How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby kerisue » Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:08 am

One year ago today my daughter Millie was born at 24 weeks (and change) gestation. She was 1lb. 1 oz. It was a nightmare of a day that set in motion her death a few weeks later. I find it incredibly hard to believe that a year has gone by. In some ways I feel like my life got arrested that day. At times it feels like it was just yesterday. Other times it feels like a faraway dream that I’m not even positive happened.

Here are some things I’m grateful for: I’m grateful that I got to experience being a mother. When I was pregnant with her I thought I couldn’t love her more- how unprepared I was for the absolutely mind blowing profound intensity of love that slammed into me the moment I first saw her. I understand now what mother-love is and for that I’m so grateful. I’m grateful Millie was born alive and I got to hold her and interact with her for a period of time. Even though I wanted the rest of my life, those 25 days were a gift. I’m thankful for being there when Millie opened her eyes for literally the very first time. Her eyes were still fused at birth and my face was the first one she saw when she finally opened her eyes. How many moms can say that? I’m thankful that when Millie passed it was in my arms surrounded by my love and the love of our family.

Here are some things I still grieve: I grieve the loss of her in my life, the loss of knowing her more completely over time, the loss of seeing her grow. I grieve not being able to see what she would look like as she grew, which side of the family she would resemble. I miss reading to her the books that I read and loved as a child. I grieve never knowing how her individual personality would develop, what things she would like or hate, what causes she would feel passionate about, what career she might be interested in. I grieve all that she has lost- never to be able to grow, to laugh, to run, to play, to plan, to learn, to dream, to have her own children some day.

Happy Birthday sweet girl (though how I wish you’d been born in September like you were supposed to!) I miss you every second of every minute of every day.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby cmccaffrey » Wed Jun 08, 2011 01:17 pm

I am so sorry that Millie can't be with you on her birthday! I hope that you and your husband are able to do something nice to celebrate the little miracle that you made together! She will always be such a beautiful memory that the two of you made together! I am thinking and praying for you and your hubby!
Christa (25) & J (26)
Mommy to:
Mason born 10.11.10 @ 30+3 wks due to Severe Pre-E. Only lived 2.5 days
Noah born 2.1.12 @ 38 weeks thanks to lots of doctors visits, LDA, Lovenox and no preeclampsia!

learn more about our story... http://tinyurl.com/7a979vy
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Re: How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby riehlism » Wed Jun 08, 2011 06:19 pm

Hi Keri. It's so hard to believe that it's been a year since our babies' births. I'm glad you were able to spend some time with her while she was here. I hope today and the next few days bring you fond memories and fortitude to move forward, while honoring your memory.
Jasmin: Severe PE/HELLP and delivered at 24+6 & PCOS (29) Hubby Bubby, Frank (29)
Baby Blue stopped in to say hello and goodbye on 6/3/10
Baby Lucas was born on 10/13/11, PE and HELLP-free! Thank you baby aspirin and Lovenox
http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-calendar.php?id=18192
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Re: How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby holly3372@msn.com » Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:50 pm

I cried reading this. Benjamin's 1st birthday was in April.....I know all too well what you are feeling. I am thinking of you and beautiful Millie. I wish you peace and love and a future where we both get to take our babies home with us. Thinking of you today and everyday with love. xo
Benjamin Spider Reeves born 4-28-2010( 1lb 6oz 26 weeks to severe pre-e and Iugr) we lost you after 4 long months in the NICU. You fought so hard,and were so brave.Our first baby .We miss you everyday and love you forever xo

Expecting ,dreaming, and hoping for our baby Girl sometime in January 2013
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Re: How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby uncskristy » Thu Jun 09, 2011 07:24 am

I am thinking of you and Millie. Its tough. And although I wish that none of us were forced to go through losing a child I am glad that we found this site and are able to go through the pain with others that understand.
Kristy
Mommy of Three Boys- Davis 10/4/2007(No PE, overbaked at 40wks, 2 days),
Cooper 5/20/2010-5/21/2010 (born too early at 24wks, 2 days due to severe PE) and
Blaine 10/11/11 (35wks, 6 days, mild but quick moving PE)
Wife to Matthew since 6/11/2005
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Re: How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby flori » Thu Jun 09, 2011 07:22 pm

Happy birthday, Millie.

Your words brought me to tears, Kerisue. I am thinking of you and beautiful Millie. (((hugs)))
Flori, 30
Mommy to Gracie- born at 25 weeks 03/15/11, 11 inches, 1.1lbs, and absolutely beautiful. Became my sweet angel the next day.
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Re: How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby rosemary » Sat Jun 11, 2011 06:00 am

Beautiful words for a beautiful girl. Kerisue...thinking of you and your precious Millie. (((HUGS)))
Rosemary - 47 - Central, PA
Momma to Kayleigh 8/25/88 - 36 weeks
Elliott 8/29/04 - lost at 20 weeks due to severe PE/HELLP
Proud Grandma to Max Allen 10/19/10.
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Re: How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby blythe » Sat Jun 11, 2011 08:36 am

Happy birthday, Millie. You have an awesome mama and I am so glad she had a few days with you, but I wish so much that you could have had a long lifetime together.
Heather, mom to
#1 7-18-03 - 5#8oz 37 weeks PE/PIH
#2 8-11-06 - 6#14oz 37 weeks PE/PIH
#3 9-10-09 - 5#10oz 37 weeks PE/PIH
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Re: How I wish this wasn't Millie's birthday

Postby sam10 » Sun Jun 12, 2011 08:28 pm

Happy 1. Birthday, Millie!
Kerisue....I am struggling to find words that possibly could console you, but I still want you to know that I am here thinking of you and am sharing your loss and pain. Yet, I want to join celebrating your sweet little Millie who has made you a mom and who has showed you what love can mean. Sending you ((hugs))
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
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