tough visit with RE

[kerisue]

I've been trying to conceive for several months now and no luck. I'm 39. I've done some testing and met with a reproductive endocrinologist yesterday. It was quite upsetting. Basically he said there is very little chance of me conceiving on my own or with clomid/IUI. Gonadotropins would help but a) they cost thousands every month and b) he does not want to risk me having multiples given the previous pe. His recommendation is IVF with single embryo transfer (so as not to have multiples). The cost is over the top- just do not have that money. I looked at some foundations that award grants for this kind of thing, but they all had deadlines of this past Summer so I would have to wait another year which would make me even older. The RE said that even months count when you're this old. Do only the young or the wealthy get to have kids?

I am so upset and trying not to give up hope. Grieving the death of my daughter is bad enough, if I also have to grieve my dream of being a mother I don't know if I can take that.

[sam10]

gosh, I just had a very similar visit with the RE on Monday. Just devastating and so upsetting. Very similar information; no IUI, as my MFM vetoed multiples, so only an IVF with a single egg transfer, which lowers the chances quite a bit. However, she did not say that conception at my age (39) is soooo impossible. She then got hooked on my family history of aneurysms (well, one fear factor (PE) seems not enough for me) and PE and the dangers of it all. I just dont' know where to turn anymore, each time I making a move, somebody throws me a curveball or other obstacles in front of me.

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I know, I just know. Sending you hugs.

In the mean time, I'll just keep trying.

[misscoleyp]

I was very much in your shoes a few years ago. Thanks to all the surgeries it took to keep me alive from PE, I have severe scar tissue. My left ovary is pretty much stuck to another organ and my left tube is stuck to it. I had lap surgery done to try and clean some of it up, but my RE was scared to do to much to the left side and really ruin it.

We started TTC about 16 months after PE. We tried on our own for a year, but I have PCOS and that threw another wrench into things. I honestly don't know how I ever got pregnant in the first place. Really sucks that it was taken away. A year after starting TTC, I started to see an RE. Luckily my husband had amazing insurance and they covered as many IUI's as I could stand. After another year and a half, our next step was truly IVF and it scared the bejesus out of me. That and our insurance didn't cover it and it's alot of money. About that time of TTC, we were getting really burnt out. Our marriage suffered dramatically and 2 years later we are still patching it back together. There are still days that I wish I could take back those years of TTC if I could take back the damage it did to our marriage.

My husband is strongly against adoption or using a surrogate. I know some other board members that have gone that route after years of failed IF. It took a very long time for me to get to a place of peace where I'm at right now. All I wanted to ever be was a mom. I remember crying in my husband's arms after the doctor told us they couldn't find out son's heartbeat that I didn't want to be like my aunt. My aunt who never had kids and she wanted them so badly. I didn't want to be her.

Yet today, I am. And I'm ok with that. I really have come to be ok with being without kids. I don't look at my aunt with pity anymore, but as an example of how to live. My husband and I can go and do things whenever we want to do them. I spend an absurd about of time volunteering with the PF and making a difference in other people's lives. I have a fulfilling life!

I can't tell you how to feel or what to do, but I understand where you are at right now. If you want to talk anytime, just email me at nicole.purnell@preeclampsia.org. Many hugs to you!!!

[flori]

Ladies, I am sorry for your tough visits. It does seem so unfair that those that don't even want children can have them whenever they please.

I hope you find the strength to keep trying, or the strength not to.. whichever you decide is best for you. Until then millions of hugs (((hugs))).

[fineolin]

Kerisue,

I am 39 also, and sometimes it depends on the doctor. My RE was positive and encouraging. I do not have fertility issues, however, my partner travels a lot, and as a result we froze his sperm. I have not had any testing done, however, the doctor wants to try IUI naturally. She does not want to use clomid for fear of multiples. She told me that if i were to have multiples she would encourage reduction. She never made me feel old. Im pretty sure the REs see women much older than us with far worse conditions. There are women who have conceived and had babies after cancer, who have MS, and like me have lupus. I am a natural worrier. I worry about everything and everyone. Additionally, i used to care too much about what people think. Not anymore. I rebuke those who speak negativity to me about my wish and dream. I am sorry, but I do not want to be like my aunt who never had kids. The bottom line is you keep trying until you cannot try anymore. Do not give up on trying to conceive naturally. Doctors are not GOD. They may know medicine, but, you know your body. Trust yourself, and keep trying. I will not give up at 39. I do not want to be 44 wondering why I gave up at 39. Your egg production drops after the age of 40, that means your egg production from 35-40 is about the same. I got pregnant at 37. You have to believe, and if you are not happy with your doctors, find one that will help you, and not discourage you. I wish you well.

