This stupid guilt

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

This stupid guilt

Postby flori » Wed Apr 20, 2011 02:08 pm

Hi everyone. When will I get over this guilt? I woke up early this morning and ended up in tears thinking about all of the things that we could have done differently, wondering if doing those things differently would have saved Gracie.

The biggest thing I've been killing myself with is wondering if I should have gone on hospital bedrest. Dh and I opted to have me rest at home when we found out she had IUGR and placenta issues. He did everything for me. I was hardly up on my feet, only to shower and use the bathroom. I keep thinking, what if I had just been hospitalized then? Would it have saved her? Would it somehow have kept my liver enzymes from going up? Would I not have had protein in my urine? Could they have monitored me more closely and kept me pregnant longer? Would demanding steroids have made the difference?

I'm so mad at myself.
Flori, 30
Mommy to Gracie- born at 25 weeks 03/15/11, 11 inches, 1.1lbs, and absolutely beautiful. Became my sweet angel the next day.
flori
Registered User
 
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 06:21 pm
Location: Hawaii

Re: This stupid guilt

Postby kerisue » Wed Apr 20, 2011 04:37 pm

I still struggle with feelings of guilt (mostly surrounding if I'd only been healthier when I got pregnant would that have made a difference). But I don't think you should beat yourself up about the bed rest at all. The research is pretty inconclusive about how much, if any, bedrest helps. Your illness probably began long before you were put on bedrest. Some MFM specialists don't prescribe it at all. I was put on bedrest just a few days before I delivered and wasn't as strict about it as you were. I have been assured by a very well known MFM specialist that that had NOTHING to do with the progression of my disease.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
User avatar
kerisue
Forum Moderator
 
Posts: 623
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:43 pm

Re: This stupid guilt

Postby frogibe » Wed Apr 20, 2011 07:04 pm

I think everyone has gone through the guilt running through us. It is normal to feel guilty. All you wanted was your baby to be happy and healthy and to have no control over a situation is hard. Try to remember that there is nothing you could do in that situation...hospital bed rest does nothing for most of us. I was on bed rest for 7 days and still had my daughter at 28 weeks. Your going to have days or nights or even mornings when you feel this way. I am pregnant with my second and still lay in bed thinking and replaying moments with my daughter. I truly think it is part of the grieving process and we just have to go through it. Hugs;)
Jennifer(27) Chronic Hypertensive
mommy to Kelsie born 1-10-10 from severe pre-e and HELLP at 28wks.
grew her wings on 2-14-10 due to NEC.
and to Josephine born 8-4-11 at 35wks. due to low amniotic fluid, but PE and HELLP FREE!!!! I kicked PRE-E in the behind!!!!!
Surprise! We are expecting #3 in April 2013
User avatar
frogibe
Registered User
 
Posts: 327
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 10:57 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: This stupid guilt

Postby riehlism » Wed Apr 20, 2011 09:21 pm

Guilt. That's a tough one. I struggled with that a lot over the first few months. I was plagued with what-ifs. I believe it's a natural process for grief--placing blame for something catastrophic. My husband kept reminding me that there was nothing to be done. No doctor could have stopped it, no diet, and no amount of bed rest could have helped the situation. I was in the hospital for over a week on bed rest being monitored constantly. No matter what they did, my BP kept creeping up.

I think the hardest part of grief has to do with acceptance. Accepting your child is gone. Accepting that no matter how you slice it, there's no real way of preventing what happened. Accepting that no matter how small the feeling may seem years from now, there will always be a sense of loss and want.

I hope you will get to the level of acceptance in your grieving process.
Jasmin: Severe PE/HELLP and delivered at 24+6 & PCOS (29) Hubby Bubby, Frank (29)
Baby Blue stopped in to say hello and goodbye on 6/3/10
Baby Lucas was born on 10/13/11, PE and HELLP-free! Thank you baby aspirin and Lovenox
http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-calendar.php?id=18192
User avatar
riehlism
Registered User
 
Posts: 655
Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 03:57 pm
Location: Reseda, CA

Re: This stupid guilt

Postby holly3372@msn.com » Wed Apr 20, 2011 09:38 pm

I go back and forth with guilt too. I think should I have eaten more of this or less of that,stopped working,realized the signs on and on. I know I did all that I knew at the time to do. I ate right or at least thought I did,ent to prenantal yoga,slept plenty,cut my work load in half,when to my doc appts,took my vitamins......still I got so sick so fast,still Benjamin was born at 26 weeks,still we watched him fight for his life for 4 months in that nicu,still we lost him. I am easier with myself lately,we have no other children and april 28th would have been his 1st birthday. We want to try again once his bday has passed. I know I have to stop blaming myself too,it's not easy the guilt. You are not alone. xoxo
Benjamin Spider Reeves born 4-28-2010( 1lb 6oz 26 weeks to severe pre-e and Iugr) we lost you after 4 long months in the NICU. You fought so hard,and were so brave.Our first baby .We miss you everyday and love you forever xo

Expecting ,dreaming, and hoping for our baby Girl sometime in January 2013
holly3372@msn.com
Registered User
 
Posts: 478
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2010 02:03 am

Re: This stupid guilt

Postby uncskristy » Thu Apr 21, 2011 02:14 pm

The overwhelming guilt does get better with time although I can't say that it will really go away completely. It has taken me a long time to accept this but PE is a disease that no one can control. Bedrest helps the BP a tad but won't improve the liver and kidney function problems. I was on Hospital Bedrest for 4 days. My BP was a tad high the day I was hospitalized and dropped down to high 130s while on bedrest. The bleeding from the placenta tear stopped and everything was looking good until the fourth day when the steroids stopped masking what was really going on with my kidneys and liver. None of us need to blame ourselves for what happened.
Kristy
Mommy of Three Boys- Davis 10/4/2007(No PE, overbaked at 40wks, 2 days),
Cooper 5/20/2010-5/21/2010 (born too early at 24wks, 2 days due to severe PE) and
Blaine 10/11/11 (35wks, 6 days, mild but quick moving PE)
Wife to Matthew since 6/11/2005
uncskristy
Registered User
 
Posts: 170
Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2010 11:24 am
Location: North Carolina


Return to Grief and Loss

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: mamc2003 and 2 guests