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What do I say/What can I do

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

What do I say/What can I do

Postby bernadic » Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:15 pm

by bernadic (108 Posts), Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:15 pm

Hi ladies. I need some advice and don't know which place to post so I am posting here. I met my friend 4 years ago in the NICU. Our boys were there for 3 months and were crib side neighbors. Our families became very close and we were great preemie support for each other and we all remained great friends upon leaving the NICU. She went on to have another preemie son 1.5 years ago at 26 weeks. I was a very strong support for her as she relived the NICU scene. She became pregnant with baby #3 this summer and just lost him at 27 weeks due to a placental abruption and a ruptured uterus. I have not yet spoken to her, just emails as this has just happened. What do I say, what can I do? Thanks for your help!
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Re: What do I say/What can I do

Postby blythe » Sat Nov 27, 2010 10:09 am

by blythe (3060 Posts), Sat Nov 27, 2010 10:09 am

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. All our moms are amazing, but since our redesign we're slowly rebuilding the community. I've moved your post here to the Grief and Loss area. I hope you'll get more responses here.
Heather, mom to
#1 7-18-03 - 5#8oz 37 weeks PE/PIH
#2 8-11-06 - 6#14oz 37 weeks PE/PIH
#3 9-10-09 - 5#10oz 37 weeks PE/PIH
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Re: What do I say/What can I do

Postby kerisue » Sat Nov 27, 2010 11:40 am

by kerisue (623 Posts), Sat Nov 27, 2010 11:40 am

Wow, she's had a tough time of it. Two preemies and an abruption? Did she have PE with any of them? (I recently read a study that said that women who've had PE once are at a higher risk for other negative pregnancy outcomes in future pregnancies even if they don't get PE again)
A couple suggestions for you- if you know her well don't ask what you can do to help, just do it. After my baby died it just took too much effort to think about what I needed and ask for it, I needed people to just do it. also, listen to her. one of the people who's been the best for me after Millie would just talk with me and ask me lots of questions about her and the experience and she would just listen.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: What do I say/What can I do

Postby rosemary » Sat Nov 27, 2010 12:15 am

by rosemary (2360 Posts), Sat Nov 27, 2010 12:15 am

I have to agree with Keri, just be there for her, especially in the weeks and months to come. If she's out of the hospital, perhaps take dinner to her and her family. If there is a service, and it's not private, be there if you are able. Your friend will be grateful to just know that she has a friend like you to count on. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dear friend.
Rosemary - 47 - Central, PA
Momma to Kayleigh 8/25/88 - 36 weeks
Elliott 8/29/04 - lost at 20 weeks due to severe PE/HELLP
Proud Grandma to Max Allen 10/19/10.
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Re: What do I say/What can I do

Postby bernadic » Sat Nov 27, 2010 01:21 pm

by bernadic (108 Posts), Sat Nov 27, 2010 01:21 pm

Thanks ladies. She didn't have PE, she just went into labor early, contractions started at 22 weeks and she lasted about a month on meds and bed rest. I like the idea of doing the dinner thing-maybe just making a few meals and taking them to her; gift cards to restaurants also came to mind. I know the holidays are coming, do I offer to help with shopping or the decorating? I know that she won't be in the mood, but her 2 little boys need to celebrate as they don't understand what the family is going through. Words cannot express how sorry I am for her and her family. It has brought me to tears many times thinking of her. Thanks again!
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Re: What do I say/What can I do

Postby sam10 » Sat Nov 27, 2010 05:59 pm

by sam10 (1437 Posts), Sat Nov 27, 2010 05:59 pm

I am so sorry to hear that your friend lost her baby!
After I lost Henry the most helpful thing was the food that people brought to my house for a few weeks. It helped so much, because shopping for food and cooking is the last thing on your mind when you are grieving. It might also be helpful to babysit her children. If you do not know what to say to her, just tell her that! I find it easier if people honestly tell me that they have no words and give me a hug instead.
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
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Re: What do I say/What can I do

Postby bernadic » Sat Nov 27, 2010 06:12 pm

by bernadic (108 Posts), Sat Nov 27, 2010 06:12 pm

Good point Sam. I have no real words for her but just sadness. Hugs and love are the best support! Thanks.
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Re: What do I say/What can I do

Postby karinna » Mon Nov 29, 2010 07:00 am

by karinna (1 Posts), Mon Nov 29, 2010 07:00 am

there really are no words to say to someone at a time like this. Sorry is about all you can say. no words will take away the pain and heartbreak that your friend is experiencing. I remember reading a passage from Job, he was suffering terribly and his friends came to be with him. They never said one word to him for about 7 days. Their presence was enough. Just be there for her, helping with activities of daily living would be good. When I lost my baby girl at 22 weeks from PE (9/20/10) i didn't even want to eat for weeks. If it wasn't for my family and friends bringing food I most likely would have starved to death. When I was pregnant, i loved eating ice cream and drinking milkshakes and was a major foodie in general. Now, blech. Good friends are hard to find, the little things will mean alot.
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Re: What do I say/What can I do

Postby lucy » Sun Dec 19, 2010 06:18 pm

by lucy (4706 Posts), Sun Dec 19, 2010 06:18 pm

I absolutely agree with the other ladies, the biggest and most important thing is being there for her, it can make all the difference in the world having support.
Mom of 4 living, 2 angels. www.myforeverangels.com
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