Husband needs advice

[issa]

Hi, I had severe PE with my son, my first pregnancy, May 2005. I am 6 wks preg now and my husband is scared to death. It wasn't planned and now he is scared to lose me. I tell him that I am brave enough to carry this through. He doesn't want to risk losing me and going through everything we went through the first time. During my emergency c-section, he was made to leave the operating room. I went into surgery with 162/122 BP and as soon as they delivered my son, my BP dropped to 60/30. I was dying and he was told to step out. I can't even imagine had the tables been turned. First he watched our son be rushed down to the NICU and then his wife almost dies. I completely understand his reason for wanting me to abort this time around, but I don't think I can go through with it. I was actually at the clinic a week ago to terminate, but it was too early. They said to come back in a couple weeks. First of all, it was a traumatic experience for both me & my husband, but now I wonder what God is trying to tell me. I'm so messed up from all of this and just wanted to see what any of you other husbands would tell him etc.
I don't want to ruin our marriage by risking everything that he values. I'm not sure how he'd handle it if I were to go through with the pregnancy and develop PE once again. I know I can't expect him to agree and be happy right away. He admitted that under any other circumstances he's be exstatic about maybe having a girl this time. He's just so scared. Help please.

[gordon k]

There's a few things that I would recommend.

First, make sure that he is comfortable with the doctor, hopefully one knowledgeable in hypertensive disorders of pregnancy. My wife and I had a great perinatologist that I trusted. He was very knowledgable regarding preeclampsia and took the time to answer our questions.

Second, he should go to the appointments with you. I found a fair amount of comfort by being engaged in the pregnancy process and understanding what was happening at each stage and why the doctor was comfortable that everything was alright.

Finally, he should get specific information from the doctor about when to be alarmed. By specific, I mean questions like, "at what blood pressure reading should I call your office and when should I call the ER?", etc. By knowing what to look out for I was able to enjoy the pregnancy because I knew when to worry and when not to.

I hope that this helps and really believe the first step is to get your husband into the doctor's office with you and make sure that he trusts the doctor as much as you do.

[craigh]

Hello, I'm HeatherH's husband. Boy that is a very difficult situation, Heather was telling me about you the other day. Unfortunately there is no way we can tell what is going to happen, there is a chance things could go wrong but there is also a chance that nothing will happen at all, only the man upstairs knows for sure. Our situation is very similar, Hayden was taken to the NICU and Heather was struggling for her life. As a husband, there isn't anything in the world that makes you feel more helpless then that because there isn't a thing we can do but watch and pray. So that being said, I can see where he is coming from. However, if Heather ended up pregnant again (even though drs say she shouldn't) I would see it threw. I know the risks are huge but some things are better left to a higher power. I would not be able to live with myself, looking back, asking "what if" if we chose to have it aborted. Though it would be devastating to loose the child or Heather during or after delivery, I would know in my heart that they were chosen by god to join him & Shane in heaven. I would handle that better then looking back for the rest of my life asking, "what if". I would also take comfort in the drs, they were able to care for you as they did Heather so that now everything is ok. You, as was Heather, were very close to dying, yet they were able to pull you threw to recovery, there is no reason they shouldn't be able to do that again. Yes it is uncertain that you would make it threw it again, but equally uncertain is that it would even happen again. All we can really do is pray for the best and have faith in both the drs. and god. I would tell him to read this forum and as much as he could about PE and HELLP so that he could help watch for the warning signs, so he had a good understanding of the diseases and also so if you did go threw it again, he knows what to expect, what the doctors are talking about and also what and why they are treating you for it the way they are. The most important thing is to find drs that you and he are comfortable with, that will make all the difference. Refer him to this site, I found it extremely helpful with our situation, not only for the knowledge base but the piece of mind knowing that we weren't the only ones out there with these issues. Show him my username, I'd be more then happy to talk to him at any time if he wanted.

Good Luck and god bless!

Craig

[kara]

Well, the thing that comforts me the most with possibly having another baby is that my wife and I trust her doctor. She made all the right decisions, even though it was an emergency situation with our first. This time I know that it will not get to an emergency situation, because of her history of having preeclampsia before, they will follow her very closely and deliver earlier before any emergency situation occurs. We know that this may leave us with a preemie or micro-preemie, that is something that we may not be able to change, but is something we have to decide before we have another.

Please understand that these ladies (and husbands) have been thru very similar, or worse circumstances. MANY go on to have more kids, safely. They may have pre-e again, they may have preemies, but they may slide by without pre-e too. The most important thing is to have a doctor you trust, that has a "plan" in place for your care. Have your husband go to as many appointments with you and ask questions and be involved. Knowledge is power. Find out all you can from these ladies. They will answer all your questions along the way.

Good luck in whatever your choice may be. We will be here to support you.

AveryAnnsDad

[caryn]

My DH says he agrees with all the other dads here that the next step is to find out, as best you can, (if you haven't already) what a perinatologist says your risks are. Then you and your DH will have to make a decision that respects the values both of you hold with respect to those risks.

(He adds that, while it is important to consider your husband's concerns and wishes, since it is your life and health on the line, the decision is ultimately yours.)

It's one of those things that no one can decide for you; the only thing we can do is encourage you to get as much real information about the risks as possible, so that your decisions conform as accurately to a real assessment of your risks, and to your own values, as possible. That might mean that a visit to a peri leaves you both even more terrified than you were before you went in... or that you leave encouraged that your chances of a successful pregnancy are much higher than you thought.

It's a hard place to be. My gentle good wishes are with you.

[issa]

Thanks for your thoughts and advice.
I will definetly discuss all of your ideas with my husband.
I really appreciate you all [;)]

[alexza]

issa,
It's been a week since you wrote your post, but I have just come across it. I had a very similar event happen, emergency C, with almost dying on the table and post-partum due to blood clot and infections.

We were debating another child for 3+years before we had an "unplanned" pregnancy. It was myself though, not my husband that had not dealt with the events that had almost killed me. So once the pregnancy was confirmed, all I did was cry in absolute terror every night. Debating aborting, or keeping with the high possibility that I or it would die. "We" decided before I even saw the doctor that I wanted a medically required abortion. (I had a wonderfully supportive husband) Doc agreed, and after it was done, I found I was relieved. (look down at me or not, it was the right decision for us)

It also helped that after 3 years of requests. I finally got to talk with a social worker specializing in traumatic deliveries. I didn't realise how much of the fear and anger I still held towards the hospital and the pregnancy in general until I started talking about it and taking her advise with writing letters to myself, the hospital, my husband, and my daughter about the events. Those letters and someone to talk to are beginning to let me heal as I get out all the emotions. So next time we have a planned pregnancy I'll be emotionally ready for whatever the outcome there is. Maybe you should let your husband do the same, voice his fears and concerns in letters and let him know that they are important too.

My little bit of personal insight. I hope you make the right decision for the both of you.