This year has been a bit different then birthdays in the past. We are far away from all family, so it's been a little more intimate and "grown-up". The emotions aren't quite as raw as in years past. The emotions are different. My little baby is growing up and I'm so happy and sad at the same time! What's a mommy to do? :-) I've shed only a few tears tonight after singing to her and putting her to bed (and now typing this).
I have mommy guilt, and survivor guilt for both of us. I have guilt for not being as patient as I should be with my little sensory girl, and for not setting aside as much time for her - but I suppose we all wish we had more time. But I'm so, so proud of her in so many ways. She is the light of my life.
I'm just so very grateful that I saw the back of her bald, pink head when they finished reviving her and took her from my bed to the isolette. I had a great sense of relief that all was going to be ok in the end. And it is. I remember the torture of not being able to see her, or have control over what was going on. It has forever changed my life.
I registered her at the new pediatrician today (since we recently moved), and filling out all the paperwork brought back some of the deeper embedded memories - not to mention it's her birthday. I wasn't sure I'd have enough lines following the question "Were there any problems with the pregnancy or birth"...but here we are. In one piece. As healthy as you could hope to be. And another year older...and sassier.