Heartbroken without Andy

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Heartbroken without Andy

Postby jeanny_zrp » Fri Apr 29, 2011 01:43 pm

When me and my husband decided to get pregnant it happened in no time at all, I am 34 years old and no one in my family had ever suffered preeclampsia. During my pregnancy I experienced no nausea at all and other than feeling sleepy the first trimester I actually felt very well. I had attended my doctor checkups every month and everything looked normal. Andy was developing normally and we were thrilled about having a baby boy. Mid February 2011 I went to my medical checkup and everything was just right; my blood pressure was 100/60 as I always had it and I was 22 weeks pregnant.

The following two weeks I started feeling tired again and I had experienced a bit of headaches. I thought it was pretty normal because I had bit more stress at work and I thought that my headaches and feeling tired were due to that. My clothes felt tighter than usual and I thought it was time to go buy maternity clothes. I went with a friend to try on different outfits and as I looked at myself in the mirror I saw myself so fat. I know that most women feel so fat and unattractive when pregnant and for me it wasn't any different. My face looked puffy and I disliked what I saw in the mirror, I just thought I should take a closer look at what I was eating and watch my weight more closely.

Sunday February 27th I went to bed feeling extremely tired and with a bigger headache, I took some Iboprofen and went to sleep. Then next morning I went to work feeling so tired... but as I mentioned before, I was under pressure at work, so I didn't think anything was wrong. Tuesday morning when I woke up I had a nose bleed. My husband asked me to lie down until the nosebleed stopped. I couldn't miss work that day either so as soon as my nosebleed stopped I got ready to go to work. Mid morning my husband called me (as he usually did) to see how I was feeling, but this time he asked me to go to the infermery and have my blood pressure checked. My husband is a doctor and I guess he got a bad feeling something was happening to me, I guess he suspected preeclampsia. When I took my blood pressure it was 160/100, and by the time he arrived to pick me up at work to rush me to the hospital it was already 180/110. When we arrived at the hospital my blood pressure had risen to 200/120!! My vision was blurry and I had a major head ache, but oddly I didn't feel that my life or my baby's life was at risk. I thought they would give me medicine to control my blood pressure an everything would be taken care of.

Sadly, the following day I didn't feel Andy move any more, my blood pressure was under control, so I thought, but things weren't going well. The radiologist took me to an ecosonogram. We could hear Andy's heart beat, but the doctor was very silent, that was when I knew things could go terribly wrong. Andy had not developed as he should in the last two weeks. Although he was 24 weeks he was the size of a 22 week old baby and the doctor explained that the levels of omniotic fluid had decreased.

I spent the following week at the hospital and on Wednesday March 2nd I was induced to labor. Andy was born on Thursday but he did not make it. I had been diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome, and as it appears and I had begun with symptoms right after my checkup. It really never occurred to me that anything was wrong when everything had appeared to be so right. I had to leave the hospital so sad, heartbroken, without my baby, my breast hurting from the milk I was producing and with no one to be fed.

Today two months after all this happened I am still taking medication to control my blood pressure, but the doctor had been lowering my dosis. They expect me to be off medication in about a month. When I think of my baby, there is still a big hole in my heart and in my soul. It breaks my heart when I see other pregnant women at work that were fewer weeks pregnant than I was, how their belly grows and as I get closer to what should have been my due date.

Walking into Andy's room and seeing the mural that I painted for him, putting his things away, seeing my friends with their babies. I feel so sad and unfortunate that my baby could not make it. I only hope that this pain goes away and that some day I can be blessed with a baby.
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby flori » Fri Apr 29, 2011 02:09 pm

Your story breaks my heart, I am so sorry about your loss of Andy. I haven't returned to work yet, but I am not looking forward to seeing the pregnant women who were due around the same time as me.

Preeclampsia is a vicious disease. There are many women here who have had picture perfect pregnancies and then out of nowhere everything went downhill. I also lost my firstborn daughter very recently to pre-e and HELLP (about 6 weeks ago) and the pain is still very raw. I hope that you can use the information you find here to prepare yourself mentally to try again. The ladies here are very supportive and have lots of advice to offer.
Flori, 30
Mommy to Gracie- born at 25 weeks 03/15/11, 11 inches, 1.1lbs, and absolutely beautiful. Became my sweet angel the next day.
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby susheli » Fri Apr 29, 2011 02:27 pm

I read your post and am so sad and sorry for everything you and Andy had to go through, and that he was taken from you by Preeclampsia. This is a terrible disease. You are in my thoughts.
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby kerisue » Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:17 pm

