3 months

[Nadenet1229]

Wednesday will make it 3 months since we lost Joseph. I never got angry, never felt the need to point blame. I've just, felt sad and missed him so much. To know that next month was suppose to be his delivery date makes me feel it more. I guess it catches me at moments, when the tears come to my eyes when I think about him, but I can still smile with the little bit of memory I have of him. The feeling of him growing in my body is really all I have but its enough for me for now. In a way I'm thankful that he passed before he was delivered so I know he was at peace and not hurting. Especially since it looks like he had a chromosone defect that may have cost him his life even if I carried to term. I don't even know why I'm writing a post, I guess, just to get the thoughts out of my head. I never had really a lot of time to grieve as so many family emergencies have happened with my sister in th last three months that its hard to focus on yourself when others need you. I guess I'm thinking about it more today since my husband woke up in a sad mood. He confessed later that he had a dream where we lost another baby, and I guess it triggered more moments for me. We don't want to wait long to try again, the original plan was to try again in December. We both feel that the research about women conceiving sooner rather than later after an incident like this decreases the odds of repitition holds merit and I will be 29 in December so I don't want to wait all that long. But of course, logic stands in the way. With the 4600.00 in medical bills and the 2200.00 funeral, then me being out of work for a bit after hit us hard. So we are working on taking care of all that, but in the mean time my logic says "you can't try again so soon, it will take a while before you can save up the vacation time and the money for medical." And that just depresses me. My husband, who has this "screw logic" motto said he doesn't care if he has to sell everything and cut the lights off for a few months, that we will have our child one day soon. He told me we will just have to have romantic candle light dinners, with dinner being weenies cooked over the candles. It made me laugh and it's nice that he gets me out of my "rational" mind for a little while.

I guess I'm just missing him a lot today.

[princess purr]

The first year was the hardest for me, and honestly Veronica's due date is still one of those days that is hard for me. It is kind of the day of what should have been to me... I still have days where I cry and I miss her everyday, but it isn't as consuming as it was at first. The days became months, and the months became years... Now that I am considering trying again it has been harder. I got divorced and remarried so I know the odds are all weird now. I kind of agree with your hubby... Start trying sooner rather then later. I am more logical, but being logical doesn't seem to always work! I kept waiting until I wasn't scared, and i'm still scared!

[kerisue]

Isn't it cruel that you have all those bills for a baby you don't get to have and hold? And it's soooooo hard to wait to ttc again when your arms are so empty. I waited almost a year to start trying again- and I'm close to 40! For me it was necessary physically and emotionally- to allow myself to grieve properly for my daughter. Everyone is different in how much waiting time is appropriate.
I'm glad you decided to post. There are many of us here and chances are we understand. My daughter's due date was very difficult for me the first time around. I expect this year will be too.

[holly3372@msn.com]

I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I understand. When my due date came around my son was still alive in the nicu fighting for his life. I kept hoping that by some miracle he would be ok when his due date came he would get better. He did not. I undestand what you mean about him passing before he was born so he would not suffer. I would think of that everyday we spent in the hospital.
I know about the hospital bills and not sure when the right time to tryt again would be. August 17th will be one year since we lost our son. I have honored my feelings and taken this time to grieve. I feel that after the 17th passes I will be as ready as I am ever going to be. Everyone is different so it is a personal choice when to try. It is good that your husband is loving and supportive.
You are not alone. By the way I am 39 years old

[sam10]

I am so sorry that you lost your little Joseph! I was not angry for a long time, it came much later and in very unexpected ways. As has been said before, everybody is different and needs more or less time to come to terms with such a tragic situation. When the right time to TTC again comes, depends also on personal and medical reasons. Perhaps you want to see a peri/MFM for a consultation before TTC?

[flori]

(((hugs)))

The cost of losing Gracie hit us very hard as well. The day we picked out her urn I told my husband that I should be shopping for strollers and car seats, not urns. Her due date was rough for me as well, because it fell so close to dh's birthday and was supposed to be such a happy time. My thoughts are with you.

