Feel like I've been lying to myself

[misscoleyp]

Hi Ladies,

It's been awhile since I've been on the boards. I've felt like I really didn't fit in because we weren't TTC, didn't have a premmie, weren't pregnant again and I can't spend alot of time in G&L.

Let me back up a little for those of you newbies. We lost our son at 34+5 almost 6 years ago. About 16 months after our loss, we started TTC on our own. I have PCOS and alot of scar tissue from all the surgeries I had to save my life. After a year of no luck, we started fertility treatments. I honestly lost count at how many IUI's we did with no success. Our next step was IVF, but we were honestly spent emotionaly. Our marriage was on the brink of breaking due to all the stress of failure after failure. We decided to step back. That was July 2009. Our sex life was destroyed and it was like we didn't know how to be intimate without the pressure behind it anymore. It took a year and a half to get comfortable together again. In that time, I felt like I found peace in not TTC. That we just weren't going to have kids and I was ok with that.

Recently I feel like that is all a big lie. Maybe it's that Cooper's birthday is approaching. Maybe it's everyone I know having babies and seeing all their cute pictures on Facebook. Maybe it's that I turn 30 in March and my clock is starting to tick loudly. I don't know. I find myself looking at a calendar and wondering if I got pregant this month when would I be due. It seems that dream isn't gone and I'm really not at peace anymore. I'm scared to even voice this to my husband because our marriage is better but still not 100%. I don't want to go back to that place where we seemed like two people cohabitating a house instead of husband and wife. I'm terrified of actually being pregnant again. We aren't TTC, but we aren't doing anything to stop it either.

Thanks ladies for listening. I needed to get that off my chest and be honest.

[kerisue]

I think we do tell ourselves what we need to in order to get through the unimaginable. I can understand you not wanting to rock the boat with your husband when you've reached a place of equilibrium in your marriage again, but boy is that maternal instinct strong! Since you're not preventing pregnancy, I suppose your husband must know that there's a possibility- how would he feel about that. Going on with life after a loss is so difficult isn't it? Whether you aren't able to have more children, or whether you are ttc, or whether you do get pregnant- emotional minefields everwhere.

[kbielec]

My marriage wasn't the best either after we lost our DD a few years ago. Had to have some outside intervention to help us through that amazingly tough time. It's truly been in the last 6-8 months that things have begun to feel normal again in our house between us. We were also not TTC as I was "scared" and frankly kept changing my mind. Finally we decided to not be on the pill - heck I think I was off of it at least 6 months and nothing happened, then BOOM when we least expect it, I am pregnant...it's so hard, I didn't know how we'd react if and when we got pregnant again, we've had some tears, we've had some excited feelings...
It's been hard living our lives after our loss, one day at a time...I will offer this, don't have any regrets - talking can't hurt!
Hang in there (((hugs)))

[Shannonlynn]

I am glad you spoke up. It's only been seven months for me but I feel out of it when I read the boards. I have tons of grief and loss stuff but I never really know what to say, so I say it to my therapist or my mom. We are not presently TTC because I just have not summoned the courage to try again. I make plans and then I re-group. It's really hard to think about trying to have another child when I can replay the loss of my son over in my head like it was yesterday. And, sometimes, I read the boards and just get information overload. I feel that it is a leap of faith for all of us, when we do decide to do it again. None of us can predict the outcome. We just have to believe it will happen and happen in a more joyous way.

I understand about the marriage melt down also. My husband and I have been struggling to get back to some sense of normal. We have had a lot of blow outs and I am sure it is all grief related. That is a wicked emotion and it has so many faces. We have a long way back to what feels like normal.

I can say this, I have a friend who has PCOS and she is 32. She has a four year old daughter and has struggled for at least the last 2 years TTC. She has had a couple of miscarriages and just recently she decided to give up on the whole thing and be happy with the way things are. That's when she found out she was pregnant and so far so good. So, don't give up because you have time.

And the calendar thing, I am glad I am not the only one who does that. I think when you have had major losses like we have you cannot help but do it. I obsess over the calendar even though I am not TTC.

Now that the holidays are just about in full swing I am sure I will have some meltdowns. I was in a store on Saturday and there were small children, babies, and pregnant women everywhere I turned. I started getting really sad and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, so I took a deep breath and told myself things were going to be okay. And, luckily, I didn't fall apart.

So, I can relate. Take care of yourself and breathe. Thinking of you~Shannon

[Nadenet1229]

Your not lying to yourself. You convinced yourself what you needed to to overcome so many hardships in your life. We all have done that at some point in time. Maybe the pressure of TTC and the anxiety of "when will I get pregnant" and "oh god what if I do get pregnant" is just to much right now. Lets face it, TTC can be a stressful time because if it doesn't happen in a few months you get worried that somethings wrong. Then after trauma like ours, when you do get pregnant, how are you not suppose to worry about it happening again?

