Feeling sad and venting

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Feeling sad and venting

Postby kristina » Mon Sep 12, 2011 04:21 am

Friday was 4 years since we lost our son (stillborn). In general things are easier, but these special days still get to me. So many people have also forgotten, except for my family and one friend. Not even my husband's family remembers anymore.

As if it wasn't enough a lady also said this weekend after hearing we lost a baby that it's worse to lose a child after you get to know them than it is for us. She has lost her son and husband in a car accident. While I agree with her that what happened to her was worse and I can't imagine her pain, I felt it was unnecessary to say something like that. I really felt hurt by that. Why can't people understand that just because I didn't have the chance to get to know my son that what happened to me didn't matter? She probably didn't mean it like that, but so many people seem to treat losing a baby like it never existed or it’s no big deal. Our experience is so isolating.

Sorry for venting. I just feel a bit down lately.
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Re: Feeling sad and venting

Postby uncskristy » Mon Sep 12, 2011 11:21 am

Vent away.
I have had issues with people not viewing my and my husband's loss the same way as if the child was older and those who did not even acknowledge Cooper's life. While no one should ever have to bury a child as the saying goes, I wish people would realize that the loss is just as bad for the parent regardless of the age of the child. It may be easier on those who never met the child but the loss is still the same. Man what I would not give to be able to take comfort in happy memories of my Cooper-birthdays, Santa Claus, school. People don't realize that those "happy times" give you strength in times of loss but what happens when you don't have those "happy times" to look back on.
Sorry for overtaking your vent :)
Kristy
Mommy of Three Boys- Davis 10/4/2007(No PE, overbaked at 40wks, 2 days),
Cooper 5/20/2010-5/21/2010 (born too early at 24wks, 2 days due to severe PE) and
Blaine 10/11/11 (35wks, 6 days, mild but quick moving PE)
Wife to Matthew since 6/11/2005
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Re: Feeling sad and venting

Postby Maplecat6 » Mon Sep 12, 2011 03:58 pm

I'm sorry you did not feel supported on your son's anniverary. The special days are hard enough without the hurt of being forgotten.

I think that woman is crazy. There is no hierarchy of grief. You know what loss feels like because you lost your son. You know what it feels like to grieve the untimely death of a child.

My loss is no more or less profound because of the number of days I got to spend with my daughter. I love her and miss her. Grief and loss of a loved one can't be quantified and compared. My daughter's death feels like my miscarriage which feels like the death of my friend which feels like the loss of a friendship and on and on. I don't understand why it is so hard for people to understand.
Amy, mom to almost 5
Quinn, 4/28/06, no complications
Lou, 5/8/09, no complications
Rosie, 3/13/11-3/29/11, eclampsia at 27 weeks and then died from NEC
Sara, 5/3/12, no complications other than an obscene amount of monitoring
Baby #5 due in 2/15
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Re: Feeling sad and venting

Postby m » Mon Sep 12, 2011 10:44 pm

This is the place to vent! I understand how you feel. I always want to ask those people when they started loving their children - not until they were a year old? Two years old? I loved my son long before he was born. I do feel that the loss of an infant is somewhat different, but certainly not in any way less. I think that while we may not "miss" our babies in the way we would miss a child we had been able to know, we have to deal with the loss of all the experiences that come with raising a baby and the fact that we never knew our children. Like uncskristy wrote, I do think that people who lose older children are able to take some comfort in their happy memories. I only have memories of a few brief, sad, scary days in the NICU and some have even less than that. Nobody should try to minimize your grief.
DS 2/5/09 - 2/13/09; severe PE at 28 weeks
DD March 2010; PIH, preterm labor at 36 weeks, 10 days NICU
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Re: Feeling sad and venting

Postby kerisue » Wed Sep 14, 2011 05:40 pm

The tough thing about a loss of this type is that it is a loss forever, not just a loss you had 4 years ago. You've lost having your son in your life for the rest of your life. That's very very significant.
I've experienced something similar with my extended family. At the grave site a few weeks ago a baby's aunt was there tending to her grave- my extended family has never, ever asked to visit my babies grave. At a infant loss remembrance walk, some folks had 10 or more family members with them including aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My family wouldn't even think of that.
But WE are here anytime you want to vent or just get some support.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: Feeling sad and venting

Postby holly3372@msn.com » Sat Sep 17, 2011 00:20 am

I feel the same as the others and am so sorry you did not have and feel support. I understand ,sending love to you xo
Benjamin Spider Reeves born 4-28-2010( 1lb 6oz 26 weeks to severe pre-e and Iugr) we lost you after 4 long months in the NICU. You fought so hard,and were so brave.Our first baby .We miss you everyday and love you forever xo

Expecting ,dreaming, and hoping for our baby Girl sometime in January 2013
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Re: Feeling sad and venting

Postby flori » Tue Sep 20, 2011 10:00 pm

I LOVE what m said. We loved our babies long before they were born, why should we be less heartbroken just because they were here for only a few weeks/days/hours/minutes? Some parents are lucky enough to spend years with their children. I only saw Gracie once before she died and that little memory is the only one I have of her alive. Everything else from the time she was here on Earth is the fear and unbelievable pain that came after she passed. No one should ever try to downplay anyone's grief.
Flori, 30
Mommy to Gracie- born at 25 weeks 03/15/11, 11 inches, 1.1lbs, and absolutely beautiful. Became my sweet angel the next day.
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