strong women - we have made it this far and we will make it through - especially with each other to lean on. We need to make sure we keep reaching out in this area so that we don't feel alone during this time - I'll try do my part.

BTW - I got something in the mail today that I found strange - but very nice - maybe just becuase I have never dealt with a loss so close. We got an invitation from the funeral home for a special ceremony for those who have lost loved ones this year and they will read their names and you can pick an ornament from their tree to take home as a way to honor your loved one. Has anyone heard of that before?

Take care!
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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby taras mom » Fri Nov 14, 2003 06:54 pm

by taras mom (841 Posts), Fri Nov 14, 2003 06:54 pm

No, but that's a really nice idea! Our funeral home planted a tree in Tara's name, which I thought was also a great idea.

Carol (38)
DH Bill (39)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby sweetiesuzy » Fri Nov 14, 2003 07:44 pm

by sweetiesuzy (2404 Posts), Fri Nov 14, 2003 07:44 pm

I am so amazed by everyones strength. It means so much to know that I am not alone in my experience, yet I easily get sad because this has happened to so many of us.

I have heared of hospitals, funeral homes and support groups doing special memorials for angel babies. I think it is wonderful and gives opportunity to meet others in person who have lost a precious baby(ies). Our hospital only has a support group that meets once a month. I have never gone. I have however found an angel of hope statue memorial in our area and I will be attending the annual memorial service there on December 6th.

I wanted to add to thoughts about others "thinking" they know how you feel. Personally - no one but me and God know how much pain I feel about Chloe's death. My mother in law lost 4 babies, all at different times and all related to high blood pressure. Yet when we lost Chloe she never even said she was sorry to me. It is a bizarre situation in that somehow she has tried to convey that she knows exactly how I feel. Others seem to think I should just forget and move on. I will never forget the priceless time she grew in my belly. I will never forget her small body, long fingers, tiny lips or her smell. She was a part of me and my husband, made from love. I do think that people can have understanding for the grief process and empathy for pain of a loved one - just as I feel that for each and everyone of you - but no one can feel what our own heart feels. It is a personal thing and a personal journey.

I guess I just want to say thank you to all of you for sharing. Even after two years and a subsequent pregnancy I still think of her everyday and miss her. You all make the difference for me knowing that I am not alone.

Blessings,
Suzanna

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Thoreau

DS 3/25/95
DD Stillbirth 10/26/01
DS 12/30/02



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Re : It Has Been Quiet...

Postby mada » Sat Nov 15, 2003 02:33 pm

by mada (4081 Posts), Sat Nov 15, 2003 02:33 pm

I cannot imagine how all you must feel. I can't even pretend to imagine in my head what it would be like to loose a precious baby. I just wanted to say, you are all an inspiration to me when I am having a tough time. Your will to go on and kindness towards others is amazing.

Suzanna, you have a light about you that is so special.

Big hugs to all of you and big hugs to those beautiful angels.

Mada Harpster

Sam 6-29-00 36weeks P.E.
Ben 11-03-01 No P.E.
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