Marj

[caryn]

There has been a lot of recent discussion of this in the media:

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/gnxp/ ... cy-by-age/ <--has graphs

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/01/fashi ... wanted=all

http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/2011/09/2 ... have-kids/

I don't know why it's in the zeitgeist right now. Youth does not necessarily equate with energy or health. Advanced age does not necessarily equate with a better financial status. It depends on what your tests and your doc and your body and bank account are telling you. Unfortunately fairness isn't really the province of biology...

[angieb]

I think the most important thing I can suggest is to keep looking for an RE. The RE my OB first sent me to was an * (and he treated her and she liked him). It wasn't until I met with RE#4 that I found someone who was willing to be aggressive enough while also respecting my history and the risks. Some RE's are IVF pushers since that's such a big money cow, when it may not be really necessary. One of the RE's I saw worked with one of my mom's co-workers, pushed 2 IVF cycles on her that both failed, she met with a different RE who went over her entire medical history and could find no reason they needed IVF, she got pregnant naturally a month or two later.

I have PCOS and have never had regular cycles my entire life. My MFM was not crazy about me being on clomid, much less anything else. She finally agreed as long as it was closely monitored. My RE ended up letting me do a femara+follistim+trigger cycle (failed, probably b/c I was on too low of a dose of femara and so by the time I started follistim it was day 23 or so, I had one okay but still too small follie so the follistim was to speed it up, it worked nicely but bfn.) The next cycle I was on a higher dose of femara, got one nice egg, took a trigger and did iui and the result is Lucas. IUI will not increase your odds of multiples, all it does is give the sperm a shortcut, and if they closely monitor how you respond to meds and keep the doses as low as possible, they can minimize the risk of multiples. My RE is a fan of combo cycles which work for a lot of women, either clomid or femara early on to recruit a good egg, then follistim a little later to help it grow (closely monitored), that keeps the cost of injectibles down a lot (I think my dose was $200ish for the entire cycle) and reduces the risk of multiples at least from what it would be for an only injectibles cycle. I realized that there was a risk we'd have to cancel a cycle due to too many eggs, and I realized that even with just 1 mature egg there was a very small risk we could get pregnant with multiples and may have to reduce (I don't think I would have reduced twins but more than that would have been a very tough call, and not something I took lightly.)

Anyway, I would be very wary of any dr who tells you ivf is the only way. I strongly suggest you keep looking.

[jules2]

I am really really sorry to hear this from both of you.

I can try to imagine how distressing it would be to lose a baby to PE and not be able to get (and stay) pregnant again ... I thought I might well end up in this position for much of the latter half of 2009 and first half of 2010.

All I can say is that at 39 you are not actually THAT old - - could you try consulting another RE for a different opinion?

If not I am really hoping you can eventually find peace with all you've been through. Thinkin of you xx

[holly3372@msn.com]

I am 39 too Kerisue. I agree that doctors don't always know everything. I can't tell you how many people I have heard of that were told they could not have children, went on to adopt and then sure enough get pregnant. You never know,you keep trying anyway and I will too. Love to you xo

[riehlism]

Keri, I am really sorry you had such a crappy appointment. I hope you can find second or third opinions. In terms of Clomid (etc) and multiples, I took Metformin at the same time since that's been shown to help prevent multiples. I have PCOS so they gave it to me. I never asked about use for non PCOSers.

The cost between IUI and IVF is ridiculous. I hope you get some better news elsewhere, just for comparison. But you're smart and armed with knowledge. I'm sure already have backup docs in the works.