TTC and irrational thoughts?

[bordergurl72]

My daughter just turned 6, and since she was 2 I have wanted another, but like many of us, been terrified of trying and having pre-e/HELLP again and worse. So after many years of thinking and meeting with two different MFMs, we were ready to try again..or technically...not try, not prevent, and just see what happens. I am going t be 39 this summer, so really if it doesn't happen this year, I decided I would be done. My MFM told me he would recommend LDA, and that is it.

So, this month, I was 3 days late and convinced I must be pg, and all the sudden I freaked, feeling like if I am pg, it is going to be like a "death sentence" and what if my daughter becomes motherless because I am trying to give her a sibling. I couldn't sleep or eat thinking I was pg and that my body would go out of control, and what was I doing putting my health in danger by letting this happen. And then the rational side of me sees that so may women get pg every day and so may have healthy babies, and why I am freaked out about something completely natural!? I should be excited about growing life inside me and finally havig a chance for the second baby I have always wanted.

I took a pg test and was shaking, and when it was negative I was thrilled and said to myself that I am fine with one. And of course now that it has been a day, I am a bit sentimental again that I am not pg.

Am I the only one who thinks like this? I feel like I am crazy when I feel that way, and have such extreme anxiety. I am not sure if it is valid at all, or I am just so anxiety-ridden because it has been over 6 years since I have been pg and that in itself scares me, pre-e/HELLP or not.

I really, really want another, but the pg part terrifies me. Since having HELLP I have major health anxiety so put myself in a possible health issue scenario is so scary to me. I wish I could get the baby without being pg, but money won't allow for adoption or surrogacy, trust me, if it did, I would have done it by now.

And now, do I make an appt for my DH to get the big V...or is there any possible way I will be able to handle a pg??

Thanks for reading.

[smjrush]

My husband and I go back and forth on having another baby. We both want one but it terrifies us to even think about putting use through the same situation as last time. Some days I think about getting pregnant and think ok I can do this then I look at our beatiful 2 year old son & think I can't do that because what if something happens to me and he doesn't have a mother. I want to see my son grow up! My husband has even said he wouldn't know what to do if something happened to me. So for now I think we're going to wait and see what happens. I'm not against adoption but for some reason my husband isn't totally for it. And what doesn't help is my mother-in-law keeps pushing for another grandchild, we tell her we're not ready and she just thinks it's silly. But she wasn't there in the hospital when I was toxic from the mag and how terrifying it was. So I guess hang in there whatever is meant to be will be!

[lornarose]

Your post completely resonated with me, particulary the part about having major health anxiety since PE. I'm just terrified of anything medical related too. I had to have a colposcopy recentely and started to hyperventilate before the exam as I was convinced they were going to rush me to hospital based on what they could see. I'd say the nurse and consultant thought I was insane!lol. I had my DD 7 months ago and thought I was becoming strong and had convinced myself I was going to ttc in the near future. My most recent brush with the medical profession has certainly given me second thoughts. If I was that anxious after a fairly brief routine medical exam, I just can't imagine how I would be if I got preg. I know that I would be consumed with all the worst case scenarios. I am just taking each day as it comes now. I too would love to have a ready made baby without having to go through 9 months of *.

[bordergurl72]

I am glad to know I am not the only one who feels this way, I mean, I am sorry others feel like me, because it is horrible and, but I am comforted to hear I am not alone.

I am so bad that even if I walk into a drug store and think to myself "I am going to take my bp", I start to get major anxiety, thinking that as soon as I sit down to take it, paramedics will arrive and take me to the hospital. every time I go to a routine visit, I worry they will find something on the spot and I will be admitted to the hospital. I just can't believe I still feel this way after my daughter is already 6!

I really wish I didn't equate pregnancy with being sick and an illness and could enjoy it like most of the women out there. When I thought I might be pg earlier this month, I was such a mess, and it just seems so unfair

[brismom]

I too can relate.

[libby123]

Oh my goodness, I can totally relate to you. Isn't it sad, how something so precious and wonderful can be snatched away by a disease so deadly and devastating?

It is different when you already have a child too. I feel like I am pushing my luck by even thinking of having a second baby after my first was so healthy. While my daughter was okay when born at 36 weeks, I shudder to think of how dangerous and devastating my situation could have been if I hadn't had such a great OB/GYN and MFM team.

I think every mother, even those with healthy pregnancies, goes through this to some degree though. And some mothers have complications at birth that they aren't thrilled about repeating, such as hemmoraging and emergency c-sections.

For me, I am trying to make sure I don't base my decision on fear. Only on what is logical and the chances of different things. We are still trying to decide whether going for a second baby is right for us or not.

[libby123]

Oh, and I still take my blood pressure at least twice a day with a cuff that I have at home. Only because I am scared my BP will shoot up again suddenly like it did when I was pregnant. I will never look at blood pressure the same way again.

[brismom]

I can relate.

[lornarose]

Your posts are very helpful to me. I don't feel so alone with this crippling feeling that something bad is going to happen in my body, like a ticking time bomb. I think that my longevity had been compromised in some way and that the PE will always mean poor health in the future. I have got the booby prize in terms of genetic code or something. I had two relatives that lived to be 100 years old(my grandmother's brother and sister), my grandmother smoked 40 a day and popped out my father in her forties. I feel like a freak in my family, they are so tough and hardy.

[laurad]

Anne,

I totally know what you mean. I had a horrendously scary bout of PE with my 1st and only pregnancy with my son - born 35 weeks. I went into Post-partum PE with Bps of 180/120. My OB told me that I was the sickest mom my OB ever treated. Kept telling me that I needed to make sure that I made it out alive. Tell me if that is not disconcerting. '

Just recently my hubby and I decided we were going to try and give our almost 4 year old a brother or sister and start TTC in Spring 2012. Well, when I was late this summer thinking I might be pregant, I had an anxiety attack thinking if that test was "positive" it was an automatic death sentence. When I was it was negative, I huge wave of relief and disappointment it me all at once. It's crazy, right?!! I thought I was completely nuts. I am so relieved to hear I am not the only one who goes through these emotions. I know my hubby and I still want to get pg in the Spring, but I know I will still go through all of those crazy emotions. Right now I am focusing on losing at least 50lbs before getting pg. I am not severely over weight, but getting to a healthy BMI will only improve my chances of not getting it again. I spoke to my MFM and he said I have a risk of getting it again being almost 33, having had PE before and having been a migraine sufferer, but he said I will be in MUCH better care this time around being high risk and monitored by the MFM. He said LDA and possible BP meds early on as well as additional testing throughout my pregnancy will put me in a better position. Also, the second I expereince swelling or any symptoms of PE I am on bedrest, so being educated, taking better care of myself, and being prepared will allow me the ability to be in a much better position. I just need to continue working on my weight and be mentally prepared not stressing out. Pregnancy doesn't have to be a death sentence with the right education, better care on my part and my OB/MFM's part, and help from my family.

Laura