Jeannie I'm so so sorry about the loss of your precious Andy. My preeclampsia came on fairly suddenly like yours. I remember having an ultrasound @ 21 wks and the doc said everything "couldn't be better"... and then just a few short weeks later my world came crashing down. I too was clueless about how serious/devastating the disease could be. When I returned to work I had the same problem as you seeing all the other pregnant ladies- especially the ones who were pregnant after me. Honestly, it's still difficult all this time later. You mentioned wanting the pain to go away. From my own experience, the acute all consuming devastating pain of loss does subside, but my own pain and sense of loss is still present to a degree- it ebbs and flows. Nothing will really comfort you right now, but this website is unfortunately full of ladies who have lost their babies to preeclampsia and/or HELLP; we provide each other with a lot of support. There's also a ton of information about preeclampsia you can use when you eventually think about trying to have another baby.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby christina89 » Sat Apr 30, 2011 07:30 pm

I cried as I was reading your story it broke my heart. I lost my son almost 11 months ago due to sever early onset preeclampsia and developed hellp 20 hrs later. I was 23 weeks. I honestly don't think the pain ever goes away we just learn to live with it. Its been terribly hard. Now I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with my second child I'm terrified and it brings back some very scary memories. Preeclampsia is a terrible thing and every one heals and grieves differently. Take your time and do what feels right to you. And hopfully with time you will feel comfortable with trying again. Thinking of you!
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby miamibunnie » Sun May 01, 2011 05:53 pm

My heart was in pain as I read what had happened to you. My baby passed away last year in April....it is the worst pain any mom can go through. Although I am currently pregnant I cry all the time. No matter what anyone tells u its a pain that just not go away.
Lisette 37 Hubby 37
Lisette 36 / Luis 36
1996 25 weeker due to Eclampsia with seizures daughter alive today 15 yrs old " Julyzah Caridad"
2010 23 weeker due to severe preeclampsia my angel left us

2011/27/July we beat preeclampsia and made it to 36.5 weeks 6lbs 1oz baby girl "Kendall Lauren " pe-free just bp started acting up.
Thanks to God, my doctor, Lovenox and Lda.
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby m » Sun May 01, 2011 10:51 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone. Many other ladies on this forum have also suffered the loss of a precious baby. I hope that you can find some comfort here.
DS 2/5/09 - 2/13/09; severe PE at 28 weeks
DD March 2010; PIH, preterm labor at 36 weeks, 10 days NICU
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby riehlism » Tue May 03, 2011 07:29 pm

Hi Jeanny. I am very sorry for your loss. Your story and mine sound very similar. In my last prenatal appointment everything was going textbook. Then a couple weeks after I lost my son from preeclampsia and HELLP. I had a classical C-section and was not induced. I felt my son kicking up until I was in the operating room. It's a profound loss and there are many of us here who can offer you some support. It is definitely a struggle to see other pregnant women around you, babies, and friends who don't have to go through (and probably don't understand) a loss like yours. Best wishes while you grieve. I hope it brings you some peace, acceptance, and the will to look forward.
Jasmin: Severe PE/HELLP and delivered at 24+6 & PCOS (29) Hubby Bubby, Frank (29)
Baby Blue stopped in to say hello and goodbye on 6/3/10
Baby Lucas was born on 10/13/11, PE and HELLP-free! Thank you baby aspirin and Lovenox
http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-calendar.php?id=18192
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby uncskristy » Fri May 06, 2011 09:42 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have found this forum. It helps me cope with the loss of my son Cooper knowing there are ladies out there with going through the same emotions that I have right now. I hope it can do the same for you.
Kristy
Mommy of Three Boys- Davis 10/4/2007(No PE, overbaked at 40wks, 2 days),
Cooper 5/20/2010-5/21/2010 (born too early at 24wks, 2 days due to severe PE) and
Blaine 10/11/11 (35wks, 6 days, mild but quick moving PE)
Wife to Matthew since 6/11/2005
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Re: Heartbroken without Andy

Postby epkrumm » Fri Jun 03, 2011 07:17 pm

Dear Jenny,

I lost my baby almost three months ago. I had a perfect pregnancy, I went to the doctor every month, my blood preasure was 100/70. My feet were swollen, and I began to feel sick, I knew something was wrong. When I came to the hospitak my blood preasure was 110/96, doctors had made some blood tests, I was diagnosed with preclampsia and HELLP.

Camila was born 25 weeks of gestation, and had the size as a 30 week old baby 41 cm, but she weigh only 855 gr. she fought for two days but her lungs were too inmature. Since she passed way I've cried every single day, I miss her with my heart, and I know I will until my last day on this world.

There are many pregnant ladies were I work, when I came back to work I was prepared, however, there was this lady who just came from her maternity permission, that was really hard.

My heart is still broken, sometimes I feel upset, angry,

Erika
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