We've made our decision...

[steffthomas]

Libby-
I had the very same list you have, and carried it in my heart, struggling with our decision, for almost 5 years. Even the thought of another pregnancy literally sent me in to panic attacks. After Emma was born at 32 weeks, we had our healthy baby girl. She will be 5 in November. While it's not an easy decision to come to, I understand your feelings completely, but also wanted to share my story with you. I don't want you to feel as though I'm being pushy or rude etc, this is just how things have turned out for us thus far. After making the decision to be a one and done family, I was going to make it so I could not conceive anymore children. At the time, this was over 3 years ago, so forgive me because I can't remember the specifics, but there was a type of birth control that had the same effects as a tubal ligation, without the surgery. (Again, I can't remember what it was, it may have been experimental, etc, just suggested by our doctor if we were sure we were done and did not want to conceive again.) Anyhow, something in me just didn't feel right about the decision. It took another three years to understand why we didn't feel right about either a vasectomy or tubal ligation/the permanent birth control method. We decided to try for another baby. Fingers crossed, all is going well at 23w5d. I am very thankful that we didn't do anything that would have prevented us from getting pregnant again, and were very careful in our birth control methods. I would just really hate for you to make a decision on surgery, etc (which I know you didn't say) but I felt like I had to share our story with you--It took a LONG time for us to be ready again after p/e..but it happened for us (kind of out of the blue!). I really hope I'm not stepping over the line here, but I had the same exact list not so long ago, and would have been awfully upset with myself had I done something to make our then decision more permanent.
God Bless
Steff

[libby123]

Hi Steff,

Thank you for your response, and I appreciate your encouragement. I actually don't think we are going to make a permanent decision yet, I refuse to get my tubes tied (I don't want to mess with my body any more) and my husband is kind of feeling whimpy about the vasectomy. We are just practicing the rhythm method (its not very trustworthy, I know) and avoiding my most fertile times right now. It took us 2 and a half years to conceive our daughter, and we would have sex at my most fertile times then, so I hope this will work. We have tried all manner of other birth control, the pill makes me gain weight, my hubby hates condoms, etc.

What scares me more than anything else would actually be having another c-section. I hate needles and I was so terrified before the last one that I think it will make my pregnancy miserable. Also, I hated being on bedrest for so long. I am afraid of going into cardiac arrest on the operating table due to the spinal. And the recovery was awful (shudders) I bled for the entire six weeks nonstop. I also don't like breastfeeding, but I do it because its best for my daughter. The first few months she didn't sleep at night and I was like a zombie, I was absolutely miserable.

If I could be handed another perfect healthy child, already 4 months old, without having to go through the pregnancy, birth, and first 4 months I would. But I don't know if I can take being miserable like that again. And that, along with the risk of pre-e again and possibly a child in the NICU or extreme illness for me just reaffirms it for me.

We would potentially like to adopt, but it is so expensive. We live in an apartment right now, and we would have to get another bedroom if we had another child, plus I don't know how apartment living would work for us with 2 kids.

So I guess there are lots of reasons. But some days, I just want to go for it. Others, I think nothing in the world could make me want another one.

But don't worry, we aren't doing anything drastic!

[steffthomas]

Libby-

I think you're one of the first people who has really understood where I was coming from. I didn't end up with a c-section, but the whole birthing experience was so so traumatic, and some days, I was like you.. Let's just go for it. Then, I got terrified! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to breastfeed. I never had any milk supply. I tried so hard after the birth and pumped etc for when she was in the NICU, BUT it was literally drops. On the upside, I never had any of the engorgement or any of that "fun" stuff. LOL. I'm hoping with this baby to breastfeed, although I know it's better for her, I don't know how comfortable I am with it!

I'm glad to hear you're not making any drastic decisions! I'm SO glad we held off on the drastic decisions. At some point in time, you'll decide 100% one way or another, and whatever you decide will be right for your family!

We also looked into adoption, but it was so expensive. We also had thought about doing foster parenting classes, hopefully leading to an adoption eventually... However, once the foster parenting class started, we decided to start trying for a baby! We were working with Child Hope International on the adoption thing. They were a great resource for us, and perhaps, if you do decide to proceed with adoption, you might like to talk to them.

Oh and as far as you being worried about your little girl being an only child--I have 3 sisters who were from my mom's first marriage. They are much much older than me, and I have never lived with them, so growing up, it was like I was an only child, and I never felt lonely--In fact I always thought I would be mad if there were more of me lol
Steff

[alexa5]

I think you will find some relief in simply making a decision....I know once I made mine to stick with one I felt a huge relief, and even often thought to myself--why was I even considering another one once I realized the benefits of one First off like you said, any healthy child is a blessing and not everyone can have that--I think we forget that sometimes. I remember looking at our Christmas card that we made and thought to myself--who can look at those pictures and think that is not enough?

When I see how busy I get in the mornings and evenings before and after work I just can't picture being able to take on another child...it would just feel even more rushed and I want to enjoy life a bit. I also quickly realized how much more daycare would cost and that we wouldn't fit in our current home, and quite frankly the real estate market is not good, so we would have a dilemma there. So for many practical reasons also it made sense to stay with one.

And as for the pre-e, I don't want another pregnancy to bring on early health issues, so I will count my blessings as they are. I really do think you will now be able to truly enjoy your life as it is without that stressful decision to make. Whether you had decided to go for it or not go for it, just making the decision is a weight off of the shoulders for sure!

[libby123]

Alexa - It really has brought on a feeling of peace to make a decision. I just want to have an idea of where my life is going to go, and where I see our family in 5 years, etc. Before I had my daughter, I taught preschool and really enjoyed it, so I am thinking that once she goes to school I would enjoy doing that again!

Part of my struggle has also been religious. Before we had Sailor, we didn't use birth control and just kind of felt like God would decide when or if to give us children. So we feel like we are going against God and taking things into our own hands by using birth control, especially permanent birth control. We have used methods in the past that haven't worked out for us, and that reaffirmed our religious views. But now, I am struggling with this decision. I don't want to go against God, but I really, really don't want to be pregnant again

We recently heard a viewpoint that different people have different God-given gifts, and that having children is just not my gift! That if God wanted me to produce lots of children, he wouldn't have allowed me to develop pre-e.

These are just our specific religious views, just something we are trying to work through.