Anxiety

[cmccaffrey]

How have you women done in that realm since losing your little one? I am in a constant state of fear and always thinking about how I am going to die. I think it doesn't help the fact that I had a DVT and now everything is even more uncertain than just preeclampsia. I am seeing a therapist and she has given me a lot of tools to help, but I am just curious how you guys are doing and what has helped you most?

[sam10]

The first 9 months after PE and loosing Henry I was in constant fear and had panic attacks. I also developed fear of flying. I thought I'd never get rid of that fear. I, also have been seen a therapist since and it has helped. The most helpful thing for me has been the realization that fear is a feeling/emotion with a beginning, middle, and end and that the fear in itself does not influence the outcome of any giving situation. The world moves on regardless of how I feel. So I tried to feel differently and tried to discipline my thoughts and fears. After I had realized that I am still here and breathing, the fear started diminishing slowly. I also gave myself permission to be frightened and not run from it.
I hope you'll find ways to help reduce your anxiety.

[riehlism]

My husband and I saw a grief counselor as well. Then we saw her separately because we seem to process the events of the delivery, and our son's birth and death differently. Our counselor suggested we purchase a book, which had weekly activities for us to work on regarding our grief.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/006168 ... WZRCEZKDSB

The book, our grief counselor, and being in constant conversation with my husband helped us pull through the harshness of it all. This site, and learning about preeclampisa, HELLP, and educating myself has also been empowering and helpful in planning for another child with confidence.

[holly3372@msn.com]

Ugh,yes the fear.The fear is there still just not as much as before. I have started yoga,walking and getting regular massages. This has for sure helped me greatly with anxiety taking over. I know it's so hard for us after our loss,but all these things can help. Love to you,u are not alone

[cmccaffrey]

Thank you for all of your words. I am in the works of finding different activities to "distract" myself, so to speak. Before preeclampsia, my loss and DVT I was a completely different person. Now some days just seem so grey. That is the only explanation I have for this anxious feeling. But then out of nowhere I will walk out of the gray and into the sunlight, then I can finally get through the day without quite as much fear. I guess I have to just keep going strong on those good days and hopefully they will come more frequently and outweigh the bad days. For the past few months I have been making a conscious effort to do more things for myself like take up running and go to yoga five days a week, which have really boosted my mood... even my therapist says she has noticed a dramatic change in my personality. I guess more of my old self is becoming apparent, but man... sometimes I feel like curling up in a ball in the corner because I am afraid to move at all. I am relieved to know I am not the only one who has experienced this feelings....I sometimes feel like no one understands and so then it's even harder to deal with everything.

[kerisue]

Strangely enough, I haven't felt any fear for myself. None at all. I know that I'll be watched so closely in a future pregnancy that I would never get sick enough to die- they'd make me deliver before that point just like they did last time. But I've been feeling everything else you could feel after losing a baby- deep sadness, guilt, anger, resentment, bitterness... fortunately I don't feel all of those all of the time. It's a very up and down thing, good days and bad. A monthly grief group with other parents who've lost infants, this website, and doing research about preeclampsia have helped me the most.

[flori]

I'm with Kerisue. I don't fear for myself during a subsequent pregnancy. My doctors and husband were adamant that I deliver Gracie, despite me begging them to let me wait and I know that the same will happen next time. I do feel the anger, resentment, bitterness, and guilt though. I think another reason I don't worry about myself though is because I'm not really scared of dying anymore. Losing Gracie has left me numb to the idea of death.

Christa, I also understand the feelings of anxiety. I told my husband recently that I feel like we're about to receive bad news or something terrible is going to happen (even though the worst thing imaginable has already happened). I feel the way I did in the two weeks before Gracie died, when we found out about the IUGR and placental issues. It's kind of like there is a knot in my stomach and I'm scared to breathe too deeply. Maybe it's anxiety of the unknown of life itself.

As for things that have helped me heal, (please keep in mind that I am very early in my journey so I might not be the best to answer this), I started attending online chat sessions for bereaved parents. I'm not quite ready for in person grief sessions yet, but the online thing has been a nice way to get my feet wet. I have also read quite a few books about baby loss. However, I think the biggest thing for me so far has been reading fellow blm blogs. Everyone deals with this pain differently and seeing that you can get through it (never over it), no matter how you deal with it all, has helped me see that I'll get there eventually.