Hate feeling this way

[Lee Ann]

Boy today as been just an emotional day. I get up some mornings and feel so empty inside and today was one of them. I was hoping that I was pregnant but I found out yesterday than I am not. I think that is part of my problem. I want to have another baby and I have been trying for 8 months. I am so frustrated right now. I told my husband that I just feel like giving up. That somedays it just feels like to much to deal with. Then I get angry because I lost my little girl and I should be taking care of her now...but I am not.

I listened to a lady at work today talk about taking care of her 4 month old to another woman. What a weird situation to be in. Didn't want to be there listening but I was stuck there. It just made me feel so very sad and alone at that moment. No one at work knows what this is like. I feel like someone on the outside looking in and wishing and hoping that I could experience what so many mothers get to experience. Some days I just hate my life. I hate that my life turned out this way. Then of course I think why does everything always happen to me? I know that a lot of us on these forums have lost their little ones. It just hurts and I just can't stand feeling like this.

[kerisue]

I have felt like that too Lee Ann. I also lost a little girl. I haven't started to try again yet, but have started to prepare to try in the Spring and I think the same thing- I shouldn't be doing this, I should be taking care of my newborn! It's baby mania at work and that's very difficult for me too. I know the ladies deserve their joy, but I do wish sometimes they wouldn't talk about it around me. When all my mom friends on facebook were posting about their group pumpkin patch trips, it was like another stab to the heart. I think "why me?" A man in my grief group lost his parents at 8 yrs. old and lost his newborn son and he said that he asked himself "why me again?" but then said, "why not me? everything else has happened to me!" That has stuck in my head. None of it makes any sense. I know these low, hopeless days can come at any time, but I hope that you are feeling more positive tomorrow.

[angieb]

Trying again after losing your baby is definitely tough. It took us about 9 months, about 5 of which I was on fairly aggressive fertility treatments (after it took 1.5 years to conceive our Olivia, there was no way I was willing to wait it out a year.) There were definitely bad months of TTC where a failed cycle sent me spiraling back into hardcore grief and though it sounds dramatic, it felt like losing another baby or Olivia all over again.

(You also named your daughter Olivia, right?)

I really like the book "Trying Again"(After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant loss)http://product.half.ebay.com/Trying-Again_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ1747473, it's by the same people who wrote Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I confess I haven't read the pregnancy part yet, but I found the TTC again part extremely helpful.

Big hugs to you and I hope you get pregnant again soon.

[preemomof2]

Lee, I feel the same way. My due date is 11/22/10. So my daughter would have been home for thanksgiving. Its my favorite holiday. I have decided to go away to california to be away from my family. I just can bear being around family without mybaby girl. l

[Lee Ann]

Thanks everyone. I do feel better today. Yes, I did name my daughter Olivia too. She passed away in Sept 2009. At times it still feels like yesterday though. I also feel the same as some of you when after every month of trying I get a negative pregnancy result. It makes me grieve the loss of my daughter that much more. I can't help but think that I might not become a mother again and that thought just crushes me. My OB said wait a year but then what? She already told me she would not want me to have in-vitro and she recommends that I adopt if it comes to that. So, it just gets to be very depressing. My husband told me this morning to try and stay positive and I am trying to be. So, maybe next month. We will just have to wait and see. Thanks again for the words of encouragement. It is so good to know that I am not the only one (even if it feels like it) who has these feelings. That's why I am thankful I can talk to other women who know what this feels like .....even though I do wish that we did not. Thanks ladies!

[angieb]

I thought so. Our stories are so similar. Our Olivia was born and died in Sept. 2009 also, at 23+2, though she only lived about 20 minutes so didn't do any NICU time.

About trying again, first, they'll need to do some testing to try to figure out why you haven't gotten pregnant...like are you ovulating, what are your hormone levels, test your hubby's sperm, etc. In many cases, it can be an easy fix. There are still lots of options between fertility treatments and IVF. I was on medicine to help me ovulate, they were closely monitoring me to make sure there weren't too many eggs being released, and we ended up doing an IUI (insemination-which is as easy as a pap smear) the cycle I got pregnant just because I was getting so frustrated with failed cycles, I wanted to be more aggressive. I did discuss the possibility of needing IVF with two different MFM's, and while they preferred for me to hopefully get pregnant without that, they both were okay with it. So...I don't know that I would necessarily listen to that OB. (Especially if she's making you try for a year, that's pretty crappy. I mean, it's standard, but considering you've had a loss and everything, there's no reason they can't do basic hormone testing and stuff now. You might want to seriously consider getting an opinion from another doctor. If you've had 6 cycles of ovulating and well-timed intercourse (at least a couple times in your fertile period), there is no reason for making you continue to try without doing some simple bloodwork tests, etc. at least that's my opinion on that.)

I'm glad you are having a better day today. Hang in there.

[Lee Ann]

You raise some very good points. Although, I wonder if my age has anything to do with it? I am 35 and I know it can take longer to get pregnant. My OB wants me to eat all natural foods and loose about 10% of my weight. I have lost about 5 lbs but I am getting frustrated with the whole diet thing too. So, I think I will just e-mail or call the office to see if there is anything else that can be done. That way I will at least feel like I am trying to do everything I can. Thanks for the advice!

[angieb]

If you are 35+ then the standard rule is actually 6 months of trying before they should start doing testing, so your OB is definitely not being aggressive enough. (For women under 35 then the standard rule is a year, but again, there's no reason you HAVE to wait a year or even 6 full months for testing. My ob tested me when we were TTC the first time, after just 3 months, because my cycles were very irregular, even though I was only 24 and had only been trying 3 months. My insurance has covered all testing with no problem even when it hasn't been a year.) Here's one link that specifically mentions the 6 month vs. 1 year "rule"...I've seen this multiple places and from multiple doctors, though...http://www.babycenter.com.sg/preconception/suspectingaproblem/whenseegp/

If you're under 35 and have had frequent (about two or three times a week) unprotected sex for at least a year without conceiving (or six months if you're 35 or older), you may want to make an appointment with your GP.

I can see why they don't want you to do IVF, because IVF in itself is a risk factor for PE, and with your history as a risk factor, and then age as a risk factor, and add the strong possibility of multiples also with IVF...that gets to be a lot of risk factors. BUT, there's no reason they can't test you for issues and start you on basic fertility treatments (usually just meds to start), if necessary. Many people with infertility issues are able to conceive without resorting to IVF, so definitely do not feel like you have no options, we are lucky to live in a time when there are actually a lot of options for fertility treatments and many of them aren't outrageously expensive.