One year ago today my daughter Millie was born at 24 weeks (and change) gestation. She was 1lb. 1 oz. It was a nightmare of a day that set in motion her death a few weeks later. I find it incredibly hard to believe that a year has gone by. In some ways I feel like my life got arrested that day. At times it feels like it was just yesterday. Other times it feels like a faraway dream that I’m not even positive happened.
Here are some things I’m grateful for: I’m grateful that I got to experience being a mother. When I was pregnant with her I thought I couldn’t love her more- how unprepared I was for the absolutely mind blowing profound intensity of love that slammed into me the moment I first saw her. I understand now what mother-love is and for that I’m so grateful. I’m grateful Millie was born alive and I got to hold her and interact with her for a period of time. Even though I wanted the rest of my life, those 25 days were a gift. I’m thankful for being there when Millie opened her eyes for literally the very first time. Her eyes were still fused at birth and my face was the first one she saw when she finally opened her eyes. How many moms can say that? I’m thankful that when Millie passed it was in my arms surrounded by my love and the love of our family.
Here are some things I still grieve: I grieve the loss of her in my life, the loss of knowing her more completely over time, the loss of seeing her grow. I grieve not being able to see what she would look like as she grew, which side of the family she would resemble. I miss reading to her the books that I read and loved as a child. I grieve never knowing how her individual personality would develop, what things she would like or hate, what causes she would feel passionate about, what career she might be interested in. I grieve all that she has lost- never to be able to grow, to laugh, to run, to play, to plan, to learn, to dream, to have her own children some day.
Happy Birthday sweet girl (though how I wish you’d been born in September like you were supposed to!) I miss you every second of every minute of every day.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed