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I'm Afraid to See His Face

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I'm Afraid to See His Face

Postby riehlism » Thu Jul 15, 2010 06:54 pm

by riehlism (655 Posts), Thu Jul 15, 2010 06:54 pm

When I had to deliver our baby boy, my husband and I chose not to see him. We didn't think we could handle it. It really wouldn't have made too much of a difference in my case. I was higher than a kite on the morphine, mag, and who knows what else I was on.

The hospital gave us a memory box. In it are his pictures, his footprints, and his baby beenie. We haven't been able to bring ourselves to look inside the box. Our parents have seen it, but we haven't. I don't feel ready to see it. At the same time, who is ever ready to see your baby who has passed?

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Re : I'm Afraid to See His Face

Postby jmr122 » Thu Jul 15, 2010 07:50 pm

by jmr122 (19 Posts), Thu Jul 15, 2010 07:50 pm

I am so sorry about your loss. I also lost my baby January 14, 2010 at 18 weeks 4 days to Preeclampsia and class I HELLP Syndrome. I did not see him either as I was taken into surgery after he was born. My husband took care of seeing him and had him baptized. We also were sent home with a memory box and I was not able to look at a picture of him until I came to the point that I was ready to see him. No one can rush you into it, and you will know when you are ready. Give yourself time, you have been through so much and everyone on the site here is wonderful and will understand what you are going through. I made a decision with myself that I would look at a few of his pictures on the day he was due, which was June 10, 2010. It took everything out of me but I was so happy after I had seen him. I know how hard it is, but you now have your very own angel watching over you.....
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Re : I'm Afraid to See His Face

Postby frogibe » Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:07 pm

by frogibe (327 Posts), Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:07 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. My situation is a bit different but I totally understand not wanting to look at the pictures. My daughter was born 1-10-10 and was thriving for a 2lb. preemie! Sadly she passed away at 5 weeks old due to NEC. We took many pictures while she was in the NICU and I have no problem seeing those great memories....in fact I have them displayed in the house. I do have a few pictures of her after she passed from the hospital and ended up packing them away with her belongings...I cannot bear to look at them. I want to remember her the way she was when she was with us. Hugs! I hope that you find peace and strength during this difficult time. Be easy with yourself!
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Re : I'm Afraid to See His Face

Postby annes » Fri Jul 16, 2010 11:16 am

by annes (2527 Posts), Fri Jul 16, 2010 11:16 am

Jasmin, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. Take your time, when you are ready to look at the memory box, you will know. My son lived for four days, so I got to spend some time with him and take pictures of him myself. We keep a picture of him in our living room and it is very comforting to me. While I love the memory box the hospital put together, I do not look at it a lot, it is very emotional. These are still early days for you, only do what you feel you can handle. take care of yourself.
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Re : I'm Afraid to See His Face

Postby wrennie » Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:01 pm

by wrennie (1019 Posts), Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:01 pm

hugs to you. I am so sorry. Take your time. I remember having pictures of Elodie on a table in our study. I couldnt even walk by the room. Slowly, very slowly, I was able to look at her pics. I did hold her after she was born. It was very hard to see the pictures and not lose it every time. But, now they do offer comfort...its almost been 3 years. So, be gentle with yourself and only do what feels right when it feels right. hugs.
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Re : I'm Afraid to See His Face

Postby beth11 » Tue Jul 20, 2010 10:01 am

by beth11 (202 Posts), Tue Jul 20, 2010 10:01 am

I am so, so sorry for your loss, and I agree with everyone above. We also choose to not see our babies when they were born - everyone at the hospital, including our families, tried to talk us in to it, but it was best for ust at the time and I am still at peace with that decision now.

We did look at their photographs at some point once we got home. . . It might have been a month later, honestly. For me, I couldn't *not* looking, knowing they were there. My husband was not so ready. We agreed to wait until we both wanted to - then we spent some time with their memory boxes. . .

I still go back and look at their photos from time to time; my husband does not. I'll be honest, it takes some time to get used to them and find the beauty there. I wanted to "push through" :) and get to that point; he didn't/ doesn't feel the need to. It was hard for me to understand that, but each person has to do what works best for them. Don't rush yourself, and be gentle on yourself.

One suggestion - it was hard for us to not have something we felt comfortable looking at regularly and making "public", so we framed their little footprints. It's a tangible reminder of them that we're comfortable displaying in our home. Just thought you might enjoy the same. ((Hugs)) honey.
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Re : I'm Afraid to See His Face

Postby riehlism » Tue Jul 20, 2010 02:22 pm

by riehlism (655 Posts), Tue Jul 20, 2010 02:22 pm

Thank you all so much for sharing. We opened the box yesterday. He was so small. He was very blue because he was so cyanotic from lack of oxygen. But there it was. My chin and my mouth looking back at me. His nose was a mix of both mine and my husband's. Beth, thank you for the suggestion. I think I will do the same for son. I would like to have his footprints at the house.
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Re : I'm Afraid to See His Face

Postby wrennie » Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:00 pm

by wrennie (1019 Posts), Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:00 pm

Jasmin, so glad you were able to take this step. Its hard, I imagine it will always be hard. At the same time, you will always be his mother and no one can take that away. I am sorry you have to love him from afar, its not fair. hugs!
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