[kbunsey]

Hi. I’m trying to think about how I felt or where I was in my grief at 3 mos. I was heading back to work (teacher) 3 mos out from FB’s death and a lot of it is a blur to me. I can hardly remember much except that there would be a flood of people all of a sudden (after spending a lot of time alone on summer vacation) and just trying to get through those first few days of school, seeing all the people who know what happened to me and – just not wanting to break down in front of anyone. I fought back tears almost every day of work and sometimes cried in my car before going into work each day. And, I played hooky the week of FB’s EDD. My hub and I hid out-of-town for the week. It was good for us.

Dues dates and anniversary dates are difficult - different - perhaps not as difficult now - but there. I found myself crying in the car this year, replaying a certain song that brought on the tears. It was good this year. OK crying. What needed done, I guess. In 2008, 2009, 2010 - those anniversary times were a bit more intense - angry - scared - reliving trauma - remorseful - lonely - that kind of stuff. It changes each year for me.

Ick! I forgot about the hospital bills - I was engaged. How dare they send me bills for a dead baby! Somebody should have been sending me sympathy checks. You'd think stupid hospitals and insurance companies could write off a few bills here and there out of courtesy. I remember, too, the funeral director having to ask us standard questions from the state like, "Did you take your prenatal vitamin every day?" It wasn't his fault but I wanted to send a letter to the state saying, "F*** off! Did I take my prenatal vitamin every day? I took a super expensive prenatal that my insurance company didn't cover!" Grrrrrr....

I can’t ever advise anyone on if or when to TTC again. Trying again and being pregnant - sigh..... it was so much work for me. I got a lot of therapy. Different kinds: talk, guided imagery, massage, yoga therapy, acupuncture, dietary changes, awesome medical doctor/MFM and of course, spent a lot of time on the PF. What would I have done w/out the PF!??? It is such a huge personal decision and only you will walk through it given your particular circumstance. There are generalities and statistics and commonalities to be found here on the PF, but, everyone is different as is every pregnancy. I lived on “the odds are in your favor” and “only 20% chance of getting some degree of PE again” – to get me through even considering another pregnancy. I called doctors repeatedly just so I could hear those stats and reassurance again. And I CLUNG to stories and hope from others here. And, thankfully, things went very well for me – but it was work. Big emotional work. And I had really bad PPD after Kyle last year. So, you have to do what is best for you and for your husband and get your supports built up – internal and external.

Whatever and whenever you decide to do anything – just be sure to be good to you – gentle and patient with yourself. And people will be here for you!

[cmccaffrey]

10 months later and we just finished paying off our debt from my pregnancy/funeral. I remember how painful every bill is. When we finished paying off the bills I sat and cried and cried. I was happy to be done, but at the same time it was the only financial obligation I had for our baby and I wanted to stretch it out as long as possible. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through all this. *hugs*

[needhope2]

first off, when i read the post topic, the date on it was 8/6......the day my baby passed. (sad and chilling). I am 37, this was mine and my husbands first, (i have a 19yr old) first marriage - marrried 4yrs. i was 24wk1d when i was admitted to the hospital, and delivered at 25wk1d. Robert Aiden lived 3 days. Died of pulmonary hemmorhage....i had PE and HELLP.
I had to have the old fashion kind of c section, the docs told me 6-12m before trying again. older csections have a higher rate of rupturing in late pregnancy. so i want to give myself time to heal, just not sure when to start. like you, money plays a factor, we are paycheck to paycheck, and slowly recovering financially from the baby. i would like to stop the pill after 6m and let my body get back to normal, get the anti-depressants out of my system (i just dont think i could take it being pregnant, it scares me too much, dont trust the drug companies) i am kind of aiming to start around 9m....more than 6 and less than 12 lol. my due date is coming up in a few weeks nov.14 .....i can feel the anxiety building higher each day.
i feel your pain honey - we will make it through, there really is no other choice but to go through the pain, peace and God bless to us all.