Dad seeking advice on loss

[S.Jordan444]

Hello My name is Scottie from brooklyn N.Y i am new to the forum,

My wife and I have a 3 yr old daughter she was born healthy at 35 weeks and 3 days. We just recently loss our second child on Oct 4, 2011 he was also 35 weeks and 3 days but we where not as lucky. Our lives have been torn My son Scottie Jordan Cartagena was very much anticipated we had no signs or warnings. his room is painted and decorated for him we had a baby shower. im so broken over this lost i dont know how to feel or what to think and the "keep strongs" i have enough to last a lifetime. My daughter still ask for her lil brother she couldnt wait for him and we thought my wife was in labor so we told our daughter layla that we would be bringing him home. i told layla her brother chose to become an angel to watch over us she didnt really like that and she cried but shes getting better... We had a service for him on Oct 9th 2011 we actually got to hold him and see him in the hospital after my wife woke up from recovery we excited on our way to the hospital she was having mild contractions as if everything was ok. my wife only has any blood pressure issues when shes pregnant we want to have more children and have been advised to wait atleast a year. im 31 yrs old and my wife is 26 we just want our Son back...

will we ever be happy again im lost i took 3 weeks off from work and im back now but im misrable.

[cmccaffrey]

Scottie, I am so sorry for you and your wife's loss. It is an unbearable pain that no one should have to go through. My husband and I lost our firstborn to PreE and prematurity a little over one year ago and it is still so heartbreaking. The healing process is different for every person. Your wife and you might be on the same page right now, but sometimes that changes and husbands and wives will change how they grieve. My only advice is to take time for yourselves and be gentle. Try not to make rash decisions. Seek support from your family and friends. Spend as much time as possible with your little girl. If it helps you try to seek answers from doctors. I would also try to pick up hobbies. Nothing on the entire planet will ever replace your precious son, but you can distract yourself and find positive outlets that help you remember his short life in a positive light. When we lost our baby I picked up sewing and started making baby hats and blankets for NICUs. It was very therapeutic to me. I guess I figured since I couldn't hold my own baby I would send something to hold someone elses. It made me feel a little better. That may not be right for you or your wife, but find something that is meaningful for you guys to do together in honor of your son.

Again, I am so sorry for all that you have been through and for your loss. You and your wife will find many other women who are on these forums who were in similar situations to yourselves and I know they will be comforting to you as well.

Take care.

[ktsl123]

Very sorry this happened to your family. I hope that best for you all.

[S.Jordan444]

cmccaffrey thank you for the words, and im i reading correctly are you expecting again?

[cmccaffrey]

Yes. My husband and I went the route of seeking as much information about what made me sick and caused us to lose our son. We met with many different doctors (maternal fetal medicine specialists) and discussed how long would be a good amount of time to wait after having our son to try again. Most doctors agreed that a year or longer is best, especially because of my c-section healing, but they also said that 8 months was totally doable. I ended up falling pregnant at 7 months after our loss and everything is fine so far, but I do (like many other women on this site) see a lot of doctors and have to take some pretty experimental medications. Emotionally it is really hard being pregnant so soon after losing our son. I cry every day because we still miss him so much and because I am so scared of losing this baby as well. No one can tell you what is right for the two of you, but just make sure you investigate prior to making decisions and try to do what's healthiest for your wife and your family.

[sam10]

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss and that you had come home without your little boy. It is very tragic and traumatizing and takes time and strength (that we sometimes feel, we'd never have). At the moment it might feel overwhelming and that the pain will never lessen. It will get easier over time. Be gentle towards yourself and your family and allow yourself to grieve. My husband and I found it helpful to seek professional counseling, which helped us especially during the first months to come to terms with our situation. I'll keep your family in my thoughts.

[brandi101]

Im so sorry to hear about your loss you and your family are in my thoughts. Lossing a child is hard just take time to heal and when i had my second daughter i just remembered to talk to her and reassure her that i still loved her she was also only 3 and we still talk about her today i also told her that kayleigh was our personal gaurdian angel that she sits on her shoulder and watches over her to make sure she is safe and let your wife know that you are also sad

[kerisue]

I'm so sorry that you lost little Scottie. You asked whether you will ever be happy again- I sincerely hope so, but sometimes I wonder that myself, more than a year after my baby died. Sure, the crushing pain of new loss is gone, but I still ache for her and still think of her daily. How is this something to get over when the son you expected to be in your life for the rest of your life is now gone along with all the hopes and dreams you had for him? I hope you can find some support and information here.

[S.Jordan444]

Congratulations cmccaffrey i cant wait to start again one thing that always stays in my head is My son will be back. ill keep you guys in my prayers.

[alyssangs]

So sorry for your loss. I cried the whole time I read your story and watched your video. My son was born 10/4/09 at 7 months due to PREeclampsia. He is my first child-we both survived after my husband was told we both had 24hrs to live. I wish I had answers for why you experienced an unimaginable loss. That is the cruel reality of this disease-no answers, no warning. I know my husband wants more children, but we are paralyzed by fear of again being stricken by PRE-E. I know that our experiences can not be compared, but over the past two years, I have read blogs started by parents who have been through it. Maybe that is something you might consider-blogging about what you experience. Alot of the blogs I follow also post on : facesofloss.com
I thank you for having the courage to share your story.