by fraulinebeck (1 Posts), Thu Jun 02, 2011 09:32 pm
I posted my question on a separate forum discussion, but realized that maybe it wasn't in the correct place. I'm not real sure where to voice my questions, but I'm hoping someone can provide some sort of hope or guidance. I was 20 weeks when I went to the doctor for my 20 wk U/S visit. 3 weeks prior to that we had just found out we were having a daughter. I was so ecstatic as I had been praying so hard for a daughter. As crazy as it may seem, I have struggled for some time with feeling like I would never be able to give my husband a first, since he had a son at a young age. I believed that if God would just answer my prayer for a little girl - then I would be able to at least give him his first daughter. That 20 week visit - all my dreams and hopes were completely ripped from me. My doctor told me after the U/S that there wasn't too much to worry about that she was measuring only 18 weeks as long as she was within 2 weeks of the due date in the second trimester it was ok. However, she wanted me to have my blood pressure rechecked as it was 150/110 when I came in. Prior to this I was demonstrating no BP problems, even 3 week prior to this visit when I found out the sex of the baby. Unfortunately my BP remained elevated despite resting for some time, and came to find out that I already had 3+ protein in my urine. She sent me immediately to the hospital and told me I was in preeclampsia and would not leave the hospital until I delivered. Once at the hospital the MFM's told me that the baby had absent end diastolic blood flow that indicated she was not receiving the blood she needed to survive and that there was nothing we could do. My husband was all the way across the continent on business and fortunately I had my family close by until he could get there. I remember being scanned in the hospital with my dad holding my hand as we looked at the U/S showing my beautiful daughter and her heart seemingly beating so strong - yet knowing what they were saying and that it would mean at the end of it all she would not survive. I was later induced and she was did not survive the labor/delivery process.
I have struggled with so many questions - but my biggest concern is that the doctors told me how rare this was to develop preeclampsia this early in the second trimester and how this puts me at a much higher risk of it happening again. So now not only was I grieving the loss of my daughter but the potential to never have a child. I felt so alone b/c they kept telling me how this is so rare. I didn't develop HELLP syndrome, but I don't know if it's just because they caught it early on and I would have later. Also, of note - when I went to the doctor that day I had absolutely no symptoms associated with preeclampsia, especially for how severe they told me I was. Has anybody ever experienced this early onset of preeclampsia before and if so how does it affect later pregnancies? I feel so discouraged at times of why this had to happen, and I realize I'm no different than the millions of women who have lost their babies - I just feel like I have no one I can relate to, as everyone's symptoms seem to have happened later and they were associated with HELLP, PCOS, or some other disease process.
I should also mention, that in the midst of all this I was also found to have an elevated ANA. However, once again no symptoms of an autoimmune disease and the antibodies for APA syndrome were negative. So now I'm at a high risk because of early preeclampsia affecting me in the past and if I have an autoimmune disease that puts me in a high risk category - so does that mean I'm at a doubly high risk. My hopes and dreams of ever carrying a baby or getting dimmer and dimmer and sometimes I feel so discouraged with the grief and not knowing if I'll ever carry my husband and I's child. Has anyone ever gone through or know someone who has gone through something similar?? No pain is as great as losing a child, and unfortunately, it is through all of our pain that we unite together on this forum. I'm so sorry for the losses you other women have experienced - I hope you can find solace and peace somewhere in the midst of your pain.