by melodi (141 Posts), Wed Apr 27, 2011 07:56 am
Torday it is 3 years since my little baby girl passed away. She was called Ana and was born prematurely at 26 weeks due to preeclampsia and HELLP. I had her after being in intensive care for almost 4 weeks. Suddenly all my tests went crazy and they had to do an emergency c-section. I was awake during the procedure and my little baby girl CRIED when they took her out. Image, she was not even 1/2 kg (not sure what it is in pounds) but she had the force to cry out with a strong voice. It was heartbreaking, I knew her chances were so small to survive. After she was born I was too scared to go and see her, but on the second day I agreed to let my husband wheel me up to the premature ward. She was the smallest baby there - I have never seen anything so tiny in my life. The doctors presuaded me to start pumping my breasts so they could try feeding her the first milk. I was filled with hope, but it did not last very long. The following morning she died. There was nothing they could do for her. It was completely unreal - how could life be so cruel? I only got to hold her after she was dead. I sat with her in my arms - my tiny lifeless baby who would never be with me. We said good bye with a beautiful funeral service for her - just my husband and myself and a priest. And we spread her ashes over the sea while playing beautiful music and spreading rose leaves on the water. Loosing my beautiful Ana now hurts less and less. But now it is just mummy and daddy who remember that you had a name, that you were a beautiful baby girl. The rest of the world goes on as if nothing happened, as if you never existed. Today I am hurting so much again. I just wanted to share my story and tell my baby that I will never forget her. My darling Ana, mummy and daddy will love you forever.