I was very torn at first. Even though I knew I did nothing wrong, I felt that there was maybe something with my body that might have caused this to happen. I had tons of blood work done and I am completely normal in all aspects. I did not do blood work on my son, as I just wanted him to be peaceful, but he was born with a cleft palate and clenched fist which are two major signs of a chromosone defect. My doctor is 99.9% sure that because of the defect this all happened. And the choromosone abnormality that he is thinking it may have been, even if I carried to term it was likely that baby would not have made it. Its called... Trisonmy 13 or 16 or something.
After researching and talking to the wonderful women on this site, I feel confident in trying again. I know that no matter what there is always a risk, but I would risk losing my life for my child if he were here today, so I will risk my life to bring my child into this world. My husband was also scared of what could happen, but we decided its worth it.
I feel better as well because I have already been informed that when I get pregnant again they will monitor EVERYTHING constantly to catch any early signs. The Maternal Fetal Specialist that I will be seeing actually worked under one of the doctors on the board for this site and he let me go through all my research with him because he knew it was my way of coping. My husband and I plan to try again soon. We feel that research that suggest getting pregnant sooner rather than later after preeclampsia deserves some merit. November 11th 2011 will be 6 months since we lost Joseph. The doctor advised us to wait atleast 6 months for my body to get normal, then we are in the clear. We don't know exactly when we will try but it will be soon. We are just waiting for when it feels right again.
You will find your balance one day. Its just to soon right now. I didn't even want to think of future children at the time I lost Joseph. Even now there are days that I just cry because I was supposed to have my son right now, in my arms. You have to let those moment pass. Don't fight them. Cry whenever you need. I had so many things happen in these last 6 months that I cried all the time because it was just so much happening to my husband and I at one time. I held my husband as he cried one night saying "its too much. I can't do this." But I told him that no matter what, we will be okay. And we are. You will be okay too. Give yourself time. I'm still giving myself time.