Maybe your doing this the right way. Just not trying to prevent it but not stressing yourself with marking down the "go time" days. Just enjoy your husband and the time you have without all the pressure, and maybe it will help bridge that small gap you still feel is there. I've been told all my life, when you aren't trying to do it, thats when it usually happens.

I hope that things look up for you, and I hope you and your husband can reclaim what you feel is still lacking. I think we all had marital moments after our situations. (((hugs)))

[misscoleyp]

I've said it many times that there needs to be a "Now what? Life after preeclampsia" section on the forums. For those of us that don't fall neatly into any category. It's hard to spend alot of time in G&L anymore. I love G&L and got so much support there right after our loss, but I know if I hang out too much a little black cloud will start forming over me emotionally. Especially this time of year. I have to watch out for myself so that little black cloud doesn't turn into a huge honkin rain storm and suck me in. *Kinda like the zoloft cloud (http://youtu.be/twhvtzd6gXA). That's what I imagine following me around some times.*

Shannon - As part of the PF's Patient Support Network, I always say that the first year is the hardest. You face all the firsts and don't know how you are going to react to them. After you get through all of them, then the next time you know how to prepare yourself mentally to handle them better. The first year is so hard! It doesn't get easier, you just get better equipped to deal with it. Does that make sense?

When I work with families with the Patient Support Network, I usually get asked at some point a) if we've had another child and b) have we tried. This was quite a discussion when we had a little impromptu grief group at the patient symposium/CME in New York before Saving Grace a few weekends ago. My usual answer is yes, we have been given the green light again but my body doesn't want to cooperate. I have scar tissue that was cleaned up with Laproscopy and ovarian drilling, but my RE was scared to touch my left ovary because it's stuck to my tube and that is stuck to something else it shouldn't be stuck to. Really the jacked up tube/ovary is the least of my problems because I don't ovulate. Seven months of monitored IF treatments with my RE and I didn't ovulate one time. I still want to scream like Cartman on South Park, "Respect my authoritah!"

Kerisue - Confession time. A few months ago, I was asked to respond to one of your TTC forum posts. You probably (hopefully) don't even remember my response because I have felt guilty about it since then. There was a little behind the scenes comment that was made to me and I blew my lid - which I don't usually do. It made me think that I had just done the same thing to you. It was the first peek I saw of where I felt like I might be lying to myself. How dare I spew to someone TTC to find a place of peace that you might not ever have that dream!!! When deep deep down, even though I said I was at peace I have never let go of that dream. I apologize for being an assuming *.

Oh my....it seems we are having group therapy in TTC. And THAT is exactly why I love the forums!

[kerisue]

Nicole,
I do remember that post because I remember thinking that if it turns out I am unable to get pregnant again I don't see myself ever accepting it fully. Although I don't necessarily like that people were discussing me and asked you to respond, I'm sure it was done with the best of intentions in helping me through a difficult time. I thought your response was not so much telling me to find a place of peace, but rather sharing how you had reached a place of peace which is totally appropriate- even though you are not feeling the same way now. We are allowed to have complex feelings about our losses and trying again that change over time right?
Anyway, good luck working through this whatever you decide!

[danielsmom]

Wow... my heart goes out to you. I haven't experienced what you have personally, but my family has in some regard. 10 years ago, my sister in law was full term with her first baby. She had started experiencing quite a bit of swelling and a rising BP. It was Friday. The doctor told her it was normal and to go home and put her feet up. If she had not had the baby by Monday, they would induce her. She didn't feel the baby move much Saturday morning, so she went to L&D. They could not find a heartbeat. She was induced and had to give birth to a still born baby. Later on, she was never really given a clear diagnosis, but she had low fluid, high blood pressure and blood clotting in the cord. We don't know about protein in the urine, but it sounds a lot like pre-e or subsequent complications from pre-e to me.

When they had resolved to try again, they were met with countless miscarriages, at least 5 or 6 that I can remember. I'm sure that opened the wound afresh each time. After awhile they just became exhausted of it. She admitted to me once that they were happy and had accepted their life without kids. I believed her!

But it doesn't end there. Early this year, she admitted to me they still would like to have a baby, but had not been able to become pregnant, even after quite a while of no birth control. She is 37, so I wondered if that might be a factor. I told her that she might talk to her new OBGyn about this. He might have some tricks in the bag, medication maybe. I don't know if she did this, but she quickly became pregnant. Everything was fine, the baby was growing rapidly, nothing abnormal showed up in scans whatsoever. Her doctor watched her very closely. Then the Sunday before last, at 34 weeks, she woke up bleeding heavily. She had an abruption, but they were able to get the baby out alive. He spent a week and a half in the NICU and came home Thanksgiving!

It's a personal decision, and a very hard one. Don't be hard on yourself for your emotional response - you've been through it and back! It's only honest to feel like that. I don't know if my s-i-l's story is encouraging or terrifying, but ultimately it was a happy ending and we're so thankful that she and the baby are doing great. I guess anything is possible.