For all of you moms'.........................

[atvlady]

I set here on the couch and read these posts. How depressing they can be but yall know what........what survivors we are! We are true survivors! When I had pre-e and was in the hospital, I didn't know if I was going to live or die. For those of us that has experienced loss.....we have endured a life altering event that has both physical and mental effects' on each of us all of our lives. And it not only stops there. It goes to some of us being nervous about our health, I have heard some say they are now hypocondriacts (but how could you not be after dealing with these syndromes!), have had some say they would never get pregnant again, and the list goes on.
So I just want to say THANK YOU and I want to wrap my arms around each of you and say thank you for being the strong person you are. It may not seem like we are strong but we are! We still get up in the mornings though it can be hard, go to work, come home and get supper ready, tend to the family and husband's, go to bed and get back up the next morning and the cycle starts over. I just hate it when people say to me...you look like you are handling it well. I always tell them that I only *look* that way but really I am P***** that our daughter died and I almost did and that pre-e has made me a nervous WRECK adn that my smile is fake, it is just there to hide my pain. But then ladies, I think of how our little girl struggled for an hour and 20 minutes to live, to breath with no lungs. That little Barbie sized baby girl of mine showed me a true meaning of being a fighter. I now have taken her strength to heart and her inspiration. We are now TTC and am excited cause I want to be able to give my hubbster children, even if one and I want our kid(s) to learn about big sister, Darren. Pre-e changed my life for the worse but Darren changed it for the better. She made me a mom, something that none other has. One child makes you a mom, another makes you a better mom and my experince with all this has made me smarter and more in tune to my pregnancy(ies).

In the end, this Saturday, Halloween day, would have been the day Darren would have been born on. She will always be my pumpkin. None other will take her place. She will always have a place in my heart, mind, body and soul. I wish all of you the absolute best in life and good pregnancy outcomes, if you have more. I am not puting my life and my chances of having a baby because pre-e put me in these shoes. Pre-e will no longer run my life....I will! Each of you has helped in every way, I thank each of you for that. All of you have gave me hope some has gave me tears and some has inspired me but one thing is true about all of us....we are TRUE survivors! If you think about the little research and funds available for it, lack of proper diagnosis with pre-e we have truely beat the odds at life for both mother and baby. There isn't just one life at stake, it is 2. Ladies I luv each of ya....thanks for your help and keep the hope alive that our childrens generation will not have to endure the life long pain we have in us. It is horrible to be in these shoes but good to know there is us who has been through this to give each support to.

I write this in honor of our daughter birth and death, Rissa-Janelle Darren King. We will hold a memorial Saturday for her. This will start a once a year event. It is the start of Darren's Promise.....the promise to make a difference.

Thank you Ladies....WE ARE SURVIVORS!

[annes]

Thanks, Delissa, you are so right! Hugs to you.

[mellybute]

Delissa, I will say a little prayer for you and Darren on Halloween! I will be thinking of you! You are a strong lady, even if you have to fake the smile sometimes. We all do. BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!

[amanda]

Delissa -
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hopes that your memorial brings you comfort and peace.
You are right - you *are* a strong lady and the others are too.

Have you read Elizabeth Edwards latest book? I have a friend who lost her little girl this year and she read it and said that it was inpiring to read how she (Elizabeth) helped keep her son alive and how she moved through her grief. One thing she said was that (and I am so sure this took time for her to get to this place) was to remember that her son loved his family and that by not living he wouldn't be living on either. That if she stopped living then her memories would die too.

I'm not sure that helps - I *so* hope that it does.
Thinking of you today.

[atvlady]

Thanks Amanda. I am writing a book as well. I have a local publisher that is going to do my book for me. When he read a outline of my book, he took his glasses off and cried his eyes out. He said hisself "I don't see how you women do this stuff and are so incredibly strong." I am also writing a sequel in my following pregnancies. I just hope my book gives one woman comfort and to let her know she is not the first and last and is NOT alone and that it is okay to grieve and that her/our pain will last a lifetime. I think, from the women I have talked to locally, that they feel they are alone and ask me how did I find out I had pre-e, I tell them I didn't find out until it was too late. I find that other women's strength helps me but what amazes me about myself is my ability to deal with all the loss I have had since 2003. I will make it short and sweet so those of you who read this can understand why my life is H*** right now. Lost my mom in 2003 to leukemia (I watched her suffer for 16 months, a slow agonizing death). Suffered physical and mental abuse from my first husband, got rid of him, got remarried, found out he was a federal felon,I had NO idea until they showed up looking for him, got remarried to my current hubby (he is my WORLD and BEST FRIEND!), I had to have my best little doggie put to sleep (RIP Sandy), hubby and I had 2 miscarriages, then on top of all this, my hubby is a truck driver and a guy ran out in front of his truck and committed suicide (my poor hubby) and NOW Darren and my dad is in poor health. <SIGH> so my life has been H*** I don't understand how I am able to deal with all this but somehow I do. Women are amazing.

[wrennie]

Delissa, your out look is wonderful and I think its great that you share it here. I totally agree with you, we are survivors and I feel stronger more in tune with my life since losing Elodie. I would change it if I could, sure, but having her in my life (even if just in my belly) really did teach me so much more than I ever knew. And, it has made me the person I am today. I miss and love Elodie so much, but I keep her memory in my heart, she will always be with me. Looking forward and having hope does not mean we forget, it allows us to live for love again and thats what we should do, there is only so much time. And PE should not have any control of that!

Sending you big hugs, you have so much strength and its great to see that in the midst of all your life struggles. I am glad you are writing a book, I have wanted to do the same...but I struggle with the words! best of luck on it!

[amaara]

Delissa, I am very sorry about your loss. I know that today was hard. *hugs* and *blessings to you and your family.

~~Amaara

[atvlady]

Thanks to all of you. Yesterday, Halloween day was a very sad and slow day for us. We tried to get our minds off of what the meaning of that day is for now on but always kept finding ourselves getting caught up in the true meaning. We did hold a memorial for her and it was eventful. We had a really odd thing to happen there and some of the women busted out crying when it happened. I kept black and orange candles lit all day and melted them down to a multilayered one candle that is in a Ball jar. I am puting that in her keepsake box.
I now find myself on today November 1 at the forks in the road tyring to figure out which road to take. I think it is time for me to pick me and my family up and move forward. Life isn't going to wait on me and pre-e certainly isn't either. And as of Halloween day, I officialy launch Darren's Promise.
Again, thank you all.

[annes]

It is going to sound trite, but you really can move forward without leaving Darren behind. I am glad you had a memorial, the candles sound lovely.