Wow... my heart goes out to you. I haven't experienced what you have personally, but my family has in some regard. 10 years ago, my sister in law was full term with her first baby. She had started experiencing quite a bit of swelling and a rising BP. It was Friday. The doctor told her it was normal and to go home and put her feet up. If she had not had the baby by Monday, they would induce her. She didn't feel the baby move much Saturday morning, so she went to L&D. They could not find a heartbeat. She was induced and had to give birth to a still born baby. Later on, she was never really given a clear diagnosis, but she had low fluid, high blood pressure and blood clotting in the cord. We don't know about protein in the urine, but it sounds a lot like pre-e or subsequent complications from pre-e to me.
When they had resolved to try again, they were met with countless miscarriages, at least 5 or 6 that I can remember. I'm sure that opened the wound afresh each time. After awhile they just became exhausted of it. She admitted to me once that they were happy and had accepted their life without kids. I believed her!
But it doesn't end there. Early this year, she admitted to me they still would like to have a baby, but had not been able to become pregnant, even after quite a while of no birth control. She is 37, so I wondered if that might be a factor. I told her that she might talk to her new OBGyn about this. He might have some tricks in the bag, medication maybe. I don't know if she did this, but she quickly became pregnant. Everything was fine, the baby was growing rapidly, nothing abnormal showed up in scans whatsoever. Her doctor watched her very closely. Then the Sunday before last, at 34 weeks, she woke up bleeding heavily. She had an abruption, but they were able to get the baby out alive. He spent a week and a half in the NICU and came home Thanksgiving!
It's a personal decision, and a very hard one. Don't be hard on yourself for your emotional response - you've been through it and back! It's only honest to feel like that. I don't know if my s-i-l's story is encouraging or terrifying, but ultimately it was a happy ending and we're so thankful that she and the baby are doing great. I guess anything is possible.
Miscarriage Feb 05 & Dec 07
Daniel born Feb 09 at 27w5d, 1 lb 1 oz/12 inches (severe IUGR) due to Severe Pre-E & HELLP. Now tall for age and no complications.
Diagnosed with MTHFR
Cornual Ectopic miscarriage Mar 11
Natalie born 6-5-12 at full term, 7 lb 11 oz & 21.5 inches, progesterone 2-8 weeks (for suspected luteal phase defect), lovenox 6-29 weeks, lda 0-36 weeks